Dear Friend..

Dear Friend Yuvie,

It's been four years ,since I lost you , for some reason i miss you today .. i do not know in which world you are but wherever u are i pray that u r safe , loved and cared for cos thats exactly what u deserve.You were the kindest soul I ever came across , your heart and your laughter was that like a child's ..pure and simply beautiful.

Its strange that we do not cherish the people while they are still there and miss them only when they are gone , that we end up only seeing what we dislike in people when they are around us rather than adore them for what we like in them .I remember the last phone call , yes none of us knew it was going to be the last phone call , but mebbe some subconscious part of u did .. i will always remember what u said to me , u surprised me tons , i wish i had known back then that those words came out of u cos God knew we would never talk like that again , that after that conversation the Yuvie i would meet would be somebody else .. i can never thank you enuf for that last conversation cos for all that was to follow ,it became my only strength ... Thank You for giving me a beautiful memory . What we had was a beautiful pure friendship , one that only be cherished every moment .

I dreaded every phone call from you after that , not knowing what news it might bring , for four months , ur life was a vegetable but so was mine along with the many others who cared for you .. nobody knew what fate wud bring and all prayed for a miracle.

6 ft 1 tall , broad and a real big guy .. that was Yuvie , to anyone he might be someone they might get scared of , but to me he was a guy wid the softest heart ever , gentle kind and caring , someone who knew only how to give and never expect , who had pride in being who he was , who respected elders like noone else and could do absolutely anything in the world for his friends .. that was Yuvie ... a buddy and the coolest pal ever , wid him arnd..u cud feel safe and protected cos u knew u had a person arnd u who wud fight for u no matter what, stick by u thru anything and everything , never judge u .. he was one of the very few fantastic ppl i knew .. little did i know .. that the life of this fantastic relationship was shorter than u cud imagine .. he had to go .

The miracle did happen ,and Yuvie was out of coma , and we all heaved a sigh of relief knowing little that this was only beginning of a more dreaded end and literally so ,not only for him but also for our beautiful platonic friendship , he felt he was no longer good enuf and no matter what anyone said he knew that the one person who had to leave from his life was me .. and i had no idea how i was going to survive this coldness , i tried to understand it , made that phone call the best memory from the whole thing and left .. it was going to be a long nite.After a few weeks it was 3.30 in the night and my phone rang , in the wee hrs of the mrning , i wondered who cud be calling me and it was Yuvie , considering how our communication had died out following the accident , i was happy very very happy even if it was 3.30 in the morning , to hear his voice all that time later was magical in it self , he kept talking and i remember i just cried , he kept laughing like bfore and i laughed but wid tears in my eyes ,,.. its the one moment i will never forget , my heart cried and tears rolled down my cheeks all the one hr that we talked , he talked , i cried and he didnt make out , yes for the whole one hr , i do not know how ,that was the first time i came to know .. this is how the heart cries ... for the next lotve days it became a routine , his phone call at arnd 3.30 ,4 in the mrning .. i wud wake up , sit in the window until early mrning hours and just hear him talk , he would talk to me abt everything .. abt every single thing that had hurt him , his dead mother , how he loved her and missed her , abt his childhood , his father who betrayed his family , abt pride and honesty , abt life and love , abt frndships , abt ppl , abt every single thing under the sun and i would just listen to him , abt his addiction , his smoking habits , abt how his life was gradually going towards a slow end at times i wudnt understand what he was saying cos his speech had slurred frm the accident , drugs , etc... it hurt me when he said .. never expect anything from me ,i will teach u everything u need to know before i leave .. and in so many ways he did teach me , at that time i didnt know he was preparing me for life ahead , we had a connection , he knew he had a responsibilty towards me , he knew we had not completed what we had began and we never would ..not in dis lifetime ,he knew this was something very special and i knew he was doing his best wid it .. the conversations were mostly one sided ,wid him telling me everything he knew abt life ,and wid me always knowing at the other end why he was doing dis .. he taught me everything he cud , he simply cudnt teach me how to forget him .. he was my best friend .. and i knew i was going to miss him for a very very long time.

