life indeed is fragile

i am shocked , numbed ... suhas is no more ... i cudnt believe it when sankalp called me .. couldn't make sense of it , but its true .. and as devastating as it may be .. it reminds me yet again that the only one power that runs every single thing on earth is God , and He can pull strings we cannot even imagine .. in wildest of our wildest dreams ..

He was a healthy 33 yr old guy with no medical history whatsoever , thats what makes this all the more unbelievable and unnerving ... a young wife and a 2 yr old daughter , a widowed mother , and a number of ppl who knew him as a pleasant helpful and kind young man .. i hope God gives his family the strength to go through what has befallen them ..

Every time i think of his family a chill runs down my spine .. what do they have left to believe in ?

There is a mix of so many emotions , sadness , helplessness , powerlessness , and then gratefulness towards what we have and the need to appreciate the breaths we take every sigle day .. I ask myself .. how do i go thru everyday without thanking God for keeping me alive and giving me the life that i have ... this reminds me how we do not appreciate our life with whatever burdens it comes with ... it can be taken away without any single reason .... and what we can be left with is just a cold body .. lifeless

Yet again reminded of the worthlessness of it all , i sit here almost numb .. failing to understand how fragile life can be .. how thankless we can be ...

Thank you Lord .. for today , for everyday

r e m e d i a t e

So school is getting serious now , and its time for a pep talk .. why do i suddenly need it , cos i hve to remediate something .. and it obviously makes me feel bad ... its going into zones of ,.. am i that bad ? or jus staying in the zones of .. im getting a second chance and so some extra practice ...which is good ... i just wanna make sure tht i do not end up thinking on the 1st lines .. the am-i-bad lines that is ... lets just start by being non judgemental about our ownselves , there is a thin line to walk when it comes to evaluating urself ,being overly critical , and still being fair ... i just want myself to understand that its ok to hve to repeat something , it does not mean that i dont know what im doing it simply means that i need to take a deep breath and do whats needed and get done wid it !sometimes being mechanical helps ... objective is the right word , but im going to stick to using mechanical .. just do what u gotta do ... all of it is only and only to make u better at what u do ..and its ok to go wrong now when the damage is minimal , than later... this is going to hurt jus a little bit or probably nothing at all ...

As we go in deeper , it gets tougher . It gets extremely difficult to cope , what with the people around who keep planting seeds of doubt in the mind , and you have to fight all the things that u see and only keep trusting your heart .. but the poor heart is already so battered that it doesn't anymore know what to feel , so what to do u do ? when u dont even hve your instinct by ur side anymore ... what is it that u trust in ? .. sometimes i think , if ur left with nothing to trust in jus believe in ur own goodness , thats the least u can do ... atleast u have that .. and ur sure abt that one .. there will always be a ''what if'' ,there will always be a dark part to every good thing , a negative side to every beautiful thing ... every story will have a flip side ... there will always be demons , all u can do is keep the faith , in urself , mebbe when nothing else wrks ,that will !

P.S: The doubts weren't so uncalled for after all .. whoever says i have a crazy gut has no clue wat im talking abt .. my instinct vindicated one more time (5.5.11)

no they wont ..

Ppl will lie , deceive , will be cold ,dishonest, unscrupulous, uncompassionate . For some reason i could never understand how ppl do certain things , lack of conscience , lack of sensitivity towards others , deception ;it would simply be beyond my understanding , maybe cos these things r very important to me and i havent seen them missing in me ever. Some things come naturally to ppl , and these r some values that are naturally inherent in me .. and so i kind of always judged ppl wid the bar i made for my ownself failing to understand that ppl r not like me , they are different , they do not hurt when other r in pain , they do not need to be honest at all times , they do not think of placing others happinesses ahead of their own , they are manipulative , self centered and consider their own benefits always .. that is just the way they are , and for some reason i spent this large amt of time and energy waiting to see if they cud either change or if i cud find ppl who were not like that , the question is .. why do i need them to change ? why do i need to find ppl who r not like that , in a world that is completely filled of fake ppl .. isnt it just time for me to realize and be happy with the fact that i am not like them .. and so there still can be hope !

Thinking of you fondly ..

This one is for my husband , who i miss so very very much and think of more than a million times a day , he is one fantastic human being , really good at heart , patient and kind . Always knows what the right think to do is , and never ever is judgemental about anyone . Sometimes im surprised how he liked someone like me !!! oh well i prollly do have some qualities but the more i think of him i realize im so full of flaws , but gradually can work twards each one of them , prolly cos i have someone around me who sets the benchmark for me in so many regards , undoubtedly im his fan , ive prolly not even told him that myself ..

There r times when i get irritated by his objectivity , and wonder if he even has a heart .. but those r times when im getting super subjective .. he has learnt to build a good balance ...

I miss you :(

Count your blessings

There has been a plane crash with 152 out of 169 people dead.

This makes me shiver and literally so . Tragedy is never going to be anyone's part of life , it strikes and leaves u right there to introspect and know that life is so beautiful while its still there , its as much as magical and miraculous to simply be alive .. and not sometimes but always .We take it for granted so many times and stop appreciating the simple things that make our lives whole and special ... the people , friends ... loved ones.

As much as any tragedy would move anybody .. what it does to me is that it reminds me to appreciate what i have and thank God for it ;always know that i cannot take even one day of my life forward without the blessings of someone up there.

That said .. so the people who died .. didn't have any good blessings remaining ?Id say that was the group karma , and the few who did survive were not part of it.

Thank you Lord ,for all the good blessings ... well there arent any bad ones either ;)

missing ya ..

I probably wouldn't have myself realized what gaurav means to me had i not come to chicago ,now that he is so far away in florida ... i know what missing someone means. The separation is physical but not mental and thats what makes all the difference cos in my mind im always still with all the good times and also one or two bad ones that we had together , its been just 3 months that we have been married but it seems that its been forever that i have been with him .I could never have believed the cliched statement ''distance makes the heart grow fonder'' more , but rather id say ''distance makes the heart realize the fondness ''

its been hardly 3 weeks since i saw him last , and i just cant wait until tuesday when i see him again .. its interesting how love makes someone u hardly knew to someone you literally cannot live without .. we are married but i still wait for his phone call like a girl from high school would , and a simple text message makes me smile .

After being hurt so many times in love i still always believed i'd find it again , what i never believed was that it would still feel the same ... maybe thats what so amazing about love ... it will always feel the same ... u just have to believe in it enuf !

Just the heart ...

Life is not a bed of roses ... thats what i was told today .. and as much as i already know that , these words hurt .. especially cos ...

I would probably try and make someone's life a bed of roses than reminding them that it isnt one.. maybe i think too much from my heart ... will never know otherwise ... would never want to know otherwise either.

So again its just the heart :) ... Silly one i tell u :P !!!!!!