FREEDOM

So this is what august 15th can do to you , or rather the spirit of freedom , i went to bed at 3 last nite feeling really rotten and woke up this mrning to august 15th .. independence day ... feeling totally rejuvenated ... and happy , free... from last nite and last few yrs ...

I want to choose happiness , i do not care what anyone thinks or what anyone says .. i know i am going to find my peace , my dream .. everything i ever wished for ... i free myself of all the burden that weighed upon me in the past 24 hrs ... happy 62nd I DAY !

u know ...

u know what u had
u know what u lost
u know it wasnt ures
u know it never will be
u know it was all u want
u know it was destiny
u know u fought
u know it killed you
u know u tried
u know its over
FOREVER

my dream

A cloud of darkness surrounds me ,
I can't see the way ,
I am losing my dream
I dont want to wake up
But the thunders jus dont stop
I am scared ..all i had was my dream

Hold on , dont leave
Oh my lovely dream
I cant hear my voice
My heart says adios
The cloud wont go ,the darkness stays
I am losing myself
I am scared ..all i had was my dream

I scream , I shout
Dont take my dream ..its all i have
I run , i try , i want it back
My dream is all i had

I am scared

Why me ~~

I just happened to be talking to someone tday , and happened to also hit upon a qs .. is there anything in life i wouldv'e done differently ? In split moments i lived my life all over again , a quick flashback ... so was there anything i wouldv'e done differently , anything at all ? and thankfully the answer was ''no'' except mebbe for one small thing .. but other than that nothing .

I find myself at a place today where there is not a thing about myself that id like to change .. or mebbe just one , that apart , i think ive come a long long way .. when stuff happened so many yrs back and i wondered to myself a million times ''why me'' ,i think i can answer that today .. this is why .. me .. so i cud find myself , be this ... a sucker for life and happiness , confident and patient , obedient and resilient , fearless and powerful in every sense of the word ... no i was none of this five yrs back ... i still hve a lotve wrk to do .. still a lotta growing up .. one thing to be exact that i still need to work on ... apart from that i knw tday ..why all d pain , all d losses , all d crap ... for dis moment right now .. when there is not a thing i wanna change ... no not even losing ppl ,not even d unrequited love , not even the broken heart ... nothing ... it all has evened out in d rich light of memory .. and whats left is a more resilient me

I take a deep breath and wish upon the stars ... to make me wiser each day .. AMEN.

I AM STILL ALIVE

i wonder this a lot .. what is it that keeps us going ... ? why do we still believe in our dreams .. where duz this crazy amount of hope keep coming back from ? why dont the setbacks jus make us realize once and for all that its never going to wrk out ? why do we still keep pushing .. why do we have dis amazing amount of resilience .. i feel like a phoenix sometimes .. rising from the ashes .. again and again .. but how many times ?

its one of those days , when i want to stop believing , give in to destiny and forget it all for good !
its one of those days , when i want to stop trying ..

and there is something inside me ... i dunno wat that voice is or where it comes from ... it jus tells me to never give up .. and never means NEVER .. no matter what happens ... it says ... dont stop trying .. i feel split into two parts ..one telling me to jus give up ,get d so called ''message'' and another telling me ... that its not in my character to give up ..

u don die when ur lowered down to d ground , u die when u stop dreaming .. so how many times before ur dream is broken,killed, smashed .. do u stop dreaming ? i guess u keep dreaming till it becomes a reality .... no matter how many times its shattered into pieces ... u keep going for it till the one time dat it wont ...

do i knw where dis hope comes back to me again .. nopes .. no clue ... but till i have this lil voice inside of me I AM STILL ALIVE

live again

If life is from this moment onwards , and the past is nothing but a memory then why do we carry all this baggage ..of pain , bitterness , hatred , loneliness , tears ? Why cant moving on be in the literal sense of the word ? We keep repeating to ourselves that we want to be happy and thats all that we want in life , how can one be happy when they always remember the stuff that made them sad , of course forgetting isn't always a choice , but is repeating it to ourselves and to others arnd us going to help ? If i want a really happy tomorrow , is choosing to remember only happy moments from yday going to help or is carrying all the bitterness is ? Does it sound like escapism ? well maybe .. but if u can take a long haul and never look back at the past that almost killed u only cos u want to live today then escapism is good too , anything that will help u do away wid bad memories is good ..

