I need to talk to myself .. yes it has gotten to that .
I have for several years done too much back and forth , but I am tired now and i need peace . i dont want all that baggage anymore . I am really really tired . So here's my plan :
Stop crying over stuff
believe it will happen
stop talking but most of all thinking about it
18,000 mala or 125,000 mantra lekhan
dhun dhun and lots of dhun
stay positive
deadline march 7th 2016

But i cannot do what I have done for so many years ...  crib cry and accept . This time it will be forget , pray , expect .

i am feeling so unhappy today .. and i am telling myself to rejoice in this unhappiness because something beautiful is being built inside of me by burning all the bad .. my ego .
I know and believe beautiful things will happen . she cannot steal all the happiness .. I feel sorry for her .. she has lived her entire life on an ego trip , absorbed in her pride , manipulating everything an everybody only to feed her false ego and insecurities . I am 30 yrs younger than her and am able to see right through her .

I believe in my goodness and honesty enough to know that there is no way than up for me .. and no way but down for her .

The battle lines are drawn and this time i am not going to anybody.. not to my husband or anyone .. but to the one who makes all the decisions for everyone .