Letting it go was the toughest thing i ever did .I wonder how i derived that much strength to finally cancel every thing and come here ... but a year later .. it duz seem like the best thing i did for myself ... its strange i smile today cos im happy , really happy but somewhere deep down .. going back to india reminds me of all the decisions i made last year .. its just all so ironical , so weird , so difficult ... its been a year , i am getting married in a month , everything has changed .. everything has totally changed ...sab kuch .... and i wonder if these were indeed the right choices .. time alone will tell ... mujhe nahin pata wats right and wats wrong .. kch bhi nahin pata except that i tried my best wid the cards that i was dealt wid ...

Life indeed tests.

One more time !

Living alone prepared me for a lotve things , my family moved to US 7 yrs back when i was in my early 20's , i distinctly remember not wanting to feel anything at all , and let the whole thing be just any other thing .. i didn't want to even say it aloud to myself that from here on it was jus me on my own , mom wud visit a few mths every yr , but the family i had lived wid all my life was suddenly gone , and this is probably even the first time that im saying this to myself , my process of accepting to live on my own was simple .. not make a big deal out of it and take one day at a time , and needless to say it worked .. so why am i writing this down here today .. cos even tho it wrked .. it was still not one of the easiest things to do , somehow thru those years i came across the most fantastic ppl , who helped me every step of the way and gradually became more than family , they loved me as their own and made sure i was never lonely , made me realize at times that blood is not always thicker than water ... they were there for me at any time of d day , and i knew i cud count on them , the bond became greater than even those of any of the relatives , it was based on love , friendship and genuine concern of well being for me ,,,

Just when i started living on my own , sometimes i wud ask .. so why do i have to go thru this , i wud find myself glaring at the four walls on festivals and my birthday and somehow that wud suck to the core , but gradually i learned that it ws totally in my control how to make best of this , i had to just open up to ppl arnd me and let them in .... as was i growing up i simply had given up on frnds and family had become my biggest strength ,but this part of my life kind of changed that and i started believing in people more than ever , that they cud bring in happiness and care for u unconditionally , and i can never thank our satsang enuf for that.

A year back i left from Mumbai for US , it ws obviously going to be hard , i had been wid these ppl for nearly 6 yrs and wid all those strong bonds ... i told myself again ... dont make a big deal out of this , take one day at a time ... i miss them all ...but thats what life is !!

One year on , i have to once again move out of my home .. im leaving tomm , in abt 7 weeks i will start my life wid Gaurav .. a part of me is very scared .. ive been thru a lotve transitions already and ideally i shud be prepared ... but one more time i have the same advice for myself .. dont make a big deal outve it .. take one day at a time ... its going to be diff from d rest ... but good different .. nevertheless i am scared .. this seems like the final transition and for sure the tougest one !

Just do it !

This is a real cliche , and no matter how many times i say this to myself or put it down here .. it is going to be less .. and its a big bold fact which we can ignore , overlook or nullify as mch as we want ... the plain simple truth is and always will be that our happiness is totally in our own control , we r completely and thoroughly slaves of our own mind . No other person can make us happy , noone can take away from us our peace if we do not let them , till the time we do not want to be happy we wont be , our mind will trick us a million times to make us sad and lose hope , it will make us negative over and over again ... that is its job , the trick is to never fall in that trap , everytime it plays that little game , realize and say it out aloud if u have to that ''I am not going to fall prey to ur dirty tricks , I am not going to give my peace and happiness to u .. I simply am not''

As easy as it sounds , it isn't really that easy ... cos everytime we start trusting our mind and fall for the little game ... again and again ..

I wanna put myself thru an exercise , and im going to do dis mebbe jus one day at a time and not have too many huge targets ... im going to be very careful wid my wat my mind duz everyday , and every possible chance that it gets to play that little game ... im going to try and identify it and not let it bog me down .. i want to control my mind in a way that it cant stop me frm bringing in any unhappiness and sadness by its silly games

Lets just do it !!

This one's for ''All that Jazz'' !

Ive realized that the only true connection that i have wid myself is thru my blog , anytime i feel depressed , i come and read the blog and it makes me feel so mch more better , so this little piece is a dedication to my blog page ...

i ws wondering why i feel so peaceful when i read or write stuff here .. probably cos i spill my soul out .. and obviously that has to bring peace .. in the chaos of life , and ppl who r superficial , selfish and completely self centred .. this is where i find the real me ... the me that struggles to understand ppl , that is saddened by mean and deceitful ppl , the me that sometimes feels suffocated in the commotion of life , the me that needs one place where there are no boundaries to honesty , where there are no limits to expressing , where emotions can flow as much as they want to widout fear of being judged , where i know that speaking my mind is not going to turn any one off , where noone is going to walk out on me , where there is no fear but plain simple truth ... where there is purity and complete honesty ....

This blog is my heart in the truest sense of the word ... All That Jazz !

Nothing merry abt Xmas !

This is one of the times when i totally hate myself , or the kind of person i am , i am going to brag a lot so anyone who duznt like conceited ppl needn't read it anyways !!

I am kind and compassionate , i hate to hurt anyone in the slightest possible manner , i will go out of my way to make sure that whatever i am doing is not hurting anyone arnd me , and if it is i will hurt myself but make sure others feelings are kept in mind , and honest to the core today ... i hate being this kind of person .. cos its hard to always keep others happiness ahead of my own , and it duznt happen unless i hurt myself once in a while .. i think my life wud be a 100 times happier if i didnt care so much abt others , yes there are times when being this way brings a kind of peace noone else probably knows of , but those times are rare ,there is no consolation to wanting other people's happiness and placing their needs ahead of ur own ... just that u know in ur heart that u are a good person ... but what do u do of that good person ? after a point u just get tired of being a good person and want to be a regular person who wants to at times not care abt anyone and just place ownself ahead of others ...

Life is hard for a good person ... very hard at that !

Don't give up , ever !!

There is no code to life but , if u give up on it , it gives up on u . Life tests all the time , the trick is in understanding that no matter how hard it makes it for u , always always stay put , know that the longer it tests u the bigger the lessons its going to give u , that it has its reasons , and though u dont see those reasons , u do always stick like glue to ur belief that no matter how hard it looks it will be all right , the minute u give up ur belief u die .

It all starts and ends in the mind .. thats what a dear friend of mine told me once and literally so ... i feel a kind of helplessness sometimes when i see ppl arnd me who wanna give up and not dream anymore .. cos losing is not an option , u have to just go on .. there simply is no choice but that . Life has this tremendous quality of somehow becoming beautiful , rising from the ashes like a phoenix , but it can do all that only when u completely trust in its ability of bouncing back , the minute u give up .. life is over .. just like that ! its a loop , all interconnected .

Losing a dear friend and then still somehow learning to be happy taught me that u can think that this is the worst it gets , maybe it even is , u can think u will never experience more pain than this , maybe u wont , u think u have lost everything , maybe u have , but as long as u can tell urself that i will still find a way to be happy someday ... u surely will .

Till the time u have ur faith in urself and life intact ... no matter how dead u feel ... u will breathe again .. don let that faith die .. ever !

