One more time !

Living alone prepared me for a lotve things , my family moved to US 7 yrs back when i was in my early 20's , i distinctly remember not wanting to feel anything at all , and let the whole thing be just any other thing .. i didn't want to even say it aloud to myself that from here on it was jus me on my own , mom wud visit a few mths every yr , but the family i had lived wid all my life was suddenly gone , and this is probably even the first time that im saying this to myself , my process of accepting to live on my own was simple .. not make a big deal out of it and take one day at a time , and needless to say it worked .. so why am i writing this down here today .. cos even tho it wrked .. it was still not one of the easiest things to do , somehow thru those years i came across the most fantastic ppl , who helped me every step of the way and gradually became more than family , they loved me as their own and made sure i was never lonely , made me realize at times that blood is not always thicker than water ... they were there for me at any time of d day , and i knew i cud count on them , the bond became greater than even those of any of the relatives , it was based on love , friendship and genuine concern of well being for me ,,,

Just when i started living on my own , sometimes i wud ask .. so why do i have to go thru this , i wud find myself glaring at the four walls on festivals and my birthday and somehow that wud suck to the core , but gradually i learned that it ws totally in my control how to make best of this , i had to just open up to ppl arnd me and let them in .... as was i growing up i simply had given up on frnds and family had become my biggest strength ,but this part of my life kind of changed that and i started believing in people more than ever , that they cud bring in happiness and care for u unconditionally , and i can never thank our satsang enuf for that.

A year back i left from Mumbai for US , it ws obviously going to be hard , i had been wid these ppl for nearly 6 yrs and wid all those strong bonds ... i told myself again ... dont make a big deal out of this , take one day at a time ... i miss them all ...but thats what life is !!

One year on , i have to once again move out of my home .. im leaving tomm , in abt 7 weeks i will start my life wid Gaurav .. a part of me is very scared .. ive been thru a lotve transitions already and ideally i shud be prepared ... but one more time i have the same advice for myself .. dont make a big deal outve it .. take one day at a time ... its going to be diff from d rest ... but good different .. nevertheless i am scared .. this seems like the final transition and for sure the tougest one !

Just do it !

This is a real cliche , and no matter how many times i say this to myself or put it down here .. it is going to be less .. and its a big bold fact which we can ignore , overlook or nullify as mch as we want ... the plain simple truth is and always will be that our happiness is totally in our own control , we r completely and thoroughly slaves of our own mind . No other person can make us happy , noone can take away from us our peace if we do not let them , till the time we do not want to be happy we wont be , our mind will trick us a million times to make us sad and lose hope , it will make us negative over and over again ... that is its job , the trick is to never fall in that trap , everytime it plays that little game , realize and say it out aloud if u have to that ''I am not going to fall prey to ur dirty tricks , I am not going to give my peace and happiness to u .. I simply am not''

As easy as it sounds , it isn't really that easy ... cos everytime we start trusting our mind and fall for the little game ... again and again ..

I wanna put myself thru an exercise , and im going to do dis mebbe jus one day at a time and not have too many huge targets ... im going to be very careful wid my wat my mind duz everyday , and every possible chance that it gets to play that little game ... im going to try and identify it and not let it bog me down .. i want to control my mind in a way that it cant stop me frm bringing in any unhappiness and sadness by its silly games

Lets just do it !!

This one's for ''All that Jazz'' !

Ive realized that the only true connection that i have wid myself is thru my blog , anytime i feel depressed , i come and read the blog and it makes me feel so mch more better , so this little piece is a dedication to my blog page ...

i ws wondering why i feel so peaceful when i read or write stuff here .. probably cos i spill my soul out .. and obviously that has to bring peace .. in the chaos of life , and ppl who r superficial , selfish and completely self centred .. this is where i find the real me ... the me that struggles to understand ppl , that is saddened by mean and deceitful ppl , the me that sometimes feels suffocated in the commotion of life , the me that needs one place where there are no boundaries to honesty , where there are no limits to expressing , where emotions can flow as much as they want to widout fear of being judged , where i know that speaking my mind is not going to turn any one off , where noone is going to walk out on me , where there is no fear but plain simple truth ... where there is purity and complete honesty ....

This blog is my heart in the truest sense of the word ... All That Jazz !

Nothing merry abt Xmas !

This is one of the times when i totally hate myself , or the kind of person i am , i am going to brag a lot so anyone who duznt like conceited ppl needn't read it anyways !!

