''When God puts u to it , He also puts u thru it ''

This is what Guarav emailed back to me , no i do not knw him .. not literally .. but thru human threads mebbe i do , he suffers frm Acute myeloid leukemia-AML , he has a family and loved ones who didnt wanna lose him , he found out abt his condition few mths back ... but fought it thru , not knowing wat end of road was going to be like , but believing that no matter what it was going to be like , he was going to fight it ... d costs for d transplant and figuring out donors , obviously none of it must be easy , i happened to follow all of it on his website , my contribution was only good wishes ... but i learnt .. even when u dont know if u will finish a winner , u still have to run the race .. cos the running is winning enuf ... cos life will keep u guessing .. there will be hurdles , a million of those ... but dont give up .. cos u don lose when u lose , u lose when u give up ...

He still has to undergo the transplant which will be later this month .. but .. he has already won.

Ok , so dis totally sucks , i hve two more weeks for d exam , its closing in on me , and in all honesty , i feel so lost , i manage to get an 86 in my mock tests , i make all possible silly mistakes , my head feels like a dumping ground , there is too mch in it ,, im trying to articulate everything ,.. d processor is going to crash , d disc space is less and too mch data .. damn ! wtf am i going to do ?? oh pls ... something ,, think think think .. cos dis is it ... i cant freak , i need all d data intact ... wats my back up /.? phew im jus blabbering haywire stuff ... oh yeah i am .. wat do i do ... im freaking , stressing , apprehension anxiety , all in one ... GOD ... u there ... pls ,.. see me thru ... technically speaking ive done my studies , ive done my prayers .. so i shud be good ... but wat abt d fear ... oh u fear not .. go give d damn thing and get done wid it , its been 5-6 mths and its driven me insane ... i jus wanna finish it now and nvr wanna see these board books again ... pls God u listening nah ... i will not have d inclination or motivation to do any of it again ...

so wats my plan B then ? no clue .... dahh , how many times hve i tol myself to alwiz hve a plan B in life ... i hve none ... dis is do or die ... aww .. mre stress ... mre anxiety ... bull ... pls ... stop .. go .. leave ... don come bck here till june 2 !

NBDE-I

Exactly a month and a half... NBDE I .. wat i always wanted to do ,.. so im so close to finally appearing for it , am i prepared .. ? i dont know , i am not even sure i will feel totally prepared on d day of d exam , there jus seems so mch to learn , and know , understand , well yes its just basic sciences and II wud be more .. leaving dat aside .. i am not stressed , in a way happy , there came a point when i thot i wud never be able to give dis exam and it looked like a distant dream , but now i feel im inching closer to d dream , and it feels gud ... i am wrking hard , have been in d past 4 mths or so , there hve been days when im frustrated abt still studying and feel that im not goin to make it , there r occassional times of self doubt ,but who duznt hve those moments ... there hve been times when i felt im not doing enuf justice to my studies and mebbe havnt been either .. when i feel low , depressed and totally beaten up , and sick to d core for having to study while ppl my age are doing diff things ,.. but .. its NBDE I ... wat i wanted to do ever since i graduated outve collg ...

I pray really hard tday for d lords up there to listen to me dis once ....

Its all good :)

An old phrase -- happiness is our own state of mind , how many times have i not heard it or read it , and mulled over it and still , still failed to un derstand that happiness is nothing but our own state of mind , a dear old frnd of mine once said to me that it all begins and ends in the mind , and all so true aint it ... it really duz , we mould our own lives , our own sorrows and our joys , its us and noone else who is responsible for the kind of lives we have , there are prolly n no. of books written on the power of d mind , how to use it as the best tool and how not to let it ruin us , nope im not going to put down any hi fundas , cos i donno any hi fundas in d 1st place , but dis is what i do know .. we ruin ourselves by our own thought process , and if somehow we could learn to make that thought process as positive as ever , it would bloom into happiness , instead of seeing situations as hurdles and cursing fate and life and all that , wouldnt it be a better idea to see situations as d best ways in which life cud be at that time ? understanding at every point that a higher authority is a fine player and the best director ever and He does have a master plan and that master plan is all in our favor , whatever we r in.. is what is going to lead us to that favorable master plan , there is jus no bad ... bad is d word we shud eliminate from our dictionaries , cos when every thing is actually leading us to what has been destined for us , then how can any of it be bad ?