Love is

1. Wanting to wake up and hear his voice first thing in the morning
2. Knowing that he loves u even when he duznt say it
3. Knowing that he thinks of u even when he duznt call u
4. Wanting to cook the best meal for him
5. Crying and whining one moment ,and laughing and smiling the other
6. Placing his happiness above everything else
7. Doing things u don wanna do only cos they make him smile
8. Singing for him once in a while
9. Checking ur messenger n times a day for one offline msg frm him
10.Checking ur phone a million times a day for his missed call
11. Not getting any sleep in d nite when u havent heard his voice throughout the day
12.Laughing at his jokes even when u don understand them
13.Not telling him ever what hurts u most
14.Just wanting him to know .....
15.Knowing in ur heart that his arms are the best place in the world for u
16.Burnt food once in a while
17.Ending up telling each other the same story over and over again
18.Talking to him even when he aint around
19.No ego ever
20.No me only us
21.Kissing and making up
22.Never wanting anything in return
23.Stars in the eyes
24.Smiling to urself
25.Letting him have his way
26.Letting him go when he wants to
27. Just loving.

Stone walls do not a prison make
Nor iron bars a cage
Its mind's peace and quiet
That takes for a Hermitage

Something from Rabindranath Tagore ,our english teaher taught us when we were in 8th , that I remembered today...

26/11

A whole year gone since the guts of Mumbai were challenged yet again , the resilience and endurance of Mumbaikars was tested and needless to say they stood up to it.

I felt sad that day not only cos all of that happened but also cos while it was happening i wasnt there ,to be a part of the pain Mumbai went thru , I remember the riots and every time any calamity struck ,the spirit of the city took up and life went on in the literal sense of the word .Thats what has made the city so special ..the never give up nature and the power to bounce right back.

Yes , its personal.

Salaam mumbai

The Karma Card

What really happens of people who r hurt , deceived and cheated upon in love , they r devastated and they go thru a lot of pain , but the truth is that they get over it , they change , become different ppl , a part of their heart is altered forever , but people who r hurt in love have God on their side , He is always with the broken heart , and the one that breaks it, is the one who needs to worry .

Usually people who r dishonest and cheat must think they r very smart to have gotten their way and fooled someone so smoothly , the honest truth is they r only simply fooling themselves , cos its exactly ppl like these whose names go down in their Karma cards as defaulters and no matter what happens they r dealt with, at some stage or the other , they will be really lucky if they r dealt wid in this lifetime of theirs but if it goes into another lifetime then they have to pay the price for something they don even remember doing , and that is even worse .

The karma card is always open , each time anyone lies , is dishonest and deceives whether that person comes to know of it or not , it goes down in that card and it for sure all comes back ... As i look at it , i want to make sure my karma card is always having gud things abt me , not for the sake of others but for my own sake .. all these things abt trust , faith etc ... oh well , as long as i can be someone who duznt do any of that, and i can be trusted no matter what ... then i know i have a clean karma card and thats what that really matters ..

Ive come to see betrayal and dishonesty in different light lately , its no longer abt wat others do , its abt what I do .. not for others but for my ownself .. makes sense ?

Dear Friend..

Dear Friend Yuvie,

It's been four years ,since I lost you , for some reason i miss you today .. i do not know in which world you are but wherever u are i pray that u r safe , loved and cared for cos thats exactly what u deserve.You were the kindest soul I ever came across , your heart and your laughter was that like a child's ..pure and simply beautiful.

Its strange that we do not cherish the people while they are still there and miss them only when they are gone , that we end up only seeing what we dislike in people when they are around us rather than adore them for what we like in them .I remember the last phone call , yes none of us knew it was going to be the last phone call , but mebbe some subconscious part of u did .. i will always remember what u said to me , u surprised me tons , i wish i had known back then that those words came out of u cos God knew we would never talk like that again , that after that conversation the Yuvie i would meet would be somebody else .. i can never thank you enuf for that last conversation cos for all that was to follow ,it became my only strength ... Thank You for giving me a beautiful memory . What we had was a beautiful pure friendship , one that only be cherished every moment .

I dreaded every phone call from you after that , not knowing what news it might bring , for four months , ur life was a vegetable but so was mine along with the many others who cared for you .. nobody knew what fate wud bring and all prayed for a miracle.

6 ft 1 tall , broad and a real big guy .. that was Yuvie , to anyone he might be someone they might get scared of , but to me he was a guy wid the softest heart ever , gentle kind and caring , someone who knew only how to give and never expect , who had pride in being who he was , who respected elders like noone else and could do absolutely anything in the world for his friends .. that was Yuvie ... a buddy and the coolest pal ever , wid him arnd..u cud feel safe and protected cos u knew u had a person arnd u who wud fight for u no matter what, stick by u thru anything and everything , never judge u .. he was one of the very few fantastic ppl i knew .. little did i know .. that the life of this fantastic relationship was shorter than u cud imagine .. he had to go .

The miracle did happen ,and Yuvie was out of coma , and we all heaved a sigh of relief knowing little that this was only beginning of a more dreaded end and literally so ,not only for him but also for our beautiful platonic friendship , he felt he was no longer good enuf and no matter what anyone said he knew that the one person who had to leave from his life was me .. and i had no idea how i was going to survive this coldness , i tried to understand it , made that phone call the best memory from the whole thing and left .. it was going to be a long nite.After a few weeks it was 3.30 in the night and my phone rang , in the wee hrs of the mrning , i wondered who cud be calling me and it was Yuvie , considering how our communication had died out following the accident , i was happy very very happy even if it was 3.30 in the morning , to hear his voice all that time later was magical in it self , he kept talking and i remember i just cried , he kept laughing like bfore and i laughed but wid tears in my eyes ,,.. its the one moment i will never forget , my heart cried and tears rolled down my cheeks all the one hr that we talked , he talked , i cried and he didnt make out , yes for the whole one hr , i do not know how ,that was the first time i came to know .. this is how the heart cries ... for the next lotve days it became a routine , his phone call at arnd 3.30 ,4 in the mrning .. i wud wake up , sit in the window until early mrning hours and just hear him talk , he would talk to me abt everything .. abt every single thing that had hurt him , his dead mother , how he loved her and missed her , abt his childhood , his father who betrayed his family , abt pride and honesty , abt life and love , abt frndships , abt ppl , abt every single thing under the sun and i would just listen to him , abt his addiction , his smoking habits , abt how his life was gradually going towards a slow end at times i wudnt understand what he was saying cos his speech had slurred frm the accident , drugs , etc... it hurt me when he said .. never expect anything from me ,i will teach u everything u need to know before i leave .. and in so many ways he did teach me , at that time i didnt know he was preparing me for life ahead , we had a connection , he knew he had a responsibilty towards me , he knew we had not completed what we had began and we never would ..not in dis lifetime ,he knew this was something very special and i knew he was doing his best wid it .. the conversations were mostly one sided ,wid him telling me everything he knew abt life ,and wid me always knowing at the other end why he was doing dis .. he taught me everything he cud , he simply cudnt teach me how to forget him .. he was my best friend .. and i knew i was going to miss him for a very very long time.

Its been four years now and it does seem like in another lifetime .. but some ppl just change ur life .. i knew him two yrs of his whole 26 yrs life ,cutting off frm him was very hard , but he made it even tougher by telling me how much he treasured me and always wud wherever he was .. i do not know in which world u are right now , but Yuvie .. u were something .. truely something.. i will cherish what u gave me for the rest of my life .. ur laughter still rings loud in my ears and ur smile wid a child like grin makes me smile even today ..