I am kind and compassionate , i hate to hurt anyone in the slightest possible manner , i will go out of my way to make sure that whatever i am doing is not hurting anyone arnd me , and if it is i will hurt myself but make sure others feelings are kept in mind , and honest to the core today ... i hate being this kind of person .. cos its hard to always keep others happiness ahead of my own , and it duznt happen unless i hurt myself once in a while .. i think my life wud be a 100 times happier if i didnt care so much abt others , yes there are times when being this way brings a kind of peace noone else probably knows of , but those times are rare ,there is no consolation to wanting other people's happiness and placing their needs ahead of ur own ... just that u know in ur heart that u are a good person ... but what do u do of that good person ? after a point u just get tired of being a good person and want to be a regular person who wants to at times not care abt anyone and just place ownself ahead of others ...

Life is hard for a good person ... very hard at that !

Don't give up , ever !!

There is no code to life but , if u give up on it , it gives up on u . Life tests all the time , the trick is in understanding that no matter how hard it makes it for u , always always stay put , know that the longer it tests u the bigger the lessons its going to give u , that it has its reasons , and though u dont see those reasons , u do always stick like glue to ur belief that no matter how hard it looks it will be all right , the minute u give up ur belief u die .

It all starts and ends in the mind .. thats what a dear friend of mine told me once and literally so ... i feel a kind of helplessness sometimes when i see ppl arnd me who wanna give up and not dream anymore .. cos losing is not an option , u have to just go on .. there simply is no choice but that . Life has this tremendous quality of somehow becoming beautiful , rising from the ashes like a phoenix , but it can do all that only when u completely trust in its ability of bouncing back , the minute u give up .. life is over .. just like that ! its a loop , all interconnected .

Losing a dear friend and then still somehow learning to be happy taught me that u can think that this is the worst it gets , maybe it even is , u can think u will never experience more pain than this , maybe u wont , u think u have lost everything , maybe u have , but as long as u can tell urself that i will still find a way to be happy someday ... u surely will .

Till the time u have ur faith in urself and life intact ... no matter how dead u feel ... u will breathe again .. don let that faith die .. ever !

Love is

1. Wanting to wake up and hear his voice first thing in the morning
2. Knowing that he loves u even when he duznt say it
3. Knowing that he thinks of u even when he duznt call u
4. Wanting to cook the best meal for him
5. Crying and whining one moment ,and laughing and smiling the other
6. Placing his happiness above everything else
7. Doing things u don wanna do only cos they make him smile
8. Singing for him once in a while
9. Checking ur messenger n times a day for one offline msg frm him
10.Checking ur phone a million times a day for his missed call
11. Not getting any sleep in d nite when u havent heard his voice throughout the day
12.Laughing at his jokes even when u don understand them
13.Not telling him ever what hurts u most
14.Just wanting him to know .....
15.Knowing in ur heart that his arms are the best place in the world for u
16.Burnt food once in a while
17.Ending up telling each other the same story over and over again
18.Talking to him even when he aint around
19.No ego ever
20.No me only us
21.Kissing and making up
22.Never wanting anything in return
23.Stars in the eyes
24.Smiling to urself
25.Letting him have his way
26.Letting him go when he wants to
27. Just loving.

Stone walls do not a prison make
Nor iron bars a cage
Its mind's peace and quiet
That takes for a Hermitage

Something from Rabindranath Tagore ,our english teaher taught us when we were in 8th , that I remembered today...

26/11

A whole year gone since the guts of Mumbai were challenged yet again , the resilience and endurance of Mumbaikars was tested and needless to say they stood up to it.

I felt sad that day not only cos all of that happened but also cos while it was happening i wasnt there ,to be a part of the pain Mumbai went thru , I remember the riots and every time any calamity struck ,the spirit of the city took up and life went on in the literal sense of the word .Thats what has made the city so special ..the never give up nature and the power to bounce right back.

Yes , its personal.

Salaam mumbai

The Karma Card

What really happens of people who r hurt , deceived and cheated upon in love , they r devastated and they go thru a lot of pain , but the truth is that they get over it , they change , become different ppl , a part of their heart is altered forever , but people who r hurt in love have God on their side , He is always with the broken heart , and the one that breaks it, is the one who needs to worry .

Usually people who r dishonest and cheat must think they r very smart to have gotten their way and fooled someone so smoothly , the honest truth is they r only simply fooling themselves , cos its exactly ppl like these whose names go down in their Karma cards as defaulters and no matter what happens they r dealt with, at some stage or the other , they will be really lucky if they r dealt wid in this lifetime of theirs but if it goes into another lifetime then they have to pay the price for something they don even remember doing , and that is even worse .

