Letting it go was the toughest thing i ever did .I wonder how i derived that much strength to finally cancel every thing and come here ... but a year later .. it duz seem like the best thing i did for myself ... its strange i smile today cos im happy , really happy but somewhere deep down .. going back to india reminds me of all the decisions i made last year .. its just all so ironical , so weird , so difficult ... its been a year , i am getting married in a month , everything has changed .. everything has totally changed ...sab kuch .... and i wonder if these were indeed the right choices .. time alone will tell ... mujhe nahin pata wats right and wats wrong .. kch bhi nahin pata except that i tried my best wid the cards that i was dealt wid ...

Life indeed tests.

One more time !

Living alone prepared me for a lotve things , my family moved to US 7 yrs back when i was in my early 20's , i distinctly remember not wanting to feel anything at all , and let the whole thing be just any other thing .. i didn't want to even say it aloud to myself that from here on it was jus me on my own , mom wud visit a few mths every yr , but the family i had lived wid all my life was suddenly gone , and this is probably even the first time that im saying this to myself , my process of accepting to live on my own was simple .. not make a big deal out of it and take one day at a time , and needless to say it worked .. so why am i writing this down here today .. cos even tho it wrked .. it was still not one of the easiest things to do , somehow thru those years i came across the most fantastic ppl , who helped me every step of the way and gradually became more than family , they loved me as their own and made sure i was never lonely , made me realize at times that blood is not always thicker than water ... they were there for me at any time of d day , and i knew i cud count on them , the bond became greater than even those of any of the relatives , it was based on love , friendship and genuine concern of well being for me ,,,

Just when i started living on my own , sometimes i wud ask .. so why do i have to go thru this , i wud find myself glaring at the four walls on festivals and my birthday and somehow that wud suck to the core , but gradually i learned that it ws totally in my control how to make best of this , i had to just open up to ppl arnd me and let them in .... as was i growing up i simply had given up on frnds and family had become my biggest strength ,but this part of my life kind of changed that and i started believing in people more than ever , that they cud bring in happiness and care for u unconditionally , and i can never thank our satsang enuf for that.

A year back i left from Mumbai for US , it ws obviously going to be hard , i had been wid these ppl for nearly 6 yrs and wid all those strong bonds ... i told myself again ... dont make a big deal out of this , take one day at a time ... i miss them all ...but thats what life is !!

One year on , i have to once again move out of my home .. im leaving tomm , in abt 7 weeks i will start my life wid Gaurav .. a part of me is very scared .. ive been thru a lotve transitions already and ideally i shud be prepared ... but one more time i have the same advice for myself .. dont make a big deal outve it .. take one day at a time ... its going to be diff from d rest ... but good different .. nevertheless i am scared .. this seems like the final transition and for sure the tougest one !

Just do it !

This is a real cliche , and no matter how many times i say this to myself or put it down here .. it is going to be less .. and its a big bold fact which we can ignore , overlook or nullify as mch as we want ... the plain simple truth is and always will be that our happiness is totally in our own control , we r completely and thoroughly slaves of our own mind . No other person can make us happy , noone can take away from us our peace if we do not let them , till the time we do not want to be happy we wont be , our mind will trick us a million times to make us sad and lose hope , it will make us negative over and over again ... that is its job , the trick is to never fall in that trap , everytime it plays that little game , realize and say it out aloud if u have to that ''I am not going to fall prey to ur dirty tricks , I am not going to give my peace and happiness to u .. I simply am not''

As easy as it sounds , it isn't really that easy ... cos everytime we start trusting our mind and fall for the little game ... again and again ..

I wanna put myself thru an exercise , and im going to do dis mebbe jus one day at a time and not have too many huge targets ... im going to be very careful wid my wat my mind duz everyday , and every possible chance that it gets to play that little game ... im going to try and identify it and not let it bog me down .. i want to control my mind in a way that it cant stop me frm bringing in any unhappiness and sadness by its silly games

Lets just do it !!

This one's for ''All that Jazz'' !