...i do not know why i think of u tday ,mebbe cos ur gone and u have made me realize in so many ways how important relationships and people are while they r still arnd , how precious they are and how we don't give them enuf credit for being in our lives while they r still there , u made me realize that material things will end even bfore we know , what lasts is the care and compassion , love and affection ..and i hope i can live my life only making them my guidelines and nothing else at all ... it all evens out ..everything .. every single thing , in dis fast paced world where ppl think drugs , sex ,porn, alcohol and fun is going to get them thru their lives .. uve taught me the superficiality of it all .. and the real value of relationships , honesty and commitment .. i have no idea how will i repay u back for all of that but the least i can do is live up to it all ...


Little do we know that people who come into our lives might just one day become the fondest memories we have .. That they might end up giving us so mch more than we can ever imagine , that they need to be cherished while they r still there .. while they still live, breathe , smile right next to us .. cos when they go away .. the memories almost hurt .. and make us wonder ..is there anything we should have done differently ?

Thank you for touching my life the way u did .. in the purest manner ever ,Thank you .

Jaane woh kaunsa des ,jahan tum chale gaye ..

Will you ?

Just dont miss me when im gone
I know u will cos i know i will love u so
There will be so mch of memory
That i will leave u wid
I wonder what will u ever do
Knowing what u lost , while i was still there
U don value me while im still here
There will be tears , there will be pain
Just the kind I feel now
Just don miss me when im gone
Will you ?

Love

Something from FB that truely made sense ...

''..that there is no such thing as conditional love. Love is either unconditional or it's no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God.''

Beautiful aint it and pretty mch the definition of love that i have learnt , known and accepted after a lot of toil but keep forgetting over and over again , how amazing might that love be that has no expectations , conditions , reasons .. that is based purely on faith ,trust and honesty ... but ironically so the human nature always comes into picture ... know that the real beauty of love is only and only in it being unconditional... Can we get there ?

Alternate .. donno wat to feel .. i did deserve dis .. Lord be wid me

But the good part is .. i FINALLY said it ... and meant it ... its by far the sweetest moment :)

How I wish we could have a heart for any fate !

oh damn !

Oh damn !! I am officially at the lowest point in dis admission process

JATT'S D WAY .. !!

Yep .. abt time ... everything is scary .. deadlines are up ... fading more or less ... been worried lately .. sleepless nights , crazy sinking feeling , depressing moods a lotta time .. but enough ... dats it ... i'll find a way .. something or the other ... but im not going to let dis get to me .. no .. not dis time ... no , i refuse to be worried scared and afraid of whats going to happen , it looked like end of the road , but i am not going to treat it like that no matter what ... as Vashi Bhai says .. plan B , think outve the box , what wud He have done ? How wud He have responded , what solutions wud He have sort ?.. I am only going to think what He wud have done and not get depressed any more .. distract myself , make sure i do something more productive .. still trust ya word ... but i need to re group now and be more proactive .. only so i don freak ... !

Yep its time for JATT'S D WAY .. fearless !

Good blessings

How do we crack the code to ''life'' ? Why can we not be happy .. completely happy ever , why is there always something or the other like a sword hanging up our throats ready to slit us anytime..

Real happiness .. its hard .. u ask urself ..what is it that i want that will make me happy and even after u get it there is another thing that u want even bfore u begin to enjoy what u got .. i get so sick of dis human nature that has been ingrained in our system of always wanting more .. and not counting our good blessings .. Why can we not thank God for what we have and jus TRUST HIM into knowing whats best for us , why do we always think that we know whats best for us .. when we dont even know whats going to happen in our life in the next few hours .. why r we so zeroed in on our wants , desires and dreams ...

... i almost get furious with myself when im not able to be content with what i have ... real peace comes only and only when we know that what we have is what is best for us , what we will get will also be what is in our best interest , when we can trust THAT SOMEONE up there and give our lives completely in His hands and simply LET HIM WORK ..

How hard could be giving up on all our stresses..putting them in someone else's realm and trusting Him to just do it for us , all the ''i-will-be-happy-if-i-have-this'' attitude is not going to get us anywhere ,it only gets us closer to sleepless nights ,frustrations and more unhappiness ... why not get rid of that attitude and just know that higher power at play is going to make sure that we get our bit of dreams.

I jus so desperately wish and pray that I can get myself to trust blindly that what He is going to do wid my life is what is best for me in whichever way possible .. Amen :)

Why ... ??

Things I will always fail to understand :

1. Why ppl lie ?
2. Why ppl can't keep their word?
3. Why ppl hve the heart to hurt others?
4. Why are ppl dishonest?
5. Why ppl cheat and deceive?
6. Why can't friendships last forever?
7. Why does love end ?
8. Why is it only physical appearances that matter?
9. Why can't ppl learn to admit their mistakes ?
10.Why is it so hard to apologize?
11.Why is forgiving so hard ?
12.Why is it so difficult to trust ppl nowadays?
13.Why have we lost the innocence and naivity?
14.Why can't ppl be happy for what they have?
15.Why do we always want what we cant have?
16.Why don't we stick to our beliefs?
17.Why can't we trust our instincts as much as we should ?
18.Why do we always worry so much about our future?
19.Why can we not belive in our best buddy God as much as we should?
20.Why does our mind play games with us ?
21.Why do we give up?
22.Why don we follow our dreams anymore?
23.Why is love so painful sometimes?
24.Why don we smile more often?
25.Why do we have the answers sometimes and choose not to see them ?

A psychiatrist gunned down 13 ppl and wounded 30 , of course he didn't do this in his sanity .. but how depressed and angry cud someone be to be able to kill so many innocent ppl , my heart goes out to each one of them but it goes out more to the one who did this .. cos even tho he killed those ppl , he himself must have been in the most terrible mental state himself ... he wasnt a criminal ,he was a normal doctor doing his job but somewhere along the way things arnd him mustve gotten so extreme for him to react this way , of course there aint no excuse whatsoever for killing innocent ppl but at the same time .. is dis what anyone wants to do himself unless this becomes the only way of expressing his anger or rebelling ? if it takes him this to get his frustration out ... i cant even begin to imagine how he lived wid so mch of frustration in d 1st place ..

He is still alive and i wonder how is he going to live his life here on .. if he gets his sanity back he is going to regret what he did .. apart from the punishment etc he gets ... he always has the biggest punishment .. his own life !

HE IS THERE ...

There really seems no one free today to listen to my nightmare and calm me down , so im just gonna put it down here ... It was wierd , I was going for my UIC interview ,i missed my bus , got lost in the train , saw prajakta on the way and she told me the qs are tuf and she refused to tell me more than that , i got upset that she didnt tell me enuf when i told her every bit of my interview earlier ... i was scurrying everywhere to make it but everything was totally chaotic ... i cudnt find a cab , finally i found an auto , d driver was a weird looking man and a kid was also there, as he took me i saw around me broken burnt houses , demolished houses , ppl fighting , running and a lot of chaos .. i was scared , it seemed like some kinda riot or something ... it was 9.30 and i had to reach by 10 , i was sure i wasnt going to make it , knowing well that this cud be my last chance , i was yelling at the driver to speed up but he seemed to be taking me from the eeriest of places .. i found myself remembering nishi's number to call her , but i cudnt remember it correctly , i had lost my cell phone and was now using some old phone that had no numbers , then suddenly outve nowhere sme ppl appeared and started dragging me out frm the auto rickshaw , the driver pleaded to them to leave me alone ,,.. i was scared and the only thot in my mind was that what will happen of my interview ... suddenly i remembered Vashi Bhai ... i cudnt remember his no. but i cud hear him tell me that i will get admission into DDS , that was the only positive part in the night mare and i remember wondering to myself in the dream ... how am i going to get admission when i cant even make it to the interview .. and then i woke up .. shook up scared and worried and i called gaurav , he didnt pick the phone , he just called me to say that he is having a crazy day and will call me in the nite ...