well yes , ask me ... how do u explain ppl who have fatal diseases ,ppl losing loved ones , infidelity ,broken marriages, poverty and all that suffering we see on a daily basis ... is that also His master plan ... yes , for that person in that situation it so is ... cos its there to lead them to higher state of awareness ... i know dis for a certainity ... cos i don belive anymore that this is where it all ends , i belive i am a traveller , who has had a long stopover on planet earth , and the journey is still very long .. what i gain from here is what is goin to help in my journey ...dis life is jus a small part of it ...

...smell d coffee , taste the chocolate .. no matter how it looks .. its all good :)

Equations .. is it ?

Love .. really ? its an equation , not love anymore , its convenience and getting the equation right, wid all d nos correct ... reminds me of d balanced equation in chemistry where we wud rack our brains to get it right , using several nos , changing them on d reactants or d products side till it balanced .. thats what its abt now .. its a mix of money ,profession,power, looks , d right last name, more material stuff and what not , these features balance d equation and till u don get them right ... u don find love , it no longer has anything to do wid feelings , emotions , connection&bonding,joy and happiness and all that we talked of in our teens ... oh yes .. dis is what d adult ''love'' world is about .. we thought it was abt being unconditional , ironically now it seems --d only thing that makes it work is compliance to conditions ,so what do ppl who still wanna find love do ? there seem jus a handful for whom its not an equation and what r d chances that they will find each other ? .. the answer .. i don't know ... i was never gud at chemistry equations anyways ;)

Victory over life

Im compelled to write this ..every day when i open the page of Jade Goody's cancer update ... i look at her picture , the ones after chemotherapy ,.. and it amazes me .. how beautiful she looked ...for a person who was dying , lost all hair to chemo .. she looked like an angel in all her pics .. like an innocent little child ..struggling and fighting .. but with no remorse on her face , wid a kinda peace , and full of hope ... yes hope .. dying but peacefully and wid zest , i asked my mom yday .. so wats d big deal , why so many tributes , a lotta ppl die of cervical cancer ... but i think i got my answer ... all these pictures of hers ... that look on her face of immense victory over life ... losing but yet winning ... in spirit and in the mind ... she won in spirit and that showed on her face , in all those pictures , and probably that why she tuched so many ppls hearts .. d reason behind all those tributes ... someone won inspite of losing...

Super daddy is waiting ...Ru ready ?

We can want all we want , but do we really deserve what we want .. often times i wonder , how is it that we dont always get what we want , when we pray for it and wish for it so mch , aint God supposed to be d super daddy who will always get us d gifts we asked for .. I am beginning to realize that the gift that we ask for is already packed for us , gift wrapped with beautiful ribbons , and with our names on it .. so why is it taking so mch time for those gifts to be delivered to us ? cos we r not ready yet or in other words we dont yet deserve them .. I read this in one of Cyrus' articles once that our prayer is heard when we make them , the delay is only cosve us .. we need to deserve our blessings ... and that .. is surely something that is left to us , God is ready to give us all we want , all He wants is for us to be ready too ... that is d circuit breaker ... us ... its upto us how soon we want what we want , we can wait another lifetime ... or , we can wake up right now .. work twards deserving what we asked for .. its all abt us ... take d responsibilty .. deserve it .. now !

I Believe ...