Its been four years now and it does seem like in another lifetime .. but some ppl just change ur life .. i knew him two yrs of his whole 26 yrs life ,cutting off frm him was very hard , but he made it even tougher by telling me how much he treasured me and always wud wherever he was .. i do not know in which world u are right now , but Yuvie .. u were something .. truely something.. i will cherish what u gave me for the rest of my life .. ur laughter still rings loud in my ears and ur smile wid a child like grin makes me smile even today ..

...i do not know why i think of u tday ,mebbe cos ur gone and u have made me realize in so many ways how important relationships and people are while they r still arnd , how precious they are and how we don't give them enuf credit for being in our lives while they r still there , u made me realize that material things will end even bfore we know , what lasts is the care and compassion , love and affection ..and i hope i can live my life only making them my guidelines and nothing else at all ... it all evens out ..everything .. every single thing , in dis fast paced world where ppl think drugs , sex ,porn, alcohol and fun is going to get them thru their lives .. uve taught me the superficiality of it all .. and the real value of relationships , honesty and commitment .. i have no idea how will i repay u back for all of that but the least i can do is live up to it all ...


Little do we know that people who come into our lives might just one day become the fondest memories we have .. That they might end up giving us so mch more than we can ever imagine , that they need to be cherished while they r still there .. while they still live, breathe , smile right next to us .. cos when they go away .. the memories almost hurt .. and make us wonder ..is there anything we should have done differently ?

Thank you for touching my life the way u did .. in the purest manner ever ,Thank you .

Jaane woh kaunsa des ,jahan tum chale gaye ..

Will you ?

Just dont miss me when im gone
I know u will cos i know i will love u so
There will be so mch of memory
That i will leave u wid
I wonder what will u ever do
Knowing what u lost , while i was still there
U don value me while im still here
There will be tears , there will be pain
Just the kind I feel now
Just don miss me when im gone
Will you ?

Love

Something from FB that truely made sense ...

''..that there is no such thing as conditional love. Love is either unconditional or it's no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God.''

Beautiful aint it and pretty mch the definition of love that i have learnt , known and accepted after a lot of toil but keep forgetting over and over again , how amazing might that love be that has no expectations , conditions , reasons .. that is based purely on faith ,trust and honesty ... but ironically so the human nature always comes into picture ... know that the real beauty of love is only and only in it being unconditional... Can we get there ?

Alternate .. donno wat to feel .. i did deserve dis .. Lord be wid me

But the good part is .. i FINALLY said it ... and meant it ... its by far the sweetest moment :)

How I wish we could have a heart for any fate !

oh damn !

Oh damn !! I am officially at the lowest point in dis admission process

JATT'S D WAY .. !!

Yep .. abt time ... everything is scary .. deadlines are up ... fading more or less ... been worried lately .. sleepless nights , crazy sinking feeling , depressing moods a lotta time .. but enough ... dats it ... i'll find a way .. something or the other ... but im not going to let dis get to me .. no .. not dis time ... no , i refuse to be worried scared and afraid of whats going to happen , it looked like end of the road , but i am not going to treat it like that no matter what ... as Vashi Bhai says .. plan B , think outve the box , what wud He have done ? How wud He have responded , what solutions wud He have sort ?.. I am only going to think what He wud have done and not get depressed any more .. distract myself , make sure i do something more productive .. still trust ya word ... but i need to re group now and be more proactive .. only so i don freak ... !

Yep its time for JATT'S D WAY .. fearless !

Good blessings

How do we crack the code to ''life'' ? Why can we not be happy .. completely happy ever , why is there always something or the other like a sword hanging up our throats ready to slit us anytime..