I still feel shook up by.. but im trying to tell myself that in all the chaos i still heard Vashi Bhai tell me that i will get admission ... so i have to stop worrying ... that if all of those things were happening and He cud still tell me that i will make it ... then in real only very very few things hve gone wrong and i will most definitely make it , that He will make sure that i do ... Ive been touchy all day tday .. have been having this real sinking feeling inside of me ... and i hope it goes away .. cos i hate feeling this low .. that too cosve sme stupid dream ..

Honestly .. Its only God who comes thru .. in dis dream too .. I cud hear Vashi Bhai's voice soothing me ... and making me feel better , I wish we cud trust God more than we do , I wish we cud live fearlessly ,knowing that everything will be taken care of no matter what , that we are always protected , jus like a mother protects her child , so does He protect us always .. Oh God i really wish i cud be fearless so mch that nothing of dis sort shakes me up and that I can always know YOU are there .. I WANT TO BE FEARLESS

They say its oxygen , must be , but one thing human beings cant survive widout is love and affection and when its missing life goes haywire , no amount of money can make them happy .. nothing at all but for love . Its like the lifeline and the only food for the soul , the only thing that can quench the inner self , and when its not there or there is a lack of it something inside just toils and turns .. and ther is nothing u can do cos thats all u need , its strange the most imp thing is so hard to find and once u find it ..hard to keep cos then there are expectations and so mch more .. this whole thing is like ..

.....................................................................................................................................................................

The sad part abt my life has been i can screw up anything , yes anything at all , in the most unimaginable ways ... i screwed up something yday .. real bad and ive been numb since then , not even been able to react to it till now , the worst part is i cant tell dis to anyone and its killing me now , i cudnt belive it when i realized i had screwed it up .. i simply cudnt .. i still cant .. it mus be divine powers at wrk dat cud let me spoil something so important .. i dont knw ,... i hve no idea how i did it , the fact is .. i did ... and i wish i cud tell someone but i simply cant ... its unpardonable and i dont knw wat to do wid myself now ... jus bury my head in a pillow and forget i made sucha mistake ..Oh God ..why did i ? why ? WHY ?

.... 02.16.2010

And it so happens that ....

.... we change , and honestly dont even realize it .The change is said to be for the better for sure thats the reason why its there in the first place , to make us realize whats wrong about us and help us grow . I always thought i had changed , matured , learned and grown up a lot but i never knew i had changed my inherent nature to such an extent , its amazing ... i dont express anymore , my deepest thoughts , feelings .. i dont say them anymore , and for the first time i felt that that wasnt so right , but i dont , rather cant ... why ? for fear of being misunderstood ? for fear of losing again ? for fear of yet again being judged ? i dont know , but i think its the protective mechanism we all develop for ourselves , and this one is my protective mechanism .. how did this happen , how did the impulsiveness just go away ? where did it go and will it come back ? was it good for me or was it bad ... do i miss it ? do i want it back ? do i want to go back and become that person who wud say wat she felt in her heart without inhibitions and never cared about the consequences , maybe thats what the hitch was ... the consequences , somewhere down the line i started caring about the consequences , the what ifs ... i don't know wats right or whats wrong , i do know ive changed and i hope its only and only for the better ....

I guess this is what life duz to you .. u don even realize how it wrks on you and transforms you , i think i shudnt doubt its credibilty .. if it really is the best teacher then it sure must have taught me all the right things .. :)

Faith and prayers

Its getting more and more hard by the day .. to keep it together and still believe that i will indeed make it this time , the closer it gets the tougher it looks and yes that is exactly where faith steps in , and in all honestly the real test of faith is when you really have no reasons to believe !! And how many times have i not been in those situations , one too many times but again when a similar thing is in my face I am here .. asking more questions .. I am not sure if i've written this before but there is this verse i read somewhere yrs ago :

Believe in love ,even when U don't feel it
Believe in the sun , even when it is dark
Believe in God , even when He is silent

Keeping the faith is harder than you could know ,especially when the reasons get lesser and lesser , when realistically speaking everything looks bleak , but then again the realism is only human perception . If I want to believe that I am dealt with at another level then the realism needs to be shunned ,I haven't been let down ever .. I just need to wait a little longer and pray a little more harder :)

A lot of times I feel that He is just waiting upon us to do our prayers the right way ,and when we do them He opens His doors in an instant and gives us the blessing we have been waiting for , its like in the blink of an eye , that everything we ask for can be ours , but it takes time cos we in our lax attitude and inability to connect to Him in the right way ,miss out on ASKING ... from the bottom of our hearts .... the more i think about it , the more i realize ... its just me ...

One more time...

Yell OH ... and here we go .. yes yes ... one more time .. one more time ... last time ? do not know .. can only hope .. against hope and against more hope ... the MDQ arrives ... so was it really worth it .. or one more time .. as usual ... back to where we started from ... oh yes both of us ... yes yes ... u my heart .. I am talking about YOU ... its all about you .. has always always and always been ... ru ready for the magic ... RU READY ?

aww, argghh... uff ... nooo ... FOUL!!

Admission worries..

Apprehensive .. very very .. its indescribable almost .. the whole admission process. Always tend to ask yourself ..what more can i do to make sure that I am doing my best ,the wait is really excruciating ,wondering if all the applications are complete , if I did really make a good application or did i miss out on something ..hoping and praying that it all goes exactly how I want it to. Its so hard to wait for the schools to get in tuch and say what they r doing wid the application , there seem to be so many candidates with equally good or bad stats , everytime im on SDN I have this sinking feeling ,OMG really this is one huge test of patience ..a few more months and i'll know but still .. still ... still !!!!! What if ... i don even want to go there ... seriously God pls make sure I get thru somehow ...

There seem to be broken hearts everywhere . And I am forced to ask .. why don't people respect love or feelings anymore ? Its not about the rejection but more about how its put forth.. why is there no compassion anymore ? Why do not people understand that when someone cares for you and when you are being outright blunt with them it seriously hurts .. the spoken word can be a spear sometimes .

The youngest friend i have is going thru .. what i can say .. her first heart ache and unfortunately so it comes in the harshest way possible ..sitting here today i can probably give enough testimony to the fact that it will be allright but what i cant come to terms with is the harshness , heartlessness or the coldness so to say.Is niceness and compassion such a rarity and if it is then what kinda world are we living in where human beings do not in the least care for one anothers feelings and it has nothing to do with love , plain simple humanity at times ... which in some ways should be our basic nature ?

I know there is a lot more that goes on in the world that has little or nothing to do with compassion .. and i wish there was more of it cos that wud make dis world so much more a better place to live in.

She ..

She laughs
She sings
She hurts , she cries
She dances like a doll
She prays
She dreams
She hopes
She wishes on a star

She's happy
She's joyous
She's sad
She's crazy at times

She's beautiful
She's lovely
She's an angel

She's the heart in me ..

FREEDOM

So this is what august 15th can do to you , or rather the spirit of freedom , i went to bed at 3 last nite feeling really rotten and woke up this mrning to august 15th .. independence day ... feeling totally rejuvenated ... and happy , free... from last nite and last few yrs ...

