And it so happens that ....

.... we change , and honestly dont even realize it .The change is said to be for the better for sure thats the reason why its there in the first place , to make us realize whats wrong about us and help us grow . I always thought i had changed , matured , learned and grown up a lot but i never knew i had changed my inherent nature to such an extent , its amazing ... i dont express anymore , my deepest thoughts , feelings .. i dont say them anymore , and for the first time i felt that that wasnt so right , but i dont , rather cant ... why ? for fear of being misunderstood ? for fear of losing again ? for fear of yet again being judged ? i dont know , but i think its the protective mechanism we all develop for ourselves , and this one is my protective mechanism .. how did this happen , how did the impulsiveness just go away ? where did it go and will it come back ? was it good for me or was it bad ... do i miss it ? do i want it back ? do i want to go back and become that person who wud say wat she felt in her heart without inhibitions and never cared about the consequences , maybe thats what the hitch was ... the consequences , somewhere down the line i started caring about the consequences , the what ifs ... i don't know wats right or whats wrong , i do know ive changed and i hope its only and only for the better ....

I guess this is what life duz to you .. u don even realize how it wrks on you and transforms you , i think i shudnt doubt its credibilty .. if it really is the best teacher then it sure must have taught me all the right things .. :)

Faith and prayers

Its getting more and more hard by the day .. to keep it together and still believe that i will indeed make it this time , the closer it gets the tougher it looks and yes that is exactly where faith steps in , and in all honestly the real test of faith is when you really have no reasons to believe !! And how many times have i not been in those situations , one too many times but again when a similar thing is in my face I am here .. asking more questions .. I am not sure if i've written this before but there is this verse i read somewhere yrs ago :

Believe in love ,even when U don't feel it
Believe in the sun , even when it is dark
Believe in God , even when He is silent

Keeping the faith is harder than you could know ,especially when the reasons get lesser and lesser , when realistically speaking everything looks bleak , but then again the realism is only human perception . If I want to believe that I am dealt with at another level then the realism needs to be shunned ,I haven't been let down ever .. I just need to wait a little longer and pray a little more harder :)

A lot of times I feel that He is just waiting upon us to do our prayers the right way ,and when we do them He opens His doors in an instant and gives us the blessing we have been waiting for , its like in the blink of an eye , that everything we ask for can be ours , but it takes time cos we in our lax attitude and inability to connect to Him in the right way ,miss out on ASKING ... from the bottom of our hearts .... the more i think about it , the more i realize ... its just me ...

One more time...

Yell OH ... and here we go .. yes yes ... one more time .. one more time ... last time ? do not know .. can only hope .. against hope and against more hope ... the MDQ arrives ... so was it really worth it .. or one more time .. as usual ... back to where we started from ... oh yes both of us ... yes yes ... u my heart .. I am talking about YOU ... its all about you .. has always always and always been ... ru ready for the magic ... RU READY ?

aww, argghh... uff ... nooo ... FOUL!!

Admission worries..

Apprehensive .. very very .. its indescribable almost .. the whole admission process. Always tend to ask yourself ..what more can i do to make sure that I am doing my best ,the wait is really excruciating ,wondering if all the applications are complete , if I did really make a good application or did i miss out on something ..hoping and praying that it all goes exactly how I want it to. Its so hard to wait for the schools to get in tuch and say what they r doing wid the application , there seem to be so many candidates with equally good or bad stats , everytime im on SDN I have this sinking feeling ,OMG really this is one huge test of patience ..a few more months and i'll know but still .. still ... still !!!!! What if ... i don even want to go there ... seriously God pls make sure I get thru somehow ...

There seem to be broken hearts everywhere . And I am forced to ask .. why don't people respect love or feelings anymore ? Its not about the rejection but more about how its put forth.. why is there no compassion anymore ? Why do not people understand that when someone cares for you and when you are being outright blunt with them it seriously hurts .. the spoken word can be a spear sometimes .

The youngest friend i have is going thru .. what i can say .. her first heart ache and unfortunately so it comes in the harshest way possible ..sitting here today i can probably give enough testimony to the fact that it will be allright but what i cant come to terms with is the harshness , heartlessness or the coldness so to say.Is niceness and compassion such a rarity and if it is then what kinda world are we living in where human beings do not in the least care for one anothers feelings and it has nothing to do with love , plain simple humanity at times ... which in some ways should be our basic nature ?

I know there is a lot more that goes on in the world that has little or nothing to do with compassion .. and i wish there was more of it cos that wud make dis world so much more a better place to live in.

She ..

She laughs
She sings
She hurts , she cries
She dances like a doll
She prays
She dreams
She hopes
She wishes on a star

She's happy
She's joyous
She's sad
She's crazy at times

She's beautiful
She's lovely
She's an angel

She's the heart in me ..

FREEDOM

So this is what august 15th can do to you , or rather the spirit of freedom , i went to bed at 3 last nite feeling really rotten and woke up this mrning to august 15th .. independence day ... feeling totally rejuvenated ... and happy , free... from last nite and last few yrs ...