Real happiness .. its hard .. u ask urself ..what is it that i want that will make me happy and even after u get it there is another thing that u want even bfore u begin to enjoy what u got .. i get so sick of dis human nature that has been ingrained in our system of always wanting more .. and not counting our good blessings .. Why can we not thank God for what we have and jus TRUST HIM into knowing whats best for us , why do we always think that we know whats best for us .. when we dont even know whats going to happen in our life in the next few hours .. why r we so zeroed in on our wants , desires and dreams ...

... i almost get furious with myself when im not able to be content with what i have ... real peace comes only and only when we know that what we have is what is best for us , what we will get will also be what is in our best interest , when we can trust THAT SOMEONE up there and give our lives completely in His hands and simply LET HIM WORK ..

How hard could be giving up on all our stresses..putting them in someone else's realm and trusting Him to just do it for us , all the ''i-will-be-happy-if-i-have-this'' attitude is not going to get us anywhere ,it only gets us closer to sleepless nights ,frustrations and more unhappiness ... why not get rid of that attitude and just know that higher power at play is going to make sure that we get our bit of dreams.

I jus so desperately wish and pray that I can get myself to trust blindly that what He is going to do wid my life is what is best for me in whichever way possible .. Amen :)

Why ... ??

Things I will always fail to understand :

1. Why ppl lie ?
2. Why ppl can't keep their word?
3. Why ppl hve the heart to hurt others?
4. Why are ppl dishonest?
5. Why ppl cheat and deceive?
6. Why can't friendships last forever?
7. Why does love end ?
8. Why is it only physical appearances that matter?
9. Why can't ppl learn to admit their mistakes ?
10.Why is it so hard to apologize?
11.Why is forgiving so hard ?
12.Why is it so difficult to trust ppl nowadays?
13.Why have we lost the innocence and naivity?
14.Why can't ppl be happy for what they have?
15.Why do we always want what we cant have?
16.Why don't we stick to our beliefs?
17.Why can't we trust our instincts as much as we should ?
18.Why do we always worry so much about our future?
19.Why can we not belive in our best buddy God as much as we should?
20.Why does our mind play games with us ?
21.Why do we give up?
22.Why don we follow our dreams anymore?
23.Why is love so painful sometimes?
24.Why don we smile more often?
25.Why do we have the answers sometimes and choose not to see them ?

A psychiatrist gunned down 13 ppl and wounded 30 , of course he didn't do this in his sanity .. but how depressed and angry cud someone be to be able to kill so many innocent ppl , my heart goes out to each one of them but it goes out more to the one who did this .. cos even tho he killed those ppl , he himself must have been in the most terrible mental state himself ... he wasnt a criminal ,he was a normal doctor doing his job but somewhere along the way things arnd him mustve gotten so extreme for him to react this way , of course there aint no excuse whatsoever for killing innocent ppl but at the same time .. is dis what anyone wants to do himself unless this becomes the only way of expressing his anger or rebelling ? if it takes him this to get his frustration out ... i cant even begin to imagine how he lived wid so mch of frustration in d 1st place ..

He is still alive and i wonder how is he going to live his life here on .. if he gets his sanity back he is going to regret what he did .. apart from the punishment etc he gets ... he always has the biggest punishment .. his own life !

HE IS THERE ...