I want to choose happiness , i do not care what anyone thinks or what anyone says .. i know i am going to find my peace , my dream .. everything i ever wished for ... i free myself of all the burden that weighed upon me in the past 24 hrs ... happy 62nd I DAY !

u know ...

u know what u had
u know what u lost
u know it wasnt ures
u know it never will be
u know it was all u want
u know it was destiny
u know u fought
u know it killed you
u know u tried
u know its over
FOREVER

my dream

A cloud of darkness surrounds me ,
I can't see the way ,
I am losing my dream
I dont want to wake up
But the thunders jus dont stop
I am scared ..all i had was my dream

Hold on , dont leave
Oh my lovely dream
I cant hear my voice
My heart says adios
The cloud wont go ,the darkness stays
I am losing myself
I am scared ..all i had was my dream

I scream , I shout
Dont take my dream ..its all i have
I run , i try , i want it back
My dream is all i had

I am scared

Why me ~~

I just happened to be talking to someone tday , and happened to also hit upon a qs .. is there anything in life i wouldv'e done differently ? In split moments i lived my life all over again , a quick flashback ... so was there anything i wouldv'e done differently , anything at all ? and thankfully the answer was ''no'' except mebbe for one small thing .. but other than that nothing .

I find myself at a place today where there is not a thing about myself that id like to change .. or mebbe just one , that apart , i think ive come a long long way .. when stuff happened so many yrs back and i wondered to myself a million times ''why me'' ,i think i can answer that today .. this is why .. me .. so i cud find myself , be this ... a sucker for life and happiness , confident and patient , obedient and resilient , fearless and powerful in every sense of the word ... no i was none of this five yrs back ... i still hve a lotve wrk to do .. still a lotta growing up .. one thing to be exact that i still need to work on ... apart from that i knw tday ..why all d pain , all d losses , all d crap ... for dis moment right now .. when there is not a thing i wanna change ... no not even losing ppl ,not even d unrequited love , not even the broken heart ... nothing ... it all has evened out in d rich light of memory .. and whats left is a more resilient me

I take a deep breath and wish upon the stars ... to make me wiser each day .. AMEN.

I AM STILL ALIVE

i wonder this a lot .. what is it that keeps us going ... ? why do we still believe in our dreams .. where duz this crazy amount of hope keep coming back from ? why dont the setbacks jus make us realize once and for all that its never going to wrk out ? why do we still keep pushing .. why do we have dis amazing amount of resilience .. i feel like a phoenix sometimes .. rising from the ashes .. again and again .. but how many times ?

its one of those days , when i want to stop believing , give in to destiny and forget it all for good !
its one of those days , when i want to stop trying ..

and there is something inside me ... i dunno wat that voice is or where it comes from ... it jus tells me to never give up .. and never means NEVER .. no matter what happens ... it says ... dont stop trying .. i feel split into two parts ..one telling me to jus give up ,get d so called ''message'' and another telling me ... that its not in my character to give up ..

u don die when ur lowered down to d ground , u die when u stop dreaming .. so how many times before ur dream is broken,killed, smashed .. do u stop dreaming ? i guess u keep dreaming till it becomes a reality .... no matter how many times its shattered into pieces ... u keep going for it till the one time dat it wont ...

do i knw where dis hope comes back to me again .. nopes .. no clue ... but till i have this lil voice inside of me I AM STILL ALIVE

live again

If life is from this moment onwards , and the past is nothing but a memory then why do we carry all this baggage ..of pain , bitterness , hatred , loneliness , tears ? Why cant moving on be in the literal sense of the word ? We keep repeating to ourselves that we want to be happy and thats all that we want in life , how can one be happy when they always remember the stuff that made them sad , of course forgetting isn't always a choice , but is repeating it to ourselves and to others arnd us going to help ? If i want a really happy tomorrow , is choosing to remember only happy moments from yday going to help or is carrying all the bitterness is ? Does it sound like escapism ? well maybe .. but if u can take a long haul and never look back at the past that almost killed u only cos u want to live today then escapism is good too , anything that will help u do away wid bad memories is good ..

And how does one start with it? I already have ... by finding myself .. the one dat was lost in all d chaos called life .. yes we do lose parts of us as we live thru our lives .. we stop connecting wid ourselves and in d process forget who we really were .. what really affects us , what makes us ''us'' .. our core will always be there no matter what deposits over it , its only a matter of taking it off , and revealing that core to our own selves , ever felt that need to jus let go off all the guards ,being fearless all over again , not letting d past cloud ur judgement , or not letting it affect any bit of ur future , not being scared of being naive again , jus feeling ,living and breathing again .. all those demons that killed u , and took away a part of u , ever felt like telling them to leave .. i feel dat way ...

I want to live again .

its been so long since i wrote a real post , if u know what i mean ... i finished with my exam , wid all d head breaking i managed to cross the danger mark of 85 ... rest is all wat they call history ..

its been crazy , past few months .. i new country , an exam , results .. new friends , etc etc .. what i know is .. its just the beginning .. the start of a new life .. all old is over .. all of it i mean, but its part of memories not so distant, I am surprised how even the smallest thing becomes memories , how soon does stuff turn around and becomes a part of d past .. only to cherish ,learn from and move on.. thats the magnanimity of us humans and must say life too .. that all of it , good or bad .. someday or d other goes down in the books of memories ..as i go thru my life everyday and look at whats happening arnd me right now , i tell myself .. in a few days this too shall become a memory .. widout sounding like a yash chopra film .. as mch as we shd live for the present .. we shud also know .. that its going to be just a passing phase ... ironical eh ? Aint that what life is about irony and more of it ?

There is always going to be a tomorrow still to come , a yesterday thats gone , and a present that is right here ... all three of them are so different from each other yet so intertwined .. i havent known anything thats so bonded to each other and yet so so apart .. and thats what i ponder on sometimes ... more irony ;)

Saw the jackson memorial tday .. I always thought him to be a strange man , but iconic .. the memorial was amazing .. the biggest names from mariah carey to usher etc paid tributes .. he seemed to have earned it and how .. he did pay a huge price . We will never know how far the criminal stuff against him was true ... inspite of all of it millions still love him .. why ? the strangeness , the weird life style , all the child molestation things abt him .. so what made him still tick ? I guess it was the ''goodness'' that connected with people , that made them overlook all of that .

The only one thing that i felt was real in the entire memorial was the tribute by his daughter Paris .. the rest mebbe ... but i am sure if something reached Michael wherever he is now , it was that two line tribute.

I need YOU 400 times today :)

Ahan .. so d day of reckoning is here .. tomm mrning 8.30 am ... i take a deep breath , i am calm and relaxed to my own surprise .. thats all i need to be .. i hve to tell myself a few times a day .. that to do well i need to keep my mind really stable .. its not tuf ,if i can concentrate enuf and get it all together tomm , will my head finally support me , or also , will luck be on my side in getting a good set of qs .. d truth is ..i hve been driven crazy , i hve fought dis big gap in studies ..which has been a huge detriment ,in conc ,memory , etc etc .. d last exam i gave was exactly 7 yrs back ,getting back to studies afr sucha long period was nvr going to be easy .. so here i am .. testing myself ,my fate , my decisions.. i dont knw wat happens tomm , at dis point , i still feel i can do more , study more , but its never enuf is it ? its d human body and there is always so mch more to learn to know , its like dis huge vast sea , and u cant devour it all , at some point u hve to stop and say lets do it .. ive come to dat point ...

.. i havent even ever prayed as mch as i have dis time , cos coming to US was d biggest decision i took in my life .. and i need God to be wid me at every step of my way here ... I have left a lot behind .. tomm is d 1st step towards d rest of my new life .. and i knw it is in d right direction .. its hard .. but then thats exactly wat makes it so right .. d best things that we do for ourselves , sometimes are also d tufest to do .... cya tomorrow!