Ive realized that the only true connection that i have wid myself is thru my blog , anytime i feel depressed , i come and read the blog and it makes me feel so mch more better , so this little piece is a dedication to my blog page ...

i ws wondering why i feel so peaceful when i read or write stuff here .. probably cos i spill my soul out .. and obviously that has to bring peace .. in the chaos of life , and ppl who r superficial , selfish and completely self centred .. this is where i find the real me ... the me that struggles to understand ppl , that is saddened by mean and deceitful ppl , the me that sometimes feels suffocated in the commotion of life , the me that needs one place where there are no boundaries to honesty , where there are no limits to expressing , where emotions can flow as much as they want to widout fear of being judged , where i know that speaking my mind is not going to turn any one off , where noone is going to walk out on me , where there is no fear but plain simple truth ... where there is purity and complete honesty ....

This blog is my heart in the truest sense of the word ... All That Jazz !

Nothing merry abt Xmas !

This is one of the times when i totally hate myself , or the kind of person i am , i am going to brag a lot so anyone who duznt like conceited ppl needn't read it anyways !!

I am kind and compassionate , i hate to hurt anyone in the slightest possible manner , i will go out of my way to make sure that whatever i am doing is not hurting anyone arnd me , and if it is i will hurt myself but make sure others feelings are kept in mind , and honest to the core today ... i hate being this kind of person .. cos its hard to always keep others happiness ahead of my own , and it duznt happen unless i hurt myself once in a while .. i think my life wud be a 100 times happier if i didnt care so much abt others , yes there are times when being this way brings a kind of peace noone else probably knows of , but those times are rare ,there is no consolation to wanting other people's happiness and placing their needs ahead of ur own ... just that u know in ur heart that u are a good person ... but what do u do of that good person ? after a point u just get tired of being a good person and want to be a regular person who wants to at times not care abt anyone and just place ownself ahead of others ...

Life is hard for a good person ... very hard at that !

Don't give up , ever !!

There is no code to life but , if u give up on it , it gives up on u . Life tests all the time , the trick is in understanding that no matter how hard it makes it for u , always always stay put , know that the longer it tests u the bigger the lessons its going to give u , that it has its reasons , and though u dont see those reasons , u do always stick like glue to ur belief that no matter how hard it looks it will be all right , the minute u give up ur belief u die .

It all starts and ends in the mind .. thats what a dear friend of mine told me once and literally so ... i feel a kind of helplessness sometimes when i see ppl arnd me who wanna give up and not dream anymore .. cos losing is not an option , u have to just go on .. there simply is no choice but that . Life has this tremendous quality of somehow becoming beautiful , rising from the ashes like a phoenix , but it can do all that only when u completely trust in its ability of bouncing back , the minute u give up .. life is over .. just like that ! its a loop , all interconnected .

Losing a dear friend and then still somehow learning to be happy taught me that u can think that this is the worst it gets , maybe it even is , u can think u will never experience more pain than this , maybe u wont , u think u have lost everything , maybe u have , but as long as u can tell urself that i will still find a way to be happy someday ... u surely will .

Till the time u have ur faith in urself and life intact ... no matter how dead u feel ... u will breathe again .. don let that faith die .. ever !

Love is

1. Wanting to wake up and hear his voice first thing in the morning
2. Knowing that he loves u even when he duznt say it
3. Knowing that he thinks of u even when he duznt call u
4. Wanting to cook the best meal for him
5. Crying and whining one moment ,and laughing and smiling the other
6. Placing his happiness above everything else
7. Doing things u don wanna do only cos they make him smile
8. Singing for him once in a while
9. Checking ur messenger n times a day for one offline msg frm him
10.Checking ur phone a million times a day for his missed call
11. Not getting any sleep in d nite when u havent heard his voice throughout the day
12.Laughing at his jokes even when u don understand them
13.Not telling him ever what hurts u most
14.Just wanting him to know .....
15.Knowing in ur heart that his arms are the best place in the world for u
16.Burnt food once in a while
17.Ending up telling each other the same story over and over again
18.Talking to him even when he aint around
19.No ego ever
20.No me only us
21.Kissing and making up
22.Never wanting anything in return
23.Stars in the eyes
24.Smiling to urself
25.Letting him have his way
26.Letting him go when he wants to
27. Just loving.