-- Nobody is responsible for ur happiness but u , similarly don let anyone be responsible for ur sorrow .. let them go
--Learn to forget , and forgive
--Respect and love urself
--Noone can hurt u unless u give them that right .. dont give anybody that right
--Feel beautiful
--Stop looking for happiness everywhere , its right there .. in ur own heart ..
--Magic happens !
--Be selfish when it comes to happiness , grab it all d time
--Nothing is forever , and everything can be replaced except for one thing .. real love , when u find it ..keep it
--Optimism and positive attitude will take you a long way..
--Life is a journey , its not a destination .. enjoy d trip wid all d bumps .. thats what its all abt
--Someone up there rules , ur wishes will be granted , all u need to do is be obedient
--Patience rocks , as mch as it sucks to be patient , but thats d key
--Be good , no matter what
--Miracles will happen..
--Never cease to dream
--Bitterness will take d sweetness out of you , avoid it
--Life is beautiful ... hate it but it still is
--Family will always stick to you , don let them go
--Friendsip, love and laughter ... yes it still exists
--The one that hold ur hand is bigger than ur biggest misfortune ,and can deal wid anything under d sun for u , but He wants u to before He steps in ..
--Never GIVE UP .. unless its in front of HIM ... He is d best buddy u can have
--Life rocks !!

LIFE IS WORKING .. RU LISTENING ?

Life --amazes me , its the best journey ever , the best teacher ever , it sobers u up , makes u live and die and live again ... gives u all it can and yet at times takes it all away from you ... you have to be a sucker at happiness to live it up and be one of those who can face challenges day in and day out to really get thru wid .. and yeah challenges but wid d widest smile ever .. you start it thinking it to all go how u wrked it out in ur head , and then along it comes ... if u cant change , it wil make sure u do , good bad .. whaetevr it will make sure like a strict teacher that u learn ur lessons ... so don be stubborn , get it right d first time or its goin to keep coming bck at u wid d same stuff over and over again ... d change is wat life is abt ... changing u .. making u better .. better and better each time ... it will draw out all d crap from you and burn it off .. all u need to do is breathe thru d heat .. and d end result will be a more compliant , obedient , resilient YOU .. and thats exactly what it wants ...as much as this whole thing sounds like an ordeal , its NOT .. its all about YOU .. and making YOU better ... thru all that hurt u and brought u grief ... its all for YOUR good , if u get d bigger picture right ... it will be plain happiness all along !

I give up

I walked with hope always

With a smile all d way ..

No matter what storms ..

No matter how hard..

I fell and I rose ..I always walked ..

I always believed ...

The sun will shine and so will d stars ..

In d gloom of the nights and in d light of d days

In all d springs, in d autumns ..

Stuck like glue .. to YOU

I always believed ...

It crumbles , and shakes me up ..

Waiting for YOU to step in and pick me up ..

Mend it ..

Leaving it all to YOU

Hands up , head down

I GIVE UP

Celebrate Life ...

Just happened to read about Jade Goody's deteriorating condition ,down wid cervical cancer , and waiting to die , it describes how she is just flooding herself in tears cos its end of the road for her .. how must that feel ? even the thought of that gives me goose skin ... and makes me realize , life is sucha gift , every single day ... how much do we appreciate it ? With all the challenges day in and day out , and all thats stillnot right , and all that ,that is going wrong .. we still have life ... and time to mend the wrong , make good of all the bad ... its not perfect ofcourse but we can still dish out a good one from what we have ... cos we have it .. life ... all d trials and tribulations , r they really that mch bother , in front of d bigger picture , in front of what we have .. a healthy life .. a good life ... not so often as happy as it cud , but then again isnt happiness just our own state of mind ?

cheers to life ...and celebrations all d way .... :)

confused , lost and what not :(

I feel like d kid from 'taare zameen par' today .. ishaan .. and literally ... lost , confused and what not !

I jus realized that my GPA fell cosve Pedo , and i feel rotten cosve that , Pedo was one bad bad day in my life , and it looks like its going to follow me here too .. sigh ... tho ortho made up for it and i nvr felt that bad .. but nw that my GPA goes low cosve it ... really really awwwwwwwww ... blame d rotten mosquito that bit me and caused malaria ... phew .. makes d whole thing all d mre tuf .. God bless me ... please :)

Still losing ...