Buried forever

Thru the clouds i saw
Beautiful and clear .. d beauty of d day
Around in my heart , all day it lay
Pleasure peace and happiness
Deep from the heart .. yes u may ...

I hurt and i wept , i cried and i pined..
Happiness and glory and strings of joy
Tears and laughter ,and pleasures of the rain
As it fell on me , i realized it wasnt really pain
No it wasnt , it was a peace in d pain

Peace in d pain ..yes u may
Around in my heart all day it lay ..
Carrying it wid a smile ,i did ..
Tears in my eyes and smile on my face
Pain in the heart , and happiness again ..

Hurt and tears and happiness and joy
All intertwined one in d other ..ahoy
No more hoping ,no wishes on a star
No more dreams ,no genie in a jar..
Buried forever

How often do we respect the choices that we make ? and if we don't , then why do we make those choices anyway ? Isnt it time to ask ourselves to be more responsible and answerable to our ownselves ?

Alvida .. I let u go ..

...how often do u come across someone u can care for , pray for , and be in love with , even when they do not love u back ..

.. love has only one definition ... do not expect ever , and if u can still love ,getting nothing at all back ... that's love .. and it has its own contentment ... it duz pierce u thru and thru a lotta times ... but its a beautiful feeling .. a mix of love and pain .. both competing wid each other at being more intense than the other .. guess which one wins ..im still figuring out .. duz it hurt more , or is there more love .. donno ... at some level they become part of each other and u cant make out which is which .....

I dont know what bound me to u , but whatever it was .. was very strong, i have never known anything or anyone have that effect on me .. i know u know .. i know u always knew .. even in the unsaid stuff .. i know u will always know .. i dont know how something so strong cudnt find its way .. it simply wasnt meant to be .. as we move on wid other ppl .. i will always know deep down .. what true love felt like .. loving you was a blessing .. u belong to someone else and so do i .. but those feelings were sacred and i will always respect and cherish them .. i always say that chapter is closed .. in all honesty .. i still feel u and i can never be finished cos it comes from another lifetime .. and it will finish only in another .. as for now ..

I let u go .. alvida ..

''When God puts u to it , He also puts u thru it ''

This is what Guarav emailed back to me , no i do not knw him .. not literally .. but thru human threads mebbe i do , he suffers frm Acute myeloid leukemia-AML , he has a family and loved ones who didnt wanna lose him , he found out abt his condition few mths back ... but fought it thru , not knowing wat end of road was going to be like , but believing that no matter what it was going to be like , he was going to fight it ... d costs for d transplant and figuring out donors , obviously none of it must be easy , i happened to follow all of it on his website , my contribution was only good wishes ... but i learnt .. even when u dont know if u will finish a winner , u still have to run the race .. cos the running is winning enuf ... cos life will keep u guessing .. there will be hurdles , a million of those ... but dont give up .. cos u don lose when u lose , u lose when u give up ...

He still has to undergo the transplant which will be later this month .. but .. he has already won.

Ok , so dis totally sucks , i hve two more weeks for d exam , its closing in on me , and in all honesty , i feel so lost , i manage to get an 86 in my mock tests , i make all possible silly mistakes , my head feels like a dumping ground , there is too mch in it ,, im trying to articulate everything ,.. d processor is going to crash , d disc space is less and too mch data .. damn ! wtf am i going to do ?? oh pls ... something ,, think think think .. cos dis is it ... i cant freak , i need all d data intact ... wats my back up /.? phew im jus blabbering haywire stuff ... oh yeah i am .. wat do i do ... im freaking , stressing , apprehension anxiety , all in one ... GOD ... u there ... pls ,.. see me thru ... technically speaking ive done my studies , ive done my prayers .. so i shud be good ... but wat abt d fear ... oh u fear not .. go give d damn thing and get done wid it , its been 5-6 mths and its driven me insane ... i jus wanna finish it now and nvr wanna see these board books again ... pls God u listening nah ... i will not have d inclination or motivation to do any of it again ...

so wats my plan B then ? no clue .... dahh , how many times hve i tol myself to alwiz hve a plan B in life ... i hve none ... dis is do or die ... aww .. mre stress ... mre anxiety ... bull ... pls ... stop .. go .. leave ... don come bck here till june 2 !

NBDE-I

Exactly a month and a half... NBDE I .. wat i always wanted to do ,.. so im so close to finally appearing for it , am i prepared .. ? i dont know , i am not even sure i will feel totally prepared on d day of d exam , there jus seems so mch to learn , and know , understand , well yes its just basic sciences and II wud be more .. leaving dat aside .. i am not stressed , in a way happy , there came a point when i thot i wud never be able to give dis exam and it looked like a distant dream , but now i feel im inching closer to d dream , and it feels gud ... i am wrking hard , have been in d past 4 mths or so , there hve been days when im frustrated abt still studying and feel that im not goin to make it , there r occassional times of self doubt ,but who duznt hve those moments ... there hve been times when i felt im not doing enuf justice to my studies and mebbe havnt been either .. when i feel low , depressed and totally beaten up , and sick to d core for having to study while ppl my age are doing diff things ,.. but .. its NBDE I ... wat i wanted to do ever since i graduated outve collg ...

I pray really hard tday for d lords up there to listen to me dis once ....

Its all good :)

An old phrase -- happiness is our own state of mind , how many times have i not heard it or read it , and mulled over it and still , still failed to un derstand that happiness is nothing but our own state of mind , a dear old frnd of mine once said to me that it all begins and ends in the mind , and all so true aint it ... it really duz , we mould our own lives , our own sorrows and our joys , its us and noone else who is responsible for the kind of lives we have , there are prolly n no. of books written on the power of d mind , how to use it as the best tool and how not to let it ruin us , nope im not going to put down any hi fundas , cos i donno any hi fundas in d 1st place , but dis is what i do know .. we ruin ourselves by our own thought process , and if somehow we could learn to make that thought process as positive as ever , it would bloom into happiness , instead of seeing situations as hurdles and cursing fate and life and all that , wouldnt it be a better idea to see situations as d best ways in which life cud be at that time ? understanding at every point that a higher authority is a fine player and the best director ever and He does have a master plan and that master plan is all in our favor , whatever we r in.. is what is going to lead us to that favorable master plan , there is jus no bad ... bad is d word we shud eliminate from our dictionaries , cos when every thing is actually leading us to what has been destined for us , then how can any of it be bad ?

well yes , ask me ... how do u explain ppl who have fatal diseases ,ppl losing loved ones , infidelity ,broken marriages, poverty and all that suffering we see on a daily basis ... is that also His master plan ... yes , for that person in that situation it so is ... cos its there to lead them to higher state of awareness ... i know dis for a certainity ... cos i don belive anymore that this is where it all ends , i belive i am a traveller , who has had a long stopover on planet earth , and the journey is still very long .. what i gain from here is what is goin to help in my journey ...dis life is jus a small part of it ...

...smell d coffee , taste the chocolate .. no matter how it looks .. its all good :)

Equations .. is it ?