There really seems no one free today to listen to my nightmare and calm me down , so im just gonna put it down here ... It was wierd , I was going for my UIC interview ,i missed my bus , got lost in the train , saw prajakta on the way and she told me the qs are tuf and she refused to tell me more than that , i got upset that she didnt tell me enuf when i told her every bit of my interview earlier ... i was scurrying everywhere to make it but everything was totally chaotic ... i cudnt find a cab , finally i found an auto , d driver was a weird looking man and a kid was also there, as he took me i saw around me broken burnt houses , demolished houses , ppl fighting , running and a lot of chaos .. i was scared , it seemed like some kinda riot or something ... it was 9.30 and i had to reach by 10 , i was sure i wasnt going to make it , knowing well that this cud be my last chance , i was yelling at the driver to speed up but he seemed to be taking me from the eeriest of places .. i found myself remembering nishi's number to call her , but i cudnt remember it correctly , i had lost my cell phone and was now using some old phone that had no numbers , then suddenly outve nowhere sme ppl appeared and started dragging me out frm the auto rickshaw , the driver pleaded to them to leave me alone ,,.. i was scared and the only thot in my mind was that what will happen of my interview ... suddenly i remembered Vashi Bhai ... i cudnt remember his no. but i cud hear him tell me that i will get admission into DDS , that was the only positive part in the night mare and i remember wondering to myself in the dream ... how am i going to get admission when i cant even make it to the interview .. and then i woke up .. shook up scared and worried and i called gaurav , he didnt pick the phone , he just called me to say that he is having a crazy day and will call me in the nite ...

I still feel shook up by.. but im trying to tell myself that in all the chaos i still heard Vashi Bhai tell me that i will get admission ... so i have to stop worrying ... that if all of those things were happening and He cud still tell me that i will make it ... then in real only very very few things hve gone wrong and i will most definitely make it , that He will make sure that i do ... Ive been touchy all day tday .. have been having this real sinking feeling inside of me ... and i hope it goes away .. cos i hate feeling this low .. that too cosve sme stupid dream ..

Honestly .. Its only God who comes thru .. in dis dream too .. I cud hear Vashi Bhai's voice soothing me ... and making me feel better , I wish we cud trust God more than we do , I wish we cud live fearlessly ,knowing that everything will be taken care of no matter what , that we are always protected , jus like a mother protects her child , so does He protect us always .. Oh God i really wish i cud be fearless so mch that nothing of dis sort shakes me up and that I can always know YOU are there .. I WANT TO BE FEARLESS

They say its oxygen , must be , but one thing human beings cant survive widout is love and affection and when its missing life goes haywire , no amount of money can make them happy .. nothing at all but for love . Its like the lifeline and the only food for the soul , the only thing that can quench the inner self , and when its not there or there is a lack of it something inside just toils and turns .. and ther is nothing u can do cos thats all u need , its strange the most imp thing is so hard to find and once u find it ..hard to keep cos then there are expectations and so mch more .. this whole thing is like ..

.....................................................................................................................................................................

The sad part abt my life has been i can screw up anything , yes anything at all , in the most unimaginable ways ... i screwed up something yday .. real bad and ive been numb since then , not even been able to react to it till now , the worst part is i cant tell dis to anyone and its killing me now , i cudnt belive it when i realized i had screwed it up .. i simply cudnt .. i still cant .. it mus be divine powers at wrk dat cud let me spoil something so important .. i dont knw ,... i hve no idea how i did it , the fact is .. i did ... and i wish i cud tell someone but i simply cant ... its unpardonable and i dont knw wat to do wid myself now ... jus bury my head in a pillow and forget i made sucha mistake ..Oh God ..why did i ? why ? WHY ?

.... 02.16.2010

And it so happens that ....

.... we change , and honestly dont even realize it .The change is said to be for the better for sure thats the reason why its there in the first place , to make us realize whats wrong about us and help us grow . I always thought i had changed , matured , learned and grown up a lot but i never knew i had changed my inherent nature to such an extent , its amazing ... i dont express anymore , my deepest thoughts , feelings .. i dont say them anymore , and for the first time i felt that that wasnt so right , but i dont , rather cant ... why ? for fear of being misunderstood ? for fear of losing again ? for fear of yet again being judged ? i dont know , but i think its the protective mechanism we all develop for ourselves , and this one is my protective mechanism .. how did this happen , how did the impulsiveness just go away ? where did it go and will it come back ? was it good for me or was it bad ... do i miss it ? do i want it back ? do i want to go back and become that person who wud say wat she felt in her heart without inhibitions and never cared about the consequences , maybe thats what the hitch was ... the consequences , somewhere down the line i started caring about the consequences , the what ifs ... i don't know wats right or whats wrong , i do know ive changed and i hope its only and only for the better ....