I want to choose happiness , i do not care what anyone thinks or what anyone says .. i know i am going to find my peace , my dream .. everything i ever wished for ... i free myself of all the burden that weighed upon me in the past 24 hrs ... happy 62nd I DAY !

u know ...

u know what u had
u know what u lost
u know it wasnt ures
u know it never will be
u know it was all u want
u know it was destiny
u know u fought
u know it killed you
u know u tried
u know its over
FOREVER

my dream

A cloud of darkness surrounds me ,
I can't see the way ,
I am losing my dream
I dont want to wake up
But the thunders jus dont stop
I am scared ..all i had was my dream

Hold on , dont leave
Oh my lovely dream
I cant hear my voice
My heart says adios
The cloud wont go ,the darkness stays
I am losing myself
I am scared ..all i had was my dream

I scream , I shout
Dont take my dream ..its all i have
I run , i try , i want it back
My dream is all i had

I am scared

Why me ~~

I just happened to be talking to someone tday , and happened to also hit upon a qs .. is there anything in life i wouldv'e done differently ? In split moments i lived my life all over again , a quick flashback ... so was there anything i wouldv'e done differently , anything at all ? and thankfully the answer was ''no'' except mebbe for one small thing .. but other than that nothing .

I find myself at a place today where there is not a thing about myself that id like to change .. or mebbe just one , that apart , i think ive come a long long way .. when stuff happened so many yrs back and i wondered to myself a million times ''why me'' ,i think i can answer that today .. this is why .. me .. so i cud find myself , be this ... a sucker for life and happiness , confident and patient , obedient and resilient , fearless and powerful in every sense of the word ... no i was none of this five yrs back ... i still hve a lotve wrk to do .. still a lotta growing up .. one thing to be exact that i still need to work on ... apart from that i knw tday ..why all d pain , all d losses , all d crap ... for dis moment right now .. when there is not a thing i wanna change ... no not even losing ppl ,not even d unrequited love , not even the broken heart ... nothing ... it all has evened out in d rich light of memory .. and whats left is a more resilient me

I take a deep breath and wish upon the stars ... to make me wiser each day .. AMEN.

I AM STILL ALIVE

i wonder this a lot .. what is it that keeps us going ... ? why do we still believe in our dreams .. where duz this crazy amount of hope keep coming back from ? why dont the setbacks jus make us realize once and for all that its never going to wrk out ? why do we still keep pushing .. why do we have dis amazing amount of resilience .. i feel like a phoenix sometimes .. rising from the ashes .. again and again .. but how many times ?

its one of those days , when i want to stop believing , give in to destiny and forget it all for good !
its one of those days , when i want to stop trying ..

and there is something inside me ... i dunno wat that voice is or where it comes from ... it jus tells me to never give up .. and never means NEVER .. no matter what happens ... it says ... dont stop trying .. i feel split into two parts ..one telling me to jus give up ,get d so called ''message'' and another telling me ... that its not in my character to give up ..

u don die when ur lowered down to d ground , u die when u stop dreaming .. so how many times before ur dream is broken,killed, smashed .. do u stop dreaming ? i guess u keep dreaming till it becomes a reality .... no matter how many times its shattered into pieces ... u keep going for it till the one time dat it wont ...

do i knw where dis hope comes back to me again .. nopes .. no clue ... but till i have this lil voice inside of me I AM STILL ALIVE

live again

If life is from this moment onwards , and the past is nothing but a memory then why do we carry all this baggage ..of pain , bitterness , hatred , loneliness , tears ? Why cant moving on be in the literal sense of the word ? We keep repeating to ourselves that we want to be happy and thats all that we want in life , how can one be happy when they always remember the stuff that made them sad , of course forgetting isn't always a choice , but is repeating it to ourselves and to others arnd us going to help ? If i want a really happy tomorrow , is choosing to remember only happy moments from yday going to help or is carrying all the bitterness is ? Does it sound like escapism ? well maybe .. but if u can take a long haul and never look back at the past that almost killed u only cos u want to live today then escapism is good too , anything that will help u do away wid bad memories is good ..

And how does one start with it? I already have ... by finding myself .. the one dat was lost in all d chaos called life .. yes we do lose parts of us as we live thru our lives .. we stop connecting wid ourselves and in d process forget who we really were .. what really affects us , what makes us ''us'' .. our core will always be there no matter what deposits over it , its only a matter of taking it off , and revealing that core to our own selves , ever felt that need to jus let go off all the guards ,being fearless all over again , not letting d past cloud ur judgement , or not letting it affect any bit of ur future , not being scared of being naive again , jus feeling ,living and breathing again .. all those demons that killed u , and took away a part of u , ever felt like telling them to leave .. i feel dat way ...