Yet another heart wrenching story of a 19 yr old dying cosve ragging , d so called custom in medical colleges all across India , an attempt at ''knowing your seniors'' Ridiculous and cruel ... future doctors ?? If u may ... getting drunk and literally beating the pulp out of someone .. what on earth is wrong wid people , when compassion and good sense is expected out of these 'so called future doctors ... how duz one explain dis ? It is not only infuriating but it dawns on me a kinda sorrow for d parents of d 19 yr old who were happy tht their son wud be a doctor in a few yrs ... how do ppl who carry out sch brutal senseless emotionless gruesome acts continue to face themselves everyday ? How do these guys who themselves jus mebbe a yr or two older to dis boy continue to live on and face life .. are they not faced by demons of guilt and conscience or are we stepping into a world when these demons cease to exist and have converted human beings into some kinda odd machines to whom only fun at any cost is important even if the cost is as high as a human life ... ?

This , I would say is as tragic as it gets ...

karmic connection

Ever felt like humming ..

Tera mujhse hain pehle ka nata koi..
yoon hi nahin dil lubhata koi..
jaane tu ya jaane naa..
maane tu ya maane naa..

Ever felt a karmic connection wid anyone ? Cud be anyone .. a frnd , a family member or a person who u came across and then ur paths diverted .. but ... that connection stayed .. something that makes u feel connected .. at a level u cant understand .. d bond is so strong .. nothing matters , its just there .. i knw its crazy .. and im not talking necessarily abt love .. karmic connection is from a past life time , at d level of ur soul that is beyond ur own understanding ..unfinished business ...might hurt and u wudnt know why , might bring joy.. plentiful ... it exists ..and i think its wonderful to have that kinda karmic connection wid someone , cos no matter how distant u are from that person u always feel a kinda closeness , and it duznt matter whether or not that person is part of ur life in dis lifetime or not .. u still wish for that person's wellbeing , still whisper their name in ur prayers .. its crazy i knw .. but .. its beautiful at d same time .. mch has been written abt it i knw ... ... its a blessing ... at some point in my life i didnt understand it .. too many questions .. now i do ... finally .. closure.. :)

Magic happens .....

magic happens ? does it ... seems like a magical morning .. did magic happen ?

Read this somewhere tday and it made sense ...

''The people and situations that enter your life sometimes are literally being "used" by the Universe to teach YOU a lesson.'' ... wow !!

And these situations and people will keep coming till we learn those lessons ... lol ... so be a quick learner ..cos the universe seems to be a strict teacher !!!

Mumbai meri jaan ....

Rab ne bana dee jodi , Bigg boss 2 , Indian Idol 4 .. IDEA ad.. and so much more ... these r d last things that were on when i left India , is it that my relation with her,will almost fade out and stay connected only till these ? I wonder to myself , what is it that will bind me still .. how will i stay connected ... IPL , cricket , elections , aajtak , MTV roadies ... ive left all of it there .. and i feel dis desperate need to stay in tuch wid things there .. d same way as i was earlier ... but i guess it was only dat mch , its CNN , kobe bryant, Mc nabb ,American idol now ...

I wont knw mch of India now ... and somehow ... that duznt feel good .. i miss mumbai ... every single thing about it , d traffic , d people , d pollution ... rains , work ,the crazy gujju patients , bandstand , powai lake , galleria, IIT .. everything .. nothing in dis whole world will ever match up to any of it , well yeah i was alone there and i hve family here , but for five long yrs , d city never let me feel lonely , in its own way , Mumbai was family ... it was home , Mumbai will always be home ... It taught me to live fearlessly and from the heart .. inculcated in me d famous spirit of Mumbai ... gave me d kinda compassion noone cud ...

The auto walas who wud go out of d way to help me find way when i was lost , d watchman who wud make sure i find a parking spot, d ppl who wud help me park my car in parallel parks , d nutty bhaiya who wud definitely get milk n bread , all i needed to do was call ... d bus conductor who wud make sure i get a seat when i used d bus ... the bhakti guys .. who wud home deliver d smallest things possible at any time ,night or day .. even in heavy rains ... the locksmith who wud make keys for me every now and then at any time i lost my keys ..

Ever helpful people , caring and kind .. how many of them actually knew me ... probably none ... but d spirit of d city was such .. u didnt need to knw them ... they wud be there at an arms lenght ... d city amazes me ... all i can say is THANK YOU !