And how does one start with it? I already have ... by finding myself .. the one dat was lost in all d chaos called life .. yes we do lose parts of us as we live thru our lives .. we stop connecting wid ourselves and in d process forget who we really were .. what really affects us , what makes us ''us'' .. our core will always be there no matter what deposits over it , its only a matter of taking it off , and revealing that core to our own selves , ever felt that need to jus let go off all the guards ,being fearless all over again , not letting d past cloud ur judgement , or not letting it affect any bit of ur future , not being scared of being naive again , jus feeling ,living and breathing again .. all those demons that killed u , and took away a part of u , ever felt like telling them to leave .. i feel dat way ...

I want to live again .

its been so long since i wrote a real post , if u know what i mean ... i finished with my exam , wid all d head breaking i managed to cross the danger mark of 85 ... rest is all wat they call history ..

its been crazy , past few months .. i new country , an exam , results .. new friends , etc etc .. what i know is .. its just the beginning .. the start of a new life .. all old is over .. all of it i mean, but its part of memories not so distant, I am surprised how even the smallest thing becomes memories , how soon does stuff turn around and becomes a part of d past .. only to cherish ,learn from and move on.. thats the magnanimity of us humans and must say life too .. that all of it , good or bad .. someday or d other goes down in the books of memories ..as i go thru my life everyday and look at whats happening arnd me right now , i tell myself .. in a few days this too shall become a memory .. widout sounding like a yash chopra film .. as mch as we shd live for the present .. we shud also know .. that its going to be just a passing phase ... ironical eh ? Aint that what life is about irony and more of it ?

There is always going to be a tomorrow still to come , a yesterday thats gone , and a present that is right here ... all three of them are so different from each other yet so intertwined .. i havent known anything thats so bonded to each other and yet so so apart .. and thats what i ponder on sometimes ... more irony ;)

Saw the jackson memorial tday .. I always thought him to be a strange man , but iconic .. the memorial was amazing .. the biggest names from mariah carey to usher etc paid tributes .. he seemed to have earned it and how .. he did pay a huge price . We will never know how far the criminal stuff against him was true ... inspite of all of it millions still love him .. why ? the strangeness , the weird life style , all the child molestation things abt him .. so what made him still tick ? I guess it was the ''goodness'' that connected with people , that made them overlook all of that .

The only one thing that i felt was real in the entire memorial was the tribute by his daughter Paris .. the rest mebbe ... but i am sure if something reached Michael wherever he is now , it was that two line tribute.

I need YOU 400 times today :)

Ahan .. so d day of reckoning is here .. tomm mrning 8.30 am ... i take a deep breath , i am calm and relaxed to my own surprise .. thats all i need to be .. i hve to tell myself a few times a day .. that to do well i need to keep my mind really stable .. its not tuf ,if i can concentrate enuf and get it all together tomm , will my head finally support me , or also , will luck be on my side in getting a good set of qs .. d truth is ..i hve been driven crazy , i hve fought dis big gap in studies ..which has been a huge detriment ,in conc ,memory , etc etc .. d last exam i gave was exactly 7 yrs back ,getting back to studies afr sucha long period was nvr going to be easy .. so here i am .. testing myself ,my fate , my decisions.. i dont knw wat happens tomm , at dis point , i still feel i can do more , study more , but its never enuf is it ? its d human body and there is always so mch more to learn to know , its like dis huge vast sea , and u cant devour it all , at some point u hve to stop and say lets do it .. ive come to dat point ...

.. i havent even ever prayed as mch as i have dis time , cos coming to US was d biggest decision i took in my life .. and i need God to be wid me at every step of my way here ... I have left a lot behind .. tomm is d 1st step towards d rest of my new life .. and i knw it is in d right direction .. its hard .. but then thats exactly wat makes it so right .. d best things that we do for ourselves , sometimes are also d tufest to do .... cya tomorrow!

Buried forever

Thru the clouds i saw
Beautiful and clear .. d beauty of d day
Around in my heart , all day it lay
Pleasure peace and happiness
Deep from the heart .. yes u may ...

I hurt and i wept , i cried and i pined..
Happiness and glory and strings of joy
Tears and laughter ,and pleasures of the rain
As it fell on me , i realized it wasnt really pain
No it wasnt , it was a peace in d pain

Peace in d pain ..yes u may
Around in my heart all day it lay ..
Carrying it wid a smile ,i did ..
Tears in my eyes and smile on my face
Pain in the heart , and happiness again ..

