Equations .. is it ?

Love .. really ? its an equation , not love anymore , its convenience and getting the equation right, wid all d nos correct ... reminds me of d balanced equation in chemistry where we wud rack our brains to get it right , using several nos , changing them on d reactants or d products side till it balanced .. thats what its abt now .. its a mix of money ,profession,power, looks , d right last name, more material stuff and what not , these features balance d equation and till u don get them right ... u don find love , it no longer has anything to do wid feelings , emotions , connection&bonding,joy and happiness and all that we talked of in our teens ... oh yes .. dis is what d adult ''love'' world is about .. we thought it was abt being unconditional , ironically now it seems --d only thing that makes it work is compliance to conditions ,so what do ppl who still wanna find love do ? there seem jus a handful for whom its not an equation and what r d chances that they will find each other ? .. the answer .. i don't know ... i was never gud at chemistry equations anyways ;)

Victory over life

Im compelled to write this ..every day when i open the page of Jade Goody's cancer update ... i look at her picture , the ones after chemotherapy ,.. and it amazes me .. how beautiful she looked ...for a person who was dying , lost all hair to chemo .. she looked like an angel in all her pics .. like an innocent little child ..struggling and fighting .. but with no remorse on her face , wid a kinda peace , and full of hope ... yes hope .. dying but peacefully and wid zest , i asked my mom yday .. so wats d big deal , why so many tributes , a lotta ppl die of cervical cancer ... but i think i got my answer ... all these pictures of hers ... that look on her face of immense victory over life ... losing but yet winning ... in spirit and in the mind ... she won in spirit and that showed on her face , in all those pictures , and probably that why she tuched so many ppls hearts .. d reason behind all those tributes ... someone won inspite of losing...

Super daddy is waiting ...Ru ready ?

We can want all we want , but do we really deserve what we want .. often times i wonder , how is it that we dont always get what we want , when we pray for it and wish for it so mch , aint God supposed to be d super daddy who will always get us d gifts we asked for .. I am beginning to realize that the gift that we ask for is already packed for us , gift wrapped with beautiful ribbons , and with our names on it .. so why is it taking so mch time for those gifts to be delivered to us ? cos we r not ready yet or in other words we dont yet deserve them .. I read this in one of Cyrus' articles once that our prayer is heard when we make them , the delay is only cosve us .. we need to deserve our blessings ... and that .. is surely something that is left to us , God is ready to give us all we want , all He wants is for us to be ready too ... that is d circuit breaker ... us ... its upto us how soon we want what we want , we can wait another lifetime ... or , we can wake up right now .. work twards deserving what we asked for .. its all abt us ... take d responsibilty .. deserve it .. now !

I Believe ...

-- Nobody is responsible for ur happiness but u , similarly don let anyone be responsible for ur sorrow .. let them go
--Learn to forget , and forgive
--Respect and love urself
--Noone can hurt u unless u give them that right .. dont give anybody that right
--Feel beautiful
--Stop looking for happiness everywhere , its right there .. in ur own heart ..
--Magic happens !
--Be selfish when it comes to happiness , grab it all d time
--Nothing is forever , and everything can be replaced except for one thing .. real love , when u find it ..keep it
--Optimism and positive attitude will take you a long way..
--Life is a journey , its not a destination .. enjoy d trip wid all d bumps .. thats what its all abt
--Someone up there rules , ur wishes will be granted , all u need to do is be obedient
--Patience rocks , as mch as it sucks to be patient , but thats d key
--Be good , no matter what
--Miracles will happen..
--Never cease to dream
--Bitterness will take d sweetness out of you , avoid it
--Life is beautiful ... hate it but it still is
--Family will always stick to you , don let them go
--Friendsip, love and laughter ... yes it still exists
--The one that hold ur hand is bigger than ur biggest misfortune ,and can deal wid anything under d sun for u , but He wants u to before He steps in ..
--Never GIVE UP .. unless its in front of HIM ... He is d best buddy u can have
--Life rocks !!

LIFE IS WORKING .. RU LISTENING ?