Domani's dawn

My best friend finally found his Miss Right , and uh oh broke d contract wid me .. that apart , i am overjoyed , the last time i was this happy was when mumtaz gave birth to baby kabir .. good things r happening to two of my fave people ..and also shashank , he is goin to be part of balaji soon .. i cudnt be happier ...

Going down d memory lane , cant stop thinking of the no. of time preshit cribbed to me how hard it was to find someone , how confused he was about what he was looking for , how he thought he would never ever find anyone , it was jus a mth bck when he was saying he is going to die like dis .. i cant stop smiling today ... cos i remember telling him to have patience and wait jus a little bit more .. i am so happy that i was right ... and all d long sessions speaking sense into his stupid head have paid off .. yayy !

Life sometimes or rather a lotta times looks impossible .. and when it is that way we feel that its always going to be like that , but there is dis very regenarative quality that life has , that no matter how hard it looks if u knw its going to bounce back .. it is .. and the best part is even if u dont knw , it still is ... we limit ourselves to what we know , the fact is .. we know nothing , but we r programmed to belive otherwise and that is precisely the reason why we struggle , wid ourselves , wid life ... be there or be square cos life is a circle ... and if u cant trust it enuf ... thats ur loss ...

I smile for both of my fave friends tday , sitting by dis laptop i go back 3 yrs ... when i broke off and everything fell apart .. yes it still moistens my eyes .. and something deep down crumbles wid pain .. its a pain i never knew existed that i was exposed to ... its something else ... it hurts and then it fills me up wid a lotta strength and a lotta courage .. solid belief in myself , in life .. yes .. thats what pain can do to u , it can kill u and then build a fortress arnd u and protect u forever ... save u ... my friends came through for me during those trying times .. mumtaz preshit shashank .. and all others .. i cud never thank them enuf .. pillars of support when all else failed me ... i am still resurrecting ... still building up my faith in life ,in love and people ... there were times when bitterness set in .. thats when life wud step in make me belive that everything is still beautiful if i can trust it enuf .. its still rocky .. i still wonder why .. d naivity is lost somewhere ... but i have learnt ... to be patient ,to believe .. to breathe thru d fire .. to face life right in d eye ... to hurt beyond comprehension and still survive .. and i have learnt that if u want to survive u will be helped ...there r angels up there ...

I still do believe in love and in God .. He knows what He is doing .. bas ... thats enuf

I still wait upon my Domani's Dawn ...

back to books !

And whatever made me think this was going to be easy , its one ordeal ,,.and i silently wish i sleep thru d nex few mths and wake up afr d boards are over . oh yeah ... only if ... 2001 was d last time i studied seriously , life was one big party after that .. work , friends , movies ,masti ,magic .. whoever knew coming to US wud have a flipside .. uh oh .. EXAMZ ! duh ... DUH ... did know that , but didnt knw .. back to books .. wud become a syndrome ... that im suffering from these days ...

1.I can snooze off any time of d day
2.Right when i need to concentrate i remember i need to call so many ppl
3.Suddenly CNN and TIMESOFINDIA have d most amazing news to watch
4.Looking out of the window and staring into nothing was never so mch fun
5.I love long showers
6.I can spend amazing amount of time playing wid gobhi !
7.Need to update FB all so often
8.Blogging .. nvr loved it more !!
9.I need to chek my email every few mins .. (as if God-knows-who is goin to write ..dahh )
11. I take d longest time ever to finish dinner!!
10.blah blah and more blah blah

If i cud concentrate a bit more ... wud be a boon !!



ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz fullly ures !!!!!

Silence

I know not , what prayer to say
I know not , what wish to ask
I know not , what dream to see
For Thy is silent in all I pray

I wait with patience and obedience
I seek Thy , knowing Thy abundance
At times I fear ,Thy give me strength
For trials are long ,and tired I am

I know there is light.. Thy is light
Upon Thy I wait ..patiently
I know just this
My patience must outlast Thy trials

In the silence I learn to hear Thy

Lord ..
Gimme d strength
To hear Thy ,
Accept Thy will
And Thy silence too.