live again

If life is from this moment onwards , and the past is nothing but a memory then why do we carry all this baggage ..of pain , bitterness , hatred , loneliness , tears ? Why cant moving on be in the literal sense of the word ? We keep repeating to ourselves that we want to be happy and thats all that we want in life , how can one be happy when they always remember the stuff that made them sad , of course forgetting isn't always a choice , but is repeating it to ourselves and to others arnd us going to help ? If i want a really happy tomorrow , is choosing to remember only happy moments from yday going to help or is carrying all the bitterness is ? Does it sound like escapism ? well maybe .. but if u can take a long haul and never look back at the past that almost killed u only cos u want to live today then escapism is good too , anything that will help u do away wid bad memories is good ..

And how does one start with it? I already have ... by finding myself .. the one dat was lost in all d chaos called life .. yes we do lose parts of us as we live thru our lives .. we stop connecting wid ourselves and in d process forget who we really were .. what really affects us , what makes us ''us'' .. our core will always be there no matter what deposits over it , its only a matter of taking it off , and revealing that core to our own selves , ever felt that need to jus let go off all the guards ,being fearless all over again , not letting d past cloud ur judgement , or not letting it affect any bit of ur future , not being scared of being naive again , jus feeling ,living and breathing again .. all those demons that killed u , and took away a part of u , ever felt like telling them to leave .. i feel dat way ...

I want to live again .

Ahan .. so d day of reckoning is here .. tomm mrning 8.30 am ... i take a deep breath , i am calm and relaxed to my own surprise .. thats all i need to be .. i hve to tell myself a few times a day .. that to do well i need to keep my mind really stable .. its not tuf ,if i can concentrate enuf and get it all together tomm , will my head finally support me , or also , will luck be on my side in getting a good set of qs .. d truth is ..i hve been driven crazy , i hve fought dis big gap in studies ..which has been a huge detriment ,in conc ,memory , etc etc .. d last exam i gave was exactly 7 yrs back ,getting back to studies afr sucha long period was nvr going to be easy .. so here i am .. testing myself ,my fate , my decisions.. i dont knw wat happens tomm , at dis point , i still feel i can do more , study more , but its never enuf is it ? its d human body and there is always so mch more to learn to know , its like dis huge vast sea , and u cant devour it all , at some point u hve to stop and say lets do it .. ive come to dat point ...

.. i havent even ever prayed as mch as i have dis time , cos coming to US was d biggest decision i took in my life .. and i need God to be wid me at every step of my way here ... I have left a lot behind .. tomm is d 1st step towards d rest of my new life .. and i knw it is in d right direction .. its hard .. but then thats exactly wat makes it so right .. d best things that we do for ourselves , sometimes are also d tufest to do .... cya tomorrow!

Super daddy is waiting ...Ru ready ?

We can want all we want , but do we really deserve what we want .. often times i wonder , how is it that we dont always get what we want , when we pray for it and wish for it so mch , aint God supposed to be d super daddy who will always get us d gifts we asked for .. I am beginning to realize that the gift that we ask for is already packed for us , gift wrapped with beautiful ribbons , and with our names on it .. so why is it taking so mch time for those gifts to be delivered to us ? cos we r not ready yet or in other words we dont yet deserve them .. I read this in one of Cyrus' articles once that our prayer is heard when we make them , the delay is only cosve us .. we need to deserve our blessings ... and that .. is surely something that is left to us , God is ready to give us all we want , all He wants is for us to be ready too ... that is d circuit breaker ... us ... its upto us how soon we want what we want , we can wait another lifetime ... or , we can wake up right now .. work twards deserving what we asked for .. its all abt us ... take d responsibilty .. deserve it .. now !

LIFE IS WORKING .. RU LISTENING ?

Life --amazes me , its the best journey ever , the best teacher ever , it sobers u up , makes u live and die and live again ... gives u all it can and yet at times takes it all away from you ... you have to be a sucker at happiness to live it up and be one of those who can face challenges day in and day out to really get thru wid .. and yeah challenges but wid d widest smile ever .. you start it thinking it to all go how u wrked it out in ur head , and then along it comes ... if u cant change , it wil make sure u do , good bad .. whaetevr it will make sure like a strict teacher that u learn ur lessons ... so don be stubborn , get it right d first time or its goin to keep coming bck at u wid d same stuff over and over again ... d change is wat life is abt ... changing u .. making u better .. better and better each time ... it will draw out all d crap from you and burn it off .. all u need to do is breathe thru d heat .. and d end result will be a more compliant , obedient , resilient YOU .. and thats exactly what it wants ...as much as this whole thing sounds like an ordeal , its NOT .. its all about YOU .. and making YOU better ... thru all that hurt u and brought u grief ... its all for YOUR good , if u get d bigger picture right ... it will be plain happiness all along !