Life --amazes me , its the best journey ever , the best teacher ever , it sobers u up , makes u live and die and live again ... gives u all it can and yet at times takes it all away from you ... you have to be a sucker at happiness to live it up and be one of those who can face challenges day in and day out to really get thru wid .. and yeah challenges but wid d widest smile ever .. you start it thinking it to all go how u wrked it out in ur head , and then along it comes ... if u cant change , it wil make sure u do , good bad .. whaetevr it will make sure like a strict teacher that u learn ur lessons ... so don be stubborn , get it right d first time or its goin to keep coming bck at u wid d same stuff over and over again ... d change is wat life is abt ... changing u .. making u better .. better and better each time ... it will draw out all d crap from you and burn it off .. all u need to do is breathe thru d heat .. and d end result will be a more compliant , obedient , resilient YOU .. and thats exactly what it wants ...as much as this whole thing sounds like an ordeal , its NOT .. its all about YOU .. and making YOU better ... thru all that hurt u and brought u grief ... its all for YOUR good , if u get d bigger picture right ... it will be plain happiness all along !

I give up

I walked with hope always

With a smile all d way ..

No matter what storms ..

No matter how hard..

I fell and I rose ..I always walked ..

I always believed ...

The sun will shine and so will d stars ..

In d gloom of the nights and in d light of d days

In all d springs, in d autumns ..

Stuck like glue .. to YOU

I always believed ...

It crumbles , and shakes me up ..

Waiting for YOU to step in and pick me up ..

Mend it ..

Leaving it all to YOU

Hands up , head down

I GIVE UP

Celebrate Life ...

Just happened to read about Jade Goody's deteriorating condition ,down wid cervical cancer , and waiting to die , it describes how she is just flooding herself in tears cos its end of the road for her .. how must that feel ? even the thought of that gives me goose skin ... and makes me realize , life is sucha gift , every single day ... how much do we appreciate it ? With all the challenges day in and day out , and all thats stillnot right , and all that ,that is going wrong .. we still have life ... and time to mend the wrong , make good of all the bad ... its not perfect ofcourse but we can still dish out a good one from what we have ... cos we have it .. life ... all d trials and tribulations , r they really that mch bother , in front of d bigger picture , in front of what we have .. a healthy life .. a good life ... not so often as happy as it cud , but then again isnt happiness just our own state of mind ?

cheers to life ...and celebrations all d way .... :)

confused , lost and what not :(

I feel like d kid from 'taare zameen par' today .. ishaan .. and literally ... lost , confused and what not !

I jus realized that my GPA fell cosve Pedo , and i feel rotten cosve that , Pedo was one bad bad day in my life , and it looks like its going to follow me here too .. sigh ... tho ortho made up for it and i nvr felt that bad .. but nw that my GPA goes low cosve it ... really really awwwwwwwww ... blame d rotten mosquito that bit me and caused malaria ... phew .. makes d whole thing all d mre tuf .. God bless me ... please :)

Still losing ...

Yet another heart wrenching story of a 19 yr old dying cosve ragging , d so called custom in medical colleges all across India , an attempt at ''knowing your seniors'' Ridiculous and cruel ... future doctors ?? If u may ... getting drunk and literally beating the pulp out of someone .. what on earth is wrong wid people , when compassion and good sense is expected out of these 'so called future doctors ... how duz one explain dis ? It is not only infuriating but it dawns on me a kinda sorrow for d parents of d 19 yr old who were happy tht their son wud be a doctor in a few yrs ... how do ppl who carry out sch brutal senseless emotionless gruesome acts continue to face themselves everyday ? How do these guys who themselves jus mebbe a yr or two older to dis boy continue to live on and face life .. are they not faced by demons of guilt and conscience or are we stepping into a world when these demons cease to exist and have converted human beings into some kinda odd machines to whom only fun at any cost is important even if the cost is as high as a human life ... ?

This , I would say is as tragic as it gets ...

karmic connection

Ever felt like humming ..

Tera mujhse hain pehle ka nata koi..
yoon hi nahin dil lubhata koi..
jaane tu ya jaane naa..
maane tu ya maane naa..