Love .. really ? its an equation , not love anymore , its convenience and getting the equation right, wid all d nos correct ... reminds me of d balanced equation in chemistry where we wud rack our brains to get it right , using several nos , changing them on d reactants or d products side till it balanced .. thats what its abt now .. its a mix of money ,profession,power, looks , d right last name, more material stuff and what not , these features balance d equation and till u don get them right ... u don find love , it no longer has anything to do wid feelings , emotions , connection&bonding,joy and happiness and all that we talked of in our teens ... oh yes .. dis is what d adult ''love'' world is about .. we thought it was abt being unconditional , ironically now it seems --d only thing that makes it work is compliance to conditions ,so what do ppl who still wanna find love do ? there seem jus a handful for whom its not an equation and what r d chances that they will find each other ? .. the answer .. i don't know ... i was never gud at chemistry equations anyways ;)

Victory over life

Im compelled to write this ..every day when i open the page of Jade Goody's cancer update ... i look at her picture , the ones after chemotherapy ,.. and it amazes me .. how beautiful she looked ...for a person who was dying , lost all hair to chemo .. she looked like an angel in all her pics .. like an innocent little child ..struggling and fighting .. but with no remorse on her face , wid a kinda peace , and full of hope ... yes hope .. dying but peacefully and wid zest , i asked my mom yday .. so wats d big deal , why so many tributes , a lotta ppl die of cervical cancer ... but i think i got my answer ... all these pictures of hers ... that look on her face of immense victory over life ... losing but yet winning ... in spirit and in the mind ... she won in spirit and that showed on her face , in all those pictures , and probably that why she tuched so many ppls hearts .. d reason behind all those tributes ... someone won inspite of losing...

Super daddy is waiting ...Ru ready ?

We can want all we want , but do we really deserve what we want .. often times i wonder , how is it that we dont always get what we want , when we pray for it and wish for it so mch , aint God supposed to be d super daddy who will always get us d gifts we asked for .. I am beginning to realize that the gift that we ask for is already packed for us , gift wrapped with beautiful ribbons , and with our names on it .. so why is it taking so mch time for those gifts to be delivered to us ? cos we r not ready yet or in other words we dont yet deserve them .. I read this in one of Cyrus' articles once that our prayer is heard when we make them , the delay is only cosve us .. we need to deserve our blessings ... and that .. is surely something that is left to us , God is ready to give us all we want , all He wants is for us to be ready too ... that is d circuit breaker ... us ... its upto us how soon we want what we want , we can wait another lifetime ... or , we can wake up right now .. work twards deserving what we asked for .. its all abt us ... take d responsibilty .. deserve it .. now !

I Believe ...

-- Nobody is responsible for ur happiness but u , similarly don let anyone be responsible for ur sorrow .. let them go
--Learn to forget , and forgive
--Respect and love urself
--Noone can hurt u unless u give them that right .. dont give anybody that right
--Feel beautiful
--Stop looking for happiness everywhere , its right there .. in ur own heart ..
--Magic happens !
--Be selfish when it comes to happiness , grab it all d time
--Nothing is forever , and everything can be replaced except for one thing .. real love , when u find it ..keep it
--Optimism and positive attitude will take you a long way..
--Life is a journey , its not a destination .. enjoy d trip wid all d bumps .. thats what its all abt
--Someone up there rules , ur wishes will be granted , all u need to do is be obedient
--Patience rocks , as mch as it sucks to be patient , but thats d key
--Be good , no matter what
--Miracles will happen..
--Never cease to dream
--Bitterness will take d sweetness out of you , avoid it
--Life is beautiful ... hate it but it still is
--Family will always stick to you , don let them go
--Friendsip, love and laughter ... yes it still exists
--The one that hold ur hand is bigger than ur biggest misfortune ,and can deal wid anything under d sun for u , but He wants u to before He steps in ..
--Never GIVE UP .. unless its in front of HIM ... He is d best buddy u can have
--Life rocks !!

LIFE IS WORKING .. RU LISTENING ?

Life --amazes me , its the best journey ever , the best teacher ever , it sobers u up , makes u live and die and live again ... gives u all it can and yet at times takes it all away from you ... you have to be a sucker at happiness to live it up and be one of those who can face challenges day in and day out to really get thru wid .. and yeah challenges but wid d widest smile ever .. you start it thinking it to all go how u wrked it out in ur head , and then along it comes ... if u cant change , it wil make sure u do , good bad .. whaetevr it will make sure like a strict teacher that u learn ur lessons ... so don be stubborn , get it right d first time or its goin to keep coming bck at u wid d same stuff over and over again ... d change is wat life is abt ... changing u .. making u better .. better and better each time ... it will draw out all d crap from you and burn it off .. all u need to do is breathe thru d heat .. and d end result will be a more compliant , obedient , resilient YOU .. and thats exactly what it wants ...as much as this whole thing sounds like an ordeal , its NOT .. its all about YOU .. and making YOU better ... thru all that hurt u and brought u grief ... its all for YOUR good , if u get d bigger picture right ... it will be plain happiness all along !

I give up

I walked with hope always

With a smile all d way ..

No matter what storms ..

No matter how hard..

I fell and I rose ..I always walked ..

I always believed ...

The sun will shine and so will d stars ..

In d gloom of the nights and in d light of d days

In all d springs, in d autumns ..

Stuck like glue .. to YOU

I always believed ...

It crumbles , and shakes me up ..

Waiting for YOU to step in and pick me up ..

Mend it ..

Leaving it all to YOU

Hands up , head down

I GIVE UP

Celebrate Life ...

Just happened to read about Jade Goody's deteriorating condition ,down wid cervical cancer , and waiting to die , it describes how she is just flooding herself in tears cos its end of the road for her .. how must that feel ? even the thought of that gives me goose skin ... and makes me realize , life is sucha gift , every single day ... how much do we appreciate it ? With all the challenges day in and day out , and all thats stillnot right , and all that ,that is going wrong .. we still have life ... and time to mend the wrong , make good of all the bad ... its not perfect ofcourse but we can still dish out a good one from what we have ... cos we have it .. life ... all d trials and tribulations , r they really that mch bother , in front of d bigger picture , in front of what we have .. a healthy life .. a good life ... not so often as happy as it cud , but then again isnt happiness just our own state of mind ?

cheers to life ...and celebrations all d way .... :)

confused , lost and what not :(

I feel like d kid from 'taare zameen par' today .. ishaan .. and literally ... lost , confused and what not !

I jus realized that my GPA fell cosve Pedo , and i feel rotten cosve that , Pedo was one bad bad day in my life , and it looks like its going to follow me here too .. sigh ... tho ortho made up for it and i nvr felt that bad .. but nw that my GPA goes low cosve it ... really really awwwwwwwww ... blame d rotten mosquito that bit me and caused malaria ... phew .. makes d whole thing all d mre tuf .. God bless me ... please :)

Still losing ...

Yet another heart wrenching story of a 19 yr old dying cosve ragging , d so called custom in medical colleges all across India , an attempt at ''knowing your seniors'' Ridiculous and cruel ... future doctors ?? If u may ... getting drunk and literally beating the pulp out of someone .. what on earth is wrong wid people , when compassion and good sense is expected out of these 'so called future doctors ... how duz one explain dis ? It is not only infuriating but it dawns on me a kinda sorrow for d parents of d 19 yr old who were happy tht their son wud be a doctor in a few yrs ... how do ppl who carry out sch brutal senseless emotionless gruesome acts continue to face themselves everyday ? How do these guys who themselves jus mebbe a yr or two older to dis boy continue to live on and face life .. are they not faced by demons of guilt and conscience or are we stepping into a world when these demons cease to exist and have converted human beings into some kinda odd machines to whom only fun at any cost is important even if the cost is as high as a human life ... ?