I want to live again .

its been so long since i wrote a real post , if u know what i mean ... i finished with my exam , wid all d head breaking i managed to cross the danger mark of 85 ... rest is all wat they call history ..

its been crazy , past few months .. i new country , an exam , results .. new friends , etc etc .. what i know is .. its just the beginning .. the start of a new life .. all old is over .. all of it i mean, but its part of memories not so distant, I am surprised how even the smallest thing becomes memories , how soon does stuff turn around and becomes a part of d past .. only to cherish ,learn from and move on.. thats the magnanimity of us humans and must say life too .. that all of it , good or bad .. someday or d other goes down in the books of memories ..as i go thru my life everyday and look at whats happening arnd me right now , i tell myself .. in a few days this too shall become a memory .. widout sounding like a yash chopra film .. as mch as we shd live for the present .. we shud also know .. that its going to be just a passing phase ... ironical eh ? Aint that what life is about irony and more of it ?

There is always going to be a tomorrow still to come , a yesterday thats gone , and a present that is right here ... all three of them are so different from each other yet so intertwined .. i havent known anything thats so bonded to each other and yet so so apart .. and thats what i ponder on sometimes ... more irony ;)

Saw the jackson memorial tday .. I always thought him to be a strange man , but iconic .. the memorial was amazing .. the biggest names from mariah carey to usher etc paid tributes .. he seemed to have earned it and how .. he did pay a huge price . We will never know how far the criminal stuff against him was true ... inspite of all of it millions still love him .. why ? the strangeness , the weird life style , all the child molestation things abt him .. so what made him still tick ? I guess it was the ''goodness'' that connected with people , that made them overlook all of that .

The only one thing that i felt was real in the entire memorial was the tribute by his daughter Paris .. the rest mebbe ... but i am sure if something reached Michael wherever he is now , it was that two line tribute.

I need YOU 400 times today :)

Ahan .. so d day of reckoning is here .. tomm mrning 8.30 am ... i take a deep breath , i am calm and relaxed to my own surprise .. thats all i need to be .. i hve to tell myself a few times a day .. that to do well i need to keep my mind really stable .. its not tuf ,if i can concentrate enuf and get it all together tomm , will my head finally support me , or also , will luck be on my side in getting a good set of qs .. d truth is ..i hve been driven crazy , i hve fought dis big gap in studies ..which has been a huge detriment ,in conc ,memory , etc etc .. d last exam i gave was exactly 7 yrs back ,getting back to studies afr sucha long period was nvr going to be easy .. so here i am .. testing myself ,my fate , my decisions.. i dont knw wat happens tomm , at dis point , i still feel i can do more , study more , but its never enuf is it ? its d human body and there is always so mch more to learn to know , its like dis huge vast sea , and u cant devour it all , at some point u hve to stop and say lets do it .. ive come to dat point ...

.. i havent even ever prayed as mch as i have dis time , cos coming to US was d biggest decision i took in my life .. and i need God to be wid me at every step of my way here ... I have left a lot behind .. tomm is d 1st step towards d rest of my new life .. and i knw it is in d right direction .. its hard .. but then thats exactly wat makes it so right .. d best things that we do for ourselves , sometimes are also d tufest to do .... cya tomorrow!

Buried forever

Thru the clouds i saw
Beautiful and clear .. d beauty of d day
Around in my heart , all day it lay
Pleasure peace and happiness
Deep from the heart .. yes u may ...

I hurt and i wept , i cried and i pined..
Happiness and glory and strings of joy
Tears and laughter ,and pleasures of the rain
As it fell on me , i realized it wasnt really pain
No it wasnt , it was a peace in d pain

Peace in d pain ..yes u may
Around in my heart all day it lay ..
Carrying it wid a smile ,i did ..
Tears in my eyes and smile on my face
Pain in the heart , and happiness again ..

Hurt and tears and happiness and joy
All intertwined one in d other ..ahoy
No more hoping ,no wishes on a star
No more dreams ,no genie in a jar..
Buried forever

How often do we respect the choices that we make ? and if we don't , then why do we make those choices anyway ? Isnt it time to ask ourselves to be more responsible and answerable to our ownselves ?

Alvida .. I let u go ..

...how often do u come across someone u can care for , pray for , and be in love with , even when they do not love u back ..

.. love has only one definition ... do not expect ever , and if u can still love ,getting nothing at all back ... that's love .. and it has its own contentment ... it duz pierce u thru and thru a lotta times ... but its a beautiful feeling .. a mix of love and pain .. both competing wid each other at being more intense than the other .. guess which one wins ..im still figuring out .. duz it hurt more , or is there more love .. donno ... at some level they become part of each other and u cant make out which is which .....

I dont know what bound me to u , but whatever it was .. was very strong, i have never known anything or anyone have that effect on me .. i know u know .. i know u always knew .. even in the unsaid stuff .. i know u will always know .. i dont know how something so strong cudnt find its way .. it simply wasnt meant to be .. as we move on wid other ppl .. i will always know deep down .. what true love felt like .. loving you was a blessing .. u belong to someone else and so do i .. but those feelings were sacred and i will always respect and cherish them .. i always say that chapter is closed .. in all honesty .. i still feel u and i can never be finished cos it comes from another lifetime .. and it will finish only in another .. as for now ..

I let u go .. alvida ..