Hurt and tears and happiness and joy
All intertwined one in d other ..ahoy
No more hoping ,no wishes on a star
No more dreams ,no genie in a jar..
Buried forever

How often do we respect the choices that we make ? and if we don't , then why do we make those choices anyway ? Isnt it time to ask ourselves to be more responsible and answerable to our ownselves ?

Alvida .. I let u go ..

...how often do u come across someone u can care for , pray for , and be in love with , even when they do not love u back ..

.. love has only one definition ... do not expect ever , and if u can still love ,getting nothing at all back ... that's love .. and it has its own contentment ... it duz pierce u thru and thru a lotta times ... but its a beautiful feeling .. a mix of love and pain .. both competing wid each other at being more intense than the other .. guess which one wins ..im still figuring out .. duz it hurt more , or is there more love .. donno ... at some level they become part of each other and u cant make out which is which .....

I dont know what bound me to u , but whatever it was .. was very strong, i have never known anything or anyone have that effect on me .. i know u know .. i know u always knew .. even in the unsaid stuff .. i know u will always know .. i dont know how something so strong cudnt find its way .. it simply wasnt meant to be .. as we move on wid other ppl .. i will always know deep down .. what true love felt like .. loving you was a blessing .. u belong to someone else and so do i .. but those feelings were sacred and i will always respect and cherish them .. i always say that chapter is closed .. in all honesty .. i still feel u and i can never be finished cos it comes from another lifetime .. and it will finish only in another .. as for now ..

I let u go .. alvida ..

''When God puts u to it , He also puts u thru it ''

This is what Guarav emailed back to me , no i do not knw him .. not literally .. but thru human threads mebbe i do , he suffers frm Acute myeloid leukemia-AML , he has a family and loved ones who didnt wanna lose him , he found out abt his condition few mths back ... but fought it thru , not knowing wat end of road was going to be like , but believing that no matter what it was going to be like , he was going to fight it ... d costs for d transplant and figuring out donors , obviously none of it must be easy , i happened to follow all of it on his website , my contribution was only good wishes ... but i learnt .. even when u dont know if u will finish a winner , u still have to run the race .. cos the running is winning enuf ... cos life will keep u guessing .. there will be hurdles , a million of those ... but dont give up .. cos u don lose when u lose , u lose when u give up ...

He still has to undergo the transplant which will be later this month .. but .. he has already won.

Ok , so dis totally sucks , i hve two more weeks for d exam , its closing in on me , and in all honesty , i feel so lost , i manage to get an 86 in my mock tests , i make all possible silly mistakes , my head feels like a dumping ground , there is too mch in it ,, im trying to articulate everything ,.. d processor is going to crash , d disc space is less and too mch data .. damn ! wtf am i going to do ?? oh pls ... something ,, think think think .. cos dis is it ... i cant freak , i need all d data intact ... wats my back up /.? phew im jus blabbering haywire stuff ... oh yeah i am .. wat do i do ... im freaking , stressing , apprehension anxiety , all in one ... GOD ... u there ... pls ,.. see me thru ... technically speaking ive done my studies , ive done my prayers .. so i shud be good ... but wat abt d fear ... oh u fear not .. go give d damn thing and get done wid it , its been 5-6 mths and its driven me insane ... i jus wanna finish it now and nvr wanna see these board books again ... pls God u listening nah ... i will not have d inclination or motivation to do any of it again ...

so wats my plan B then ? no clue .... dahh , how many times hve i tol myself to alwiz hve a plan B in life ... i hve none ... dis is do or die ... aww .. mre stress ... mre anxiety ... bull ... pls ... stop .. go .. leave ... don come bck here till june 2 !

NBDE-I

Exactly a month and a half... NBDE I .. wat i always wanted to do ,.. so im so close to finally appearing for it , am i prepared .. ? i dont know , i am not even sure i will feel totally prepared on d day of d exam , there jus seems so mch to learn , and know , understand , well yes its just basic sciences and II wud be more .. leaving dat aside .. i am not stressed , in a way happy , there came a point when i thot i wud never be able to give dis exam and it looked like a distant dream , but now i feel im inching closer to d dream , and it feels gud ... i am wrking hard , have been in d past 4 mths or so , there hve been days when im frustrated abt still studying and feel that im not goin to make it , there r occassional times of self doubt ,but who duznt hve those moments ... there hve been times when i felt im not doing enuf justice to my studies and mebbe havnt been either .. when i feel low , depressed and totally beaten up , and sick to d core for having to study while ppl my age are doing diff things ,.. but .. its NBDE I ... wat i wanted to do ever since i graduated outve collg ...