Ever felt a karmic connection wid anyone ? Cud be anyone .. a frnd , a family member or a person who u came across and then ur paths diverted .. but ... that connection stayed .. something that makes u feel connected .. at a level u cant understand .. d bond is so strong .. nothing matters , its just there .. i knw its crazy .. and im not talking necessarily abt love .. karmic connection is from a past life time , at d level of ur soul that is beyond ur own understanding ..unfinished business ...might hurt and u wudnt know why , might bring joy.. plentiful ... it exists ..and i think its wonderful to have that kinda karmic connection wid someone , cos no matter how distant u are from that person u always feel a kinda closeness , and it duznt matter whether or not that person is part of ur life in dis lifetime or not .. u still wish for that person's wellbeing , still whisper their name in ur prayers .. its crazy i knw .. but .. its beautiful at d same time .. mch has been written abt it i knw ... ... its a blessing ... at some point in my life i didnt understand it .. too many questions .. now i do ... finally .. closure.. :)

Magic happens .....

magic happens ? does it ... seems like a magical morning .. did magic happen ?

Read this somewhere tday and it made sense ...

''The people and situations that enter your life sometimes are literally being "used" by the Universe to teach YOU a lesson.'' ... wow !!

And these situations and people will keep coming till we learn those lessons ... lol ... so be a quick learner ..cos the universe seems to be a strict teacher !!!

Mumbai meri jaan ....

Rab ne bana dee jodi , Bigg boss 2 , Indian Idol 4 .. IDEA ad.. and so much more ... these r d last things that were on when i left India , is it that my relation with her,will almost fade out and stay connected only till these ? I wonder to myself , what is it that will bind me still .. how will i stay connected ... IPL , cricket , elections , aajtak , MTV roadies ... ive left all of it there .. and i feel dis desperate need to stay in tuch wid things there .. d same way as i was earlier ... but i guess it was only dat mch , its CNN , kobe bryant, Mc nabb ,American idol now ...

I wont knw mch of India now ... and somehow ... that duznt feel good .. i miss mumbai ... every single thing about it , d traffic , d people , d pollution ... rains , work ,the crazy gujju patients , bandstand , powai lake , galleria, IIT .. everything .. nothing in dis whole world will ever match up to any of it , well yeah i was alone there and i hve family here , but for five long yrs , d city never let me feel lonely , in its own way , Mumbai was family ... it was home , Mumbai will always be home ... It taught me to live fearlessly and from the heart .. inculcated in me d famous spirit of Mumbai ... gave me d kinda compassion noone cud ...

The auto walas who wud go out of d way to help me find way when i was lost , d watchman who wud make sure i find a parking spot, d ppl who wud help me park my car in parallel parks , d nutty bhaiya who wud definitely get milk n bread , all i needed to do was call ... d bus conductor who wud make sure i get a seat when i used d bus ... the bhakti guys .. who wud home deliver d smallest things possible at any time ,night or day .. even in heavy rains ... the locksmith who wud make keys for me every now and then at any time i lost my keys ..

Ever helpful people , caring and kind .. how many of them actually knew me ... probably none ... but d spirit of d city was such .. u didnt need to knw them ... they wud be there at an arms lenght ... d city amazes me ... all i can say is THANK YOU !

Domani's dawn

My best friend finally found his Miss Right , and uh oh broke d contract wid me .. that apart , i am overjoyed , the last time i was this happy was when mumtaz gave birth to baby kabir .. good things r happening to two of my fave people ..and also shashank , he is goin to be part of balaji soon .. i cudnt be happier ...

Going down d memory lane , cant stop thinking of the no. of time preshit cribbed to me how hard it was to find someone , how confused he was about what he was looking for , how he thought he would never ever find anyone , it was jus a mth bck when he was saying he is going to die like dis .. i cant stop smiling today ... cos i remember telling him to have patience and wait jus a little bit more .. i am so happy that i was right ... and all d long sessions speaking sense into his stupid head have paid off .. yayy !

Life sometimes or rather a lotta times looks impossible .. and when it is that way we feel that its always going to be like that , but there is dis very regenarative quality that life has , that no matter how hard it looks if u knw its going to bounce back .. it is .. and the best part is even if u dont knw , it still is ... we limit ourselves to what we know , the fact is .. we know nothing , but we r programmed to belive otherwise and that is precisely the reason why we struggle , wid ourselves , wid life ... be there or be square cos life is a circle ... and if u cant trust it enuf ... thats ur loss ...