This , I would say is as tragic as it gets ...

karmic connection

Ever felt like humming ..

Tera mujhse hain pehle ka nata koi..
yoon hi nahin dil lubhata koi..
jaane tu ya jaane naa..
maane tu ya maane naa..

Ever felt a karmic connection wid anyone ? Cud be anyone .. a frnd , a family member or a person who u came across and then ur paths diverted .. but ... that connection stayed .. something that makes u feel connected .. at a level u cant understand .. d bond is so strong .. nothing matters , its just there .. i knw its crazy .. and im not talking necessarily abt love .. karmic connection is from a past life time , at d level of ur soul that is beyond ur own understanding ..unfinished business ...might hurt and u wudnt know why , might bring joy.. plentiful ... it exists ..and i think its wonderful to have that kinda karmic connection wid someone , cos no matter how distant u are from that person u always feel a kinda closeness , and it duznt matter whether or not that person is part of ur life in dis lifetime or not .. u still wish for that person's wellbeing , still whisper their name in ur prayers .. its crazy i knw .. but .. its beautiful at d same time .. mch has been written abt it i knw ... ... its a blessing ... at some point in my life i didnt understand it .. too many questions .. now i do ... finally .. closure.. :)

Magic happens .....

magic happens ? does it ... seems like a magical morning .. did magic happen ?

Read this somewhere tday and it made sense ...

''The people and situations that enter your life sometimes are literally being "used" by the Universe to teach YOU a lesson.'' ... wow !!

And these situations and people will keep coming till we learn those lessons ... lol ... so be a quick learner ..cos the universe seems to be a strict teacher !!!

Mumbai meri jaan ....

Rab ne bana dee jodi , Bigg boss 2 , Indian Idol 4 .. IDEA ad.. and so much more ... these r d last things that were on when i left India , is it that my relation with her,will almost fade out and stay connected only till these ? I wonder to myself , what is it that will bind me still .. how will i stay connected ... IPL , cricket , elections , aajtak , MTV roadies ... ive left all of it there .. and i feel dis desperate need to stay in tuch wid things there .. d same way as i was earlier ... but i guess it was only dat mch , its CNN , kobe bryant, Mc nabb ,American idol now ...

I wont knw mch of India now ... and somehow ... that duznt feel good .. i miss mumbai ... every single thing about it , d traffic , d people , d pollution ... rains , work ,the crazy gujju patients , bandstand , powai lake , galleria, IIT .. everything .. nothing in dis whole world will ever match up to any of it , well yeah i was alone there and i hve family here , but for five long yrs , d city never let me feel lonely , in its own way , Mumbai was family ... it was home , Mumbai will always be home ... It taught me to live fearlessly and from the heart .. inculcated in me d famous spirit of Mumbai ... gave me d kinda compassion noone cud ...

The auto walas who wud go out of d way to help me find way when i was lost , d watchman who wud make sure i find a parking spot, d ppl who wud help me park my car in parallel parks , d nutty bhaiya who wud definitely get milk n bread , all i needed to do was call ... d bus conductor who wud make sure i get a seat when i used d bus ... the bhakti guys .. who wud home deliver d smallest things possible at any time ,night or day .. even in heavy rains ... the locksmith who wud make keys for me every now and then at any time i lost my keys ..

Ever helpful people , caring and kind .. how many of them actually knew me ... probably none ... but d spirit of d city was such .. u didnt need to knw them ... they wud be there at an arms lenght ... d city amazes me ... all i can say is THANK YOU !

Domani's dawn

My best friend finally found his Miss Right , and uh oh broke d contract wid me .. that apart , i am overjoyed , the last time i was this happy was when mumtaz gave birth to baby kabir .. good things r happening to two of my fave people ..and also shashank , he is goin to be part of balaji soon .. i cudnt be happier ...

Going down d memory lane , cant stop thinking of the no. of time preshit cribbed to me how hard it was to find someone , how confused he was about what he was looking for , how he thought he would never ever find anyone , it was jus a mth bck when he was saying he is going to die like dis .. i cant stop smiling today ... cos i remember telling him to have patience and wait jus a little bit more .. i am so happy that i was right ... and all d long sessions speaking sense into his stupid head have paid off .. yayy !

Life sometimes or rather a lotta times looks impossible .. and when it is that way we feel that its always going to be like that , but there is dis very regenarative quality that life has , that no matter how hard it looks if u knw its going to bounce back .. it is .. and the best part is even if u dont knw , it still is ... we limit ourselves to what we know , the fact is .. we know nothing , but we r programmed to belive otherwise and that is precisely the reason why we struggle , wid ourselves , wid life ... be there or be square cos life is a circle ... and if u cant trust it enuf ... thats ur loss ...

I smile for both of my fave friends tday , sitting by dis laptop i go back 3 yrs ... when i broke off and everything fell apart .. yes it still moistens my eyes .. and something deep down crumbles wid pain .. its a pain i never knew existed that i was exposed to ... its something else ... it hurts and then it fills me up wid a lotta strength and a lotta courage .. solid belief in myself , in life .. yes .. thats what pain can do to u , it can kill u and then build a fortress arnd u and protect u forever ... save u ... my friends came through for me during those trying times .. mumtaz preshit shashank .. and all others .. i cud never thank them enuf .. pillars of support when all else failed me ... i am still resurrecting ... still building up my faith in life ,in love and people ... there were times when bitterness set in .. thats when life wud step in make me belive that everything is still beautiful if i can trust it enuf .. its still rocky .. i still wonder why .. d naivity is lost somewhere ... but i have learnt ... to be patient ,to believe .. to breathe thru d fire .. to face life right in d eye ... to hurt beyond comprehension and still survive .. and i have learnt that if u want to survive u will be helped ...there r angels up there ...

I still do believe in love and in God .. He knows what He is doing .. bas ... thats enuf

I still wait upon my Domani's Dawn ...

back to books !

And whatever made me think this was going to be easy , its one ordeal ,,.and i silently wish i sleep thru d nex few mths and wake up afr d boards are over . oh yeah ... only if ... 2001 was d last time i studied seriously , life was one big party after that .. work , friends , movies ,masti ,magic .. whoever knew coming to US wud have a flipside .. uh oh .. EXAMZ ! duh ... DUH ... did know that , but didnt knw .. back to books .. wud become a syndrome ... that im suffering from these days ...

1.I can snooze off any time of d day
2.Right when i need to concentrate i remember i need to call so many ppl
3.Suddenly CNN and TIMESOFINDIA have d most amazing news to watch
4.Looking out of the window and staring into nothing was never so mch fun
5.I love long showers
6.I can spend amazing amount of time playing wid gobhi !
7.Need to update FB all so often
8.Blogging .. nvr loved it more !!
9.I need to chek my email every few mins .. (as if God-knows-who is goin to write ..dahh )
11. I take d longest time ever to finish dinner!!
10.blah blah and more blah blah

If i cud concentrate a bit more ... wud be a boon !!



ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz fullly ures !!!!!

Silence

I know not , what prayer to say
I know not , what wish to ask
I know not , what dream to see
For Thy is silent in all I pray

I wait with patience and obedience
I seek Thy , knowing Thy abundance
At times I fear ,Thy give me strength
For trials are long ,and tired I am

I know there is light.. Thy is light
Upon Thy I wait ..patiently
I know just this
My patience must outlast Thy trials

In the silence I learn to hear Thy

Lord ..
Gimme d strength
To hear Thy ,
Accept Thy will
And Thy silence too.