I pray really hard tday for d lords up there to listen to me dis once ....

Its all good :)

An old phrase -- happiness is our own state of mind , how many times have i not heard it or read it , and mulled over it and still , still failed to un derstand that happiness is nothing but our own state of mind , a dear old frnd of mine once said to me that it all begins and ends in the mind , and all so true aint it ... it really duz , we mould our own lives , our own sorrows and our joys , its us and noone else who is responsible for the kind of lives we have , there are prolly n no. of books written on the power of d mind , how to use it as the best tool and how not to let it ruin us , nope im not going to put down any hi fundas , cos i donno any hi fundas in d 1st place , but dis is what i do know .. we ruin ourselves by our own thought process , and if somehow we could learn to make that thought process as positive as ever , it would bloom into happiness , instead of seeing situations as hurdles and cursing fate and life and all that , wouldnt it be a better idea to see situations as d best ways in which life cud be at that time ? understanding at every point that a higher authority is a fine player and the best director ever and He does have a master plan and that master plan is all in our favor , whatever we r in.. is what is going to lead us to that favorable master plan , there is jus no bad ... bad is d word we shud eliminate from our dictionaries , cos when every thing is actually leading us to what has been destined for us , then how can any of it be bad ?

well yes , ask me ... how do u explain ppl who have fatal diseases ,ppl losing loved ones , infidelity ,broken marriages, poverty and all that suffering we see on a daily basis ... is that also His master plan ... yes , for that person in that situation it so is ... cos its there to lead them to higher state of awareness ... i know dis for a certainity ... cos i don belive anymore that this is where it all ends , i belive i am a traveller , who has had a long stopover on planet earth , and the journey is still very long .. what i gain from here is what is goin to help in my journey ...dis life is jus a small part of it ...

...smell d coffee , taste the chocolate .. no matter how it looks .. its all good :)

Equations .. is it ?

Love .. really ? its an equation , not love anymore , its convenience and getting the equation right, wid all d nos correct ... reminds me of d balanced equation in chemistry where we wud rack our brains to get it right , using several nos , changing them on d reactants or d products side till it balanced .. thats what its abt now .. its a mix of money ,profession,power, looks , d right last name, more material stuff and what not , these features balance d equation and till u don get them right ... u don find love , it no longer has anything to do wid feelings , emotions , connection&bonding,joy and happiness and all that we talked of in our teens ... oh yes .. dis is what d adult ''love'' world is about .. we thought it was abt being unconditional , ironically now it seems --d only thing that makes it work is compliance to conditions ,so what do ppl who still wanna find love do ? there seem jus a handful for whom its not an equation and what r d chances that they will find each other ? .. the answer .. i don't know ... i was never gud at chemistry equations anyways ;)

Victory over life

Im compelled to write this ..every day when i open the page of Jade Goody's cancer update ... i look at her picture , the ones after chemotherapy ,.. and it amazes me .. how beautiful she looked ...for a person who was dying , lost all hair to chemo .. she looked like an angel in all her pics .. like an innocent little child ..struggling and fighting .. but with no remorse on her face , wid a kinda peace , and full of hope ... yes hope .. dying but peacefully and wid zest , i asked my mom yday .. so wats d big deal , why so many tributes , a lotta ppl die of cervical cancer ... but i think i got my answer ... all these pictures of hers ... that look on her face of immense victory over life ... losing but yet winning ... in spirit and in the mind ... she won in spirit and that showed on her face , in all those pictures , and probably that why she tuched so many ppls hearts .. d reason behind all those tributes ... someone won inspite of losing...

Super daddy is waiting ...Ru ready ?

We can want all we want , but do we really deserve what we want .. often times i wonder , how is it that we dont always get what we want , when we pray for it and wish for it so mch , aint God supposed to be d super daddy who will always get us d gifts we asked for .. I am beginning to realize that the gift that we ask for is already packed for us , gift wrapped with beautiful ribbons , and with our names on it .. so why is it taking so mch time for those gifts to be delivered to us ? cos we r not ready yet or in other words we dont yet deserve them .. I read this in one of Cyrus' articles once that our prayer is heard when we make them , the delay is only cosve us .. we need to deserve our blessings ... and that .. is surely something that is left to us , God is ready to give us all we want , all He wants is for us to be ready too ... that is d circuit breaker ... us ... its upto us how soon we want what we want , we can wait another lifetime ... or , we can wake up right now .. work twards deserving what we asked for .. its all abt us ... take d responsibilty .. deserve it .. now !