The karma card is always open , each time anyone lies , is dishonest and deceives whether that person comes to know of it or not , it goes down in that card and it for sure all comes back ... As i look at it , i want to make sure my karma card is always having gud things abt me , not for the sake of others but for my own sake .. all these things abt trust , faith etc ... oh well , as long as i can be someone who duznt do any of that, and i can be trusted no matter what ... then i know i have a clean karma card and thats what that really matters ..

Ive come to see betrayal and dishonesty in different light lately , its no longer abt wat others do , its abt what I do .. not for others but for my ownself .. makes sense ?

Dear Friend..

Dear Friend Yuvie,

It's been four years ,since I lost you , for some reason i miss you today .. i do not know in which world you are but wherever u are i pray that u r safe , loved and cared for cos thats exactly what u deserve.You were the kindest soul I ever came across , your heart and your laughter was that like a child's ..pure and simply beautiful.

Its strange that we do not cherish the people while they are still there and miss them only when they are gone , that we end up only seeing what we dislike in people when they are around us rather than adore them for what we like in them .I remember the last phone call , yes none of us knew it was going to be the last phone call , but mebbe some subconscious part of u did .. i will always remember what u said to me , u surprised me tons , i wish i had known back then that those words came out of u cos God knew we would never talk like that again , that after that conversation the Yuvie i would meet would be somebody else .. i can never thank you enuf for that last conversation cos for all that was to follow ,it became my only strength ... Thank You for giving me a beautiful memory . What we had was a beautiful pure friendship , one that only be cherished every moment .

I dreaded every phone call from you after that , not knowing what news it might bring , for four months , ur life was a vegetable but so was mine along with the many others who cared for you .. nobody knew what fate wud bring and all prayed for a miracle.

6 ft 1 tall , broad and a real big guy .. that was Yuvie , to anyone he might be someone they might get scared of , but to me he was a guy wid the softest heart ever , gentle kind and caring , someone who knew only how to give and never expect , who had pride in being who he was , who respected elders like noone else and could do absolutely anything in the world for his friends .. that was Yuvie ... a buddy and the coolest pal ever , wid him arnd..u cud feel safe and protected cos u knew u had a person arnd u who wud fight for u no matter what, stick by u thru anything and everything , never judge u .. he was one of the very few fantastic ppl i knew .. little did i know .. that the life of this fantastic relationship was shorter than u cud imagine .. he had to go .

The miracle did happen ,and Yuvie was out of coma , and we all heaved a sigh of relief knowing little that this was only beginning of a more dreaded end and literally so ,not only for him but also for our beautiful platonic friendship , he felt he was no longer good enuf and no matter what anyone said he knew that the one person who had to leave from his life was me .. and i had no idea how i was going to survive this coldness , i tried to understand it , made that phone call the best memory from the whole thing and left .. it was going to be a long nite.After a few weeks it was 3.30 in the night and my phone rang , in the wee hrs of the mrning , i wondered who cud be calling me and it was Yuvie , considering how our communication had died out following the accident , i was happy very very happy even if it was 3.30 in the morning , to hear his voice all that time later was magical in it self , he kept talking and i remember i just cried , he kept laughing like bfore and i laughed but wid tears in my eyes ,,.. its the one moment i will never forget , my heart cried and tears rolled down my cheeks all the one hr that we talked , he talked , i cried and he didnt make out , yes for the whole one hr , i do not know how ,that was the first time i came to know .. this is how the heart cries ... for the next lotve days it became a routine , his phone call at arnd 3.30 ,4 in the mrning .. i wud wake up , sit in the window until early mrning hours and just hear him talk , he would talk to me abt everything .. abt every single thing that had hurt him , his dead mother , how he loved her and missed her , abt his childhood , his father who betrayed his family , abt pride and honesty , abt life and love , abt frndships , abt ppl , abt every single thing under the sun and i would just listen to him , abt his addiction , his smoking habits , abt how his life was gradually going towards a slow end at times i wudnt understand what he was saying cos his speech had slurred frm the accident , drugs , etc... it hurt me when he said .. never expect anything from me ,i will teach u everything u need to know before i leave .. and in so many ways he did teach me , at that time i didnt know he was preparing me for life ahead , we had a connection , he knew he had a responsibilty towards me , he knew we had not completed what we had began and we never would ..not in dis lifetime ,he knew this was something very special and i knew he was doing his best wid it .. the conversations were mostly one sided ,wid him telling me everything he knew abt life ,and wid me always knowing at the other end why he was doing dis .. he taught me everything he cud , he simply cudnt teach me how to forget him .. he was my best friend .. and i knew i was going to miss him for a very very long time.