I smile for both of my fave friends tday , sitting by dis laptop i go back 3 yrs ... when i broke off and everything fell apart .. yes it still moistens my eyes .. and something deep down crumbles wid pain .. its a pain i never knew existed that i was exposed to ... its something else ... it hurts and then it fills me up wid a lotta strength and a lotta courage .. solid belief in myself , in life .. yes .. thats what pain can do to u , it can kill u and then build a fortress arnd u and protect u forever ... save u ... my friends came through for me during those trying times .. mumtaz preshit shashank .. and all others .. i cud never thank them enuf .. pillars of support when all else failed me ... i am still resurrecting ... still building up my faith in life ,in love and people ... there were times when bitterness set in .. thats when life wud step in make me belive that everything is still beautiful if i can trust it enuf .. its still rocky .. i still wonder why .. d naivity is lost somewhere ... but i have learnt ... to be patient ,to believe .. to breathe thru d fire .. to face life right in d eye ... to hurt beyond comprehension and still survive .. and i have learnt that if u want to survive u will be helped ...there r angels up there ...

I still do believe in love and in God .. He knows what He is doing .. bas ... thats enuf

I still wait upon my Domani's Dawn ...

back to books !

And whatever made me think this was going to be easy , its one ordeal ,,.and i silently wish i sleep thru d nex few mths and wake up afr d boards are over . oh yeah ... only if ... 2001 was d last time i studied seriously , life was one big party after that .. work , friends , movies ,masti ,magic .. whoever knew coming to US wud have a flipside .. uh oh .. EXAMZ ! duh ... DUH ... did know that , but didnt knw .. back to books .. wud become a syndrome ... that im suffering from these days ...

1.I can snooze off any time of d day
2.Right when i need to concentrate i remember i need to call so many ppl
3.Suddenly CNN and TIMESOFINDIA have d most amazing news to watch
4.Looking out of the window and staring into nothing was never so mch fun
5.I love long showers
6.I can spend amazing amount of time playing wid gobhi !
7.Need to update FB all so often
8.Blogging .. nvr loved it more !!
9.I need to chek my email every few mins .. (as if God-knows-who is goin to write ..dahh )
11. I take d longest time ever to finish dinner!!
10.blah blah and more blah blah

If i cud concentrate a bit more ... wud be a boon !!



ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz fullly ures !!!!!

Silence

I know not , what prayer to say
I know not , what wish to ask
I know not , what dream to see
For Thy is silent in all I pray

I wait with patience and obedience
I seek Thy , knowing Thy abundance
At times I fear ,Thy give me strength
For trials are long ,and tired I am

I know there is light.. Thy is light
Upon Thy I wait ..patiently
I know just this
My patience must outlast Thy trials

In the silence I learn to hear Thy

Lord ..
Gimme d strength
To hear Thy ,
Accept Thy will
And Thy silence too.

Don’t Care So Much For Me,
I May Get Used To It.

Don’t Come So Near To Me,
I May Not Be Able To Detach From It.

Don’t Put So Much Faith In Me,
I May Not Be Able To Handle It.

Don’t Touch Me The Way U Do,
I May Not Be Able To Get Over It.

Don’t Become A Part Of My Life,
Because Without You, I Won’t Be Able To Live It.

Don’t Make Me Fall For You,
I May Not Be Able To Fall Out Of It.

Don’t Come Into My Life,
If You Have To Leave One Day.

Don’t Give Me The Hope,
That It’s Forever U R Going To Stay.

Because Love Is An Emotion,
I Won’t Be Able To Hide.

When Love Isn’t Reciprocated With Love,
It Hurts Deep Down Inside.

Don’t Start Something,
That I Won’t Be Able To End.

Don’t Make Me Believe,
That You Can Be More Than A Friend.

Because At The End Of It All,
I Don’t Want To Hear You Say,

That,” I’M SORRY”,
“But I Never Felt The Same Way”.