Celebrate Life ...

Just happened to read about Jade Goody's deteriorating condition ,down wid cervical cancer , and waiting to die , it describes how she is just flooding herself in tears cos its end of the road for her .. how must that feel ? even the thought of that gives me goose skin ... and makes me realize , life is sucha gift , every single day ... how much do we appreciate it ? With all the challenges day in and day out , and all thats stillnot right , and all that ,that is going wrong .. we still have life ... and time to mend the wrong , make good of all the bad ... its not perfect ofcourse but we can still dish out a good one from what we have ... cos we have it .. life ... all d trials and tribulations , r they really that mch bother , in front of d bigger picture , in front of what we have .. a healthy life .. a good life ... not so often as happy as it cud , but then again isnt happiness just our own state of mind ?

cheers to life ...and celebrations all d way .... :)

Still losing ...

Yet another heart wrenching story of a 19 yr old dying cosve ragging , d so called custom in medical colleges all across India , an attempt at ''knowing your seniors'' Ridiculous and cruel ... future doctors ?? If u may ... getting drunk and literally beating the pulp out of someone .. what on earth is wrong wid people , when compassion and good sense is expected out of these 'so called future doctors ... how duz one explain dis ? It is not only infuriating but it dawns on me a kinda sorrow for d parents of d 19 yr old who were happy tht their son wud be a doctor in a few yrs ... how do ppl who carry out sch brutal senseless emotionless gruesome acts continue to face themselves everyday ? How do these guys who themselves jus mebbe a yr or two older to dis boy continue to live on and face life .. are they not faced by demons of guilt and conscience or are we stepping into a world when these demons cease to exist and have converted human beings into some kinda odd machines to whom only fun at any cost is important even if the cost is as high as a human life ... ?

This , I would say is as tragic as it gets ...

Rainfully yours ....

5.45 pm and still at work .. well yeah if im blogging , i don really have much wrk , but that aside ..its yet another rainy day in mumbai ,while i came in at 3 ,most of d ppl outside were rushing back home.most of d second shift ppl have not appeared at d centre today , d ones that did are almost gone , same ol phenomenon ..trains not working water logging , my bhai tol me ..i was a nutcase, going for wrk tday ...i really wudnt beg to differ ;-) ...i love the rains and all that associated wid them too ..there r traffic jams every where and too mch water ..its still pouring outside , and i don hve a clue how am i going to make it back home .. but for goodness sake ..its just rains !

Revelations

I walked towards my home ....i knew it was going to be a long long night ..but little did i know that i was going to experience certain emotions i never knew existed ..a combination of pain, anger ,misery ,fear ,betrayal and helplessness ...wanting to yell out aloud ...but holding back ...as i thought throughtout the night ...looking out from my window ..watching the city sleep ...realizing that everyone was in there dream world and here i was ..dealing with shattered dreams and not wanting to dream anymore ...fighting out the demons that were discouraging me ,that were taking 'me' away from 'me' ...the demons that were wanting me to lose ...yes i had a dead dream that night ...i tried to sleep ..but realized it was an effort in vain ..i had to fight myself out that night ....as the first light of dawn broke out ....i was somehow pleased that the night had passed though i had done nothing ...i still felt helpless and in immense pain ...i decided to walk out of the house ....i walked out from the night into the daylight ...from my house towards the road ....with tears rolling down and i was almost unable to see clearly ....the light was still dim ...and i could see on the road the milkman, the paper guy , the car wash guy ....some olderly ppl walking on the road ....some birds that had just woken up and were flying outve their nests .....this was life .....and thats when i realized life was bigger than anything i could be faced with , all those ppl on the road ...i donno if they saw me ....but they were giving me strenght ...to stand up , to walk ....to live .....in some odd way ....i realized that no matter who kills ur dream ...u still have ur life and its bigger and much more beautiful than anything else ...that no matter what u face ..no matter which demons haunt u in the darkness of the night ....the morning brings a light ...that will help u hold on to life ...and this light is not ever going anywhere ..if u allow ureself to see it ....

That night changed me ....i still look back and sometimes it haunts me ...but i thank that bit too cos i wouldve never seen the beauty of life that we can see inspite of all that kills us and pulls us back ...for me nothing had happened , the situations were still the same ...only the vision had changed ....i knew i had won my first battle.