Its been four years now and it does seem like in another lifetime .. but some ppl just change ur life .. i knew him two yrs of his whole 26 yrs life ,cutting off frm him was very hard , but he made it even tougher by telling me how much he treasured me and always wud wherever he was .. i do not know in which world u are right now , but Yuvie .. u were something .. truely something.. i will cherish what u gave me for the rest of my life .. ur laughter still rings loud in my ears and ur smile wid a child like grin makes me smile even today ..

...i do not know why i think of u tday ,mebbe cos ur gone and u have made me realize in so many ways how important relationships and people are while they r still arnd , how precious they are and how we don't give them enuf credit for being in our lives while they r still there , u made me realize that material things will end even bfore we know , what lasts is the care and compassion , love and affection ..and i hope i can live my life only making them my guidelines and nothing else at all ... it all evens out ..everything .. every single thing , in dis fast paced world where ppl think drugs , sex ,porn, alcohol and fun is going to get them thru their lives .. uve taught me the superficiality of it all .. and the real value of relationships , honesty and commitment .. i have no idea how will i repay u back for all of that but the least i can do is live up to it all ...


Little do we know that people who come into our lives might just one day become the fondest memories we have .. That they might end up giving us so mch more than we can ever imagine , that they need to be cherished while they r still there .. while they still live, breathe , smile right next to us .. cos when they go away .. the memories almost hurt .. and make us wonder ..is there anything we should have done differently ?

Thank you for touching my life the way u did .. in the purest manner ever ,Thank you .

Jaane woh kaunsa des ,jahan tum chale gaye ..

Will you ?

Just dont miss me when im gone
I know u will cos i know i will love u so
There will be so mch of memory
That i will leave u wid
I wonder what will u ever do
Knowing what u lost , while i was still there
U don value me while im still here
There will be tears , there will be pain
Just the kind I feel now
Just don miss me when im gone
Will you ?

Love

Something from FB that truely made sense ...

''..that there is no such thing as conditional love. Love is either unconditional or it's no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God.''

Beautiful aint it and pretty mch the definition of love that i have learnt , known and accepted after a lot of toil but keep forgetting over and over again , how amazing might that love be that has no expectations , conditions , reasons .. that is based purely on faith ,trust and honesty ... but ironically so the human nature always comes into picture ... know that the real beauty of love is only and only in it being unconditional... Can we get there ?

Alternate .. donno wat to feel .. i did deserve dis .. Lord be wid me

But the good part is .. i FINALLY said it ... and meant it ... its by far the sweetest moment :)

How I wish we could have a heart for any fate !

oh damn !

Oh damn !! I am officially at the lowest point in dis admission process

JATT'S D WAY .. !!

Yep .. abt time ... everything is scary .. deadlines are up ... fading more or less ... been worried lately .. sleepless nights , crazy sinking feeling , depressing moods a lotta time .. but enough ... dats it ... i'll find a way .. something or the other ... but im not going to let dis get to me .. no .. not dis time ... no , i refuse to be worried scared and afraid of whats going to happen , it looked like end of the road , but i am not going to treat it like that no matter what ... as Vashi Bhai says .. plan B , think outve the box , what wud He have done ? How wud He have responded , what solutions wud He have sort ?.. I am only going to think what He wud have done and not get depressed any more .. distract myself , make sure i do something more productive .. still trust ya word ... but i need to re group now and be more proactive .. only so i don freak ... !

Yep its time for JATT'S D WAY .. fearless !

Good blessings

How do we crack the code to ''life'' ? Why can we not be happy .. completely happy ever , why is there always something or the other like a sword hanging up our throats ready to slit us anytime..

Real happiness .. its hard .. u ask urself ..what is it that i want that will make me happy and even after u get it there is another thing that u want even bfore u begin to enjoy what u got .. i get so sick of dis human nature that has been ingrained in our system of always wanting more .. and not counting our good blessings .. Why can we not thank God for what we have and jus TRUST HIM into knowing whats best for us , why do we always think that we know whats best for us .. when we dont even know whats going to happen in our life in the next few hours .. why r we so zeroed in on our wants , desires and dreams ...

... i almost get furious with myself when im not able to be content with what i have ... real peace comes only and only when we know that what we have is what is best for us , what we will get will also be what is in our best interest , when we can trust THAT SOMEONE up there and give our lives completely in His hands and simply LET HIM WORK ..

How hard could be giving up on all our stresses..putting them in someone else's realm and trusting Him to just do it for us , all the ''i-will-be-happy-if-i-have-this'' attitude is not going to get us anywhere ,it only gets us closer to sleepless nights ,frustrations and more unhappiness ... why not get rid of that attitude and just know that higher power at play is going to make sure that we get our bit of dreams.