A PUNCHING BAG

And when she looked she knew she had met someone who wud be a part of her heart forever , it was a joyful feeling and she didnt wanna look back , she was in love for the first time and oh so beautiful it was , little did she know that she was looking at someone who would cause her pain for the rest of her life , yes , there were ppl who cud do that and he was going to be one of those ..

she moved on and she again met someone ,thinking this time atleast , the love Gods would have mercy and let her dreams come true .. but dreams are just dreams alas .. he left .. to crumble and crush her life .. and teach her stuff she didnt wanna learn ...

this little dame had the guts to love again .. and she did .. this time she failed yet again , she asked herself ... what is it that keeps me going ? why duznt my heart stop beating before it falls in love cos everytime after a heartbreak it dies a bit anyways ? she didnt ask ''why me'' cos she wud still wanna dream

Her dream was to find love , and give it to her heart , but alas .. she couldnt find it , no matter how she pined .. it was lost somewhere , or so was her fate .. d one thing she wanted she felt , she was denied .. it killed her and made her wonder ... am i me or am i someone else ? if i am me , then how is it that d God up there duznt know me well enuf to knw that all i need is ''love'',

She asked ''how is it that right when im so close to my dreams coming true ,they fall apart ? how long do i learn to live in the joy of the Lord while my soul whines and cries ..how long do i tell myself that this is jus what is right for me ? how long till i find what i came here for ...how much more patience .. and why?''

She needed to know '' is it wrong to dream ? is it wrong to believe ? is it wrong to hurt and still believe .. and believe endlessly ... is ther an end ... or is it always gonna be this way ?''

She was hurt more no. of times than the stars in d sky .. but she still didnt fear falling in love again , she herself didnt know why ... in the dimness of d nite , she wud silently pray absorbing all d pain .. feeling it and letting it seep in ... she wud hear her soul twist and whine ... that she said .. is what is changing ..

How many times more before she would realize that her heart is nothing but a punching bag ....

Migel Ruiz -The four agreements

A few pages later he says :

''People fear because they feel safe in their suffering.They've practiced that and can be in that place for years .They know exactly how to do it .To open the heart is to go into the unknown .People want to reach somewhere without going anywhere .Most people live their life for the end result ,but the living is the life itself .The only way for any of us to say thank you to God ,is to really enjoy and live the life we have .And to say to someone ,''Hey ,I love you.'' Who cares if they love you back ?''

Would she ...

As her friend rightly said , she had hit the wall , either she cud jump it or break it , there was no choice , wid all d options fading out,and after having tried everything else, she felt it wud be easier to just stay pinned to d wall than do any of d above , but that wud be a cowardly thing to do ...so what would she do , who knew how jumping it over wud help or wud it jus lead her to another ditch on d other side , whats on d other side anyways , was her dilemma but she wouldnt know it unless she saw it for herself , faced it herself , was she really ready for it ? was she made of that much metal that she wud face wat was on d other side rather than staying at one place and just wonder ...?

She asked herself would it hurt more to go explore what lay on the other side , what if what was there wasnt what she expected it to be ? She asked herself cornered against her wall of destiny ... is it that certain things should remain unknown and are better that way ...would she be able to face herself with the same pride if she left this to the unknown ...or would this become a regret that she carried with her all her life ? Was the fear of knowing the unknown really so big after all and was it really worth the fear ? Yes she was going to face her worst fear , and she was terrified even before it was there .She asked herself was she really so weak ?

She stood there in her dilemma ...on the verge of facing her worst fears ,on the verge of losing everything ..she stood in her safety zone wondering if her leap would change her life forever ..it was a leap she had to take in her mind .. she only had to overcome this fear and jump the wall ...would she ?

But she knew one thing ...no matter how tough it appeared to be ...she owed this to herself ...she owed this to her life ...the question was ..did she love herself and her life enuf to face what she dreaded most or did she love herself and her life to go get what she wanted most?....would she ?

Dreams

I read this on a friends blog page , its one of my favorite ones --

I knew she was looking at me.....
I knew she wanted to say something......
I knew she would be happy even if I cried......
She held me close to her.....
She had tears in her eyes......
She had all the love I could never have......
We knew we would never be together.....
We knew the dreams would remain unfulfilled.....
We did not get the chance to know each other
But we loved each other.......
I am who am.....
The still born child of my Mother.......