I guess this is what life duz to you .. u don even realize how it wrks on you and transforms you , i think i shudnt doubt its credibilty .. if it really is the best teacher then it sure must have taught me all the right things .. :)

Faith and prayers

Its getting more and more hard by the day .. to keep it together and still believe that i will indeed make it this time , the closer it gets the tougher it looks and yes that is exactly where faith steps in , and in all honestly the real test of faith is when you really have no reasons to believe !! And how many times have i not been in those situations , one too many times but again when a similar thing is in my face I am here .. asking more questions .. I am not sure if i've written this before but there is this verse i read somewhere yrs ago :

Believe in love ,even when U don't feel it
Believe in the sun , even when it is dark
Believe in God , even when He is silent

Keeping the faith is harder than you could know ,especially when the reasons get lesser and lesser , when realistically speaking everything looks bleak , but then again the realism is only human perception . If I want to believe that I am dealt with at another level then the realism needs to be shunned ,I haven't been let down ever .. I just need to wait a little longer and pray a little more harder :)

A lot of times I feel that He is just waiting upon us to do our prayers the right way ,and when we do them He opens His doors in an instant and gives us the blessing we have been waiting for , its like in the blink of an eye , that everything we ask for can be ours , but it takes time cos we in our lax attitude and inability to connect to Him in the right way ,miss out on ASKING ... from the bottom of our hearts .... the more i think about it , the more i realize ... its just me ...

One more time...

Yell OH ... and here we go .. yes yes ... one more time .. one more time ... last time ? do not know .. can only hope .. against hope and against more hope ... the MDQ arrives ... so was it really worth it .. or one more time .. as usual ... back to where we started from ... oh yes both of us ... yes yes ... u my heart .. I am talking about YOU ... its all about you .. has always always and always been ... ru ready for the magic ... RU READY ?

aww, argghh... uff ... nooo ... FOUL!!

Admission worries..

Apprehensive .. very very .. its indescribable almost .. the whole admission process. Always tend to ask yourself ..what more can i do to make sure that I am doing my best ,the wait is really excruciating ,wondering if all the applications are complete , if I did really make a good application or did i miss out on something ..hoping and praying that it all goes exactly how I want it to. Its so hard to wait for the schools to get in tuch and say what they r doing wid the application , there seem to be so many candidates with equally good or bad stats , everytime im on SDN I have this sinking feeling ,OMG really this is one huge test of patience ..a few more months and i'll know but still .. still ... still !!!!! What if ... i don even want to go there ... seriously God pls make sure I get thru somehow ...

There seem to be broken hearts everywhere . And I am forced to ask .. why don't people respect love or feelings anymore ? Its not about the rejection but more about how its put forth.. why is there no compassion anymore ? Why do not people understand that when someone cares for you and when you are being outright blunt with them it seriously hurts .. the spoken word can be a spear sometimes .

The youngest friend i have is going thru .. what i can say .. her first heart ache and unfortunately so it comes in the harshest way possible ..sitting here today i can probably give enough testimony to the fact that it will be allright but what i cant come to terms with is the harshness , heartlessness or the coldness so to say.Is niceness and compassion such a rarity and if it is then what kinda world are we living in where human beings do not in the least care for one anothers feelings and it has nothing to do with love , plain simple humanity at times ... which in some ways should be our basic nature ?

I know there is a lot more that goes on in the world that has little or nothing to do with compassion .. and i wish there was more of it cos that wud make dis world so much more a better place to live in.

She ..

She laughs
She sings
She hurts , she cries
She dances like a doll
She prays
She dreams
She hopes
She wishes on a star

She's happy
She's joyous
She's sad
She's crazy at times

She's beautiful
She's lovely
She's an angel

She's the heart in me ..