I jus so desperately wish and pray that I can get myself to trust blindly that what He is going to do wid my life is what is best for me in whichever way possible .. Amen :)

Why ... ??

Things I will always fail to understand :

1. Why ppl lie ?
2. Why ppl can't keep their word?
3. Why ppl hve the heart to hurt others?
4. Why are ppl dishonest?
5. Why ppl cheat and deceive?
6. Why can't friendships last forever?
7. Why does love end ?
8. Why is it only physical appearances that matter?
9. Why can't ppl learn to admit their mistakes ?
10.Why is it so hard to apologize?
11.Why is forgiving so hard ?
12.Why is it so difficult to trust ppl nowadays?
13.Why have we lost the innocence and naivity?
14.Why can't ppl be happy for what they have?
15.Why do we always want what we cant have?
16.Why don't we stick to our beliefs?
17.Why can't we trust our instincts as much as we should ?
18.Why do we always worry so much about our future?
19.Why can we not belive in our best buddy God as much as we should?
20.Why does our mind play games with us ?
21.Why do we give up?
22.Why don we follow our dreams anymore?
23.Why is love so painful sometimes?
24.Why don we smile more often?
25.Why do we have the answers sometimes and choose not to see them ?

A psychiatrist gunned down 13 ppl and wounded 30 , of course he didn't do this in his sanity .. but how depressed and angry cud someone be to be able to kill so many innocent ppl , my heart goes out to each one of them but it goes out more to the one who did this .. cos even tho he killed those ppl , he himself must have been in the most terrible mental state himself ... he wasnt a criminal ,he was a normal doctor doing his job but somewhere along the way things arnd him mustve gotten so extreme for him to react this way , of course there aint no excuse whatsoever for killing innocent ppl but at the same time .. is dis what anyone wants to do himself unless this becomes the only way of expressing his anger or rebelling ? if it takes him this to get his frustration out ... i cant even begin to imagine how he lived wid so mch of frustration in d 1st place ..

He is still alive and i wonder how is he going to live his life here on .. if he gets his sanity back he is going to regret what he did .. apart from the punishment etc he gets ... he always has the biggest punishment .. his own life !

HE IS THERE ...

There really seems no one free today to listen to my nightmare and calm me down , so im just gonna put it down here ... It was wierd , I was going for my UIC interview ,i missed my bus , got lost in the train , saw prajakta on the way and she told me the qs are tuf and she refused to tell me more than that , i got upset that she didnt tell me enuf when i told her every bit of my interview earlier ... i was scurrying everywhere to make it but everything was totally chaotic ... i cudnt find a cab , finally i found an auto , d driver was a weird looking man and a kid was also there, as he took me i saw around me broken burnt houses , demolished houses , ppl fighting , running and a lot of chaos .. i was scared , it seemed like some kinda riot or something ... it was 9.30 and i had to reach by 10 , i was sure i wasnt going to make it , knowing well that this cud be my last chance , i was yelling at the driver to speed up but he seemed to be taking me from the eeriest of places .. i found myself remembering nishi's number to call her , but i cudnt remember it correctly , i had lost my cell phone and was now using some old phone that had no numbers , then suddenly outve nowhere sme ppl appeared and started dragging me out frm the auto rickshaw , the driver pleaded to them to leave me alone ,,.. i was scared and the only thot in my mind was that what will happen of my interview ... suddenly i remembered Vashi Bhai ... i cudnt remember his no. but i cud hear him tell me that i will get admission into DDS , that was the only positive part in the night mare and i remember wondering to myself in the dream ... how am i going to get admission when i cant even make it to the interview .. and then i woke up .. shook up scared and worried and i called gaurav , he didnt pick the phone , he just called me to say that he is having a crazy day and will call me in the nite ...

I still feel shook up by.. but im trying to tell myself that in all the chaos i still heard Vashi Bhai tell me that i will get admission ... so i have to stop worrying ... that if all of those things were happening and He cud still tell me that i will make it ... then in real only very very few things hve gone wrong and i will most definitely make it , that He will make sure that i do ... Ive been touchy all day tday .. have been having this real sinking feeling inside of me ... and i hope it goes away .. cos i hate feeling this low .. that too cosve sme stupid dream ..

Honestly .. Its only God who comes thru .. in dis dream too .. I cud hear Vashi Bhai's voice soothing me ... and making me feel better , I wish we cud trust God more than we do , I wish we cud live fearlessly ,knowing that everything will be taken care of no matter what , that we are always protected , jus like a mother protects her child , so does He protect us always .. Oh God i really wish i cud be fearless so mch that nothing of dis sort shakes me up and that I can always know YOU are there .. I WANT TO BE FEARLESS