Dang !!

 Dang! 

I read through my blog of several yrs ago and I actually still like the person I was , hopefully in 10 years I will continue to like who I  am today 

I don’t know but I gotta keep myself alive just who I was , who I am and not change too much no matter what’s thrown at me 

It’s all good 👍 

 It’s amazing 

God plan 

It’s perfect and clear 

We don’t understand it because it’s hard. He knows us , our lives our challenges not just right now but past and future . Stop coming in His way 

Yogi Bapa - पात्र भी मैं गढ़ूँगा भ्रमरस  भी मैं करूँगा तुम बस ना पड़े रहना 

that's it we just have to hang in there 

No questions asked whatsoever 

He knows and that’s enough ! 

Truth

 Truth exists even when nobody knows about it.Just because it’s hidden doesn’t mean it’s gone . The mere existence of it is dreadful enough for many to do things they shouldn’t , that’s how powerful truth is . The measures one has to take to hide the truth sometimes are so immense that they forget they can only hide it not eliminate it cos the truth doesn’t go anywhere .. it’s alway there no matter what one does . 

We have to choose if we want to live in fear or in truth and without a doubt the latter is a liberating experience 

Ukraine and aaruv

 Kakaji pls defend Ukraine . I pray to you to come to their rescue 

I also pray to you that aaruv enters gifted class in middle school 🙏

 When people care , it shows 

When it doesn’t .. they don’t 

It’s just that simple 

My souls journey

 Betrayal is my life lesson 

I have to learn to deal with it and not let it affect me , I started early with this life lesson but still haven’t learnt it . The day I do I will make my peace , beginning with friendships I constantly was betrayed and never understood how or why could people who thought of me as their friend find it in their heart to not think how hurt I would be at their acts of betrayal .

My souls journey is to hurt deeply and yet absorb that pain and move forward. Every single time a friend or loved one betrayed me I felt unending , indescribable pain . 

This is hard . It should be hard . It’s a lesson for the soul. And when my soul has learnt that lesson it will be elevated to move into another life where it will no longer face betrayal . This process of purifying the soul has been well described by Papaji . He says all people and experiences around us are meant to purify our soul , remove its deficiencies and allow it to grow . I just don’t know how many more times it’s going to take 

I will get past this 

My heart

And I’ve learnt some truths along the way 

That I am not alone 

That life and love and all that will end 

That the more I expect the harder I will fall 

That it won’t matter who cares or who doesn’t 

That the heart will cry only cos it knows me 

That what I feel won’t matter much 

That what I want won’t matter either 

That pain is ok 

That it’s just me and my heart forever together 

That I can still hope 

That one day it won’t even matter that I hurt 

But until that happens 

I just need to feel the pain 

And hope that I embrace it forever 

That I accept it forever 

I wish 

I could just walk away 

I’ve been hurting way too long 

But I can’t leave my heart alone 

It’s all I have 

Mission

 My mission : 

To please my Guru , be able to lead my life based off the examples that were set by them . Practice what I learn from satsang , whatever I do , my conduct stays influenced by the righteous path laid down by Bhagwan Swaminarayan 

Being born a girl , my mission is to accomplish the objectives of every role of relationship that I fall into but most especially that of a mother . To see my child grow everyday into a wonderful human being who is able to see right from wrong , lead an honest life and is humble . 

Prayer

 When u look for answers in people who are just as confused as you or even more , you will invariably hit the wall. I’m hitting the wall over and over again 

Kakaji , 

If any of this is my fault may the worst fall upon me , but if I have truly tried then show me that you exist. 

Vashi uncle

 Today is Vashi Uncles birthday 

I wouldn’t know how to live my life if I didn’t have Him in it . 

My very first problem came when I failed my pedo practical and hence my pedo exam in final year . 

I was so upset cos this had never happened to me . We went to Tardeo , Vashi uncle met me and gave me the warmest hug ever . He made all my worries go away in an instant . 

He was and is still so full of love , he connects with our soul by means of His absolute selfless love . He never judges and has always led by example . His glory is impossible to be said in words , He is a powerhouse of endless energy . From the minute his day starts to the time he goes to bed He spends all His time in Seva , Bhajan ,and dhun . . 

Vashi uncle is my go-to person and I’m not afraid to tell Him anything because He is both my mother and father . And that is the beauty of Vashi uncle - he will love like a mother and guide like a father . 

I remember an instant where He introduced me as his daughter to someone . I was ecstatic , and I remind myself of that all the time . Often however I forget who I belong to , who protects and guides me .. taara naam  no bharoso karaye .. Jeev no Shiv banaye 

Shri Banda Singh Bahadur

 Banda Singh Bahadur was a warrior who fought alongside Dashame Paatshahi Guru Gobind Singh ji 

He was a brave warrior who gave up his life fighting the Mughals , that’s all I knew 

And then I was told that there was more so I  googled and  Wikipedia told me heartbreaking stories about Banda Ji 

I asked my mom - so why do you not hate Muslims , why do you not despise them .. they killed warriors , they murdered young children , tortured women and murdered the Sahebjaade 

Her answer was simple - cos the Gurus did not teach to hate .They taught only to protect ; our beliefs , faith and Sikhi . Their message was to fight for the right and never give up . They were not anti - Muslim , they were pro  Sikhi . 

So they led by example . Their lesson to us was to protect our faith at all cost . Be courageous and stand for what you believe in no matter what the price .

Guru Gobind Singhji asked for no one to build anything in His remembrance such was His greatness .

My idols continue to be 

Gandhi for his truthfulness 

Mother Teresa for her compassion 

Guru Gobind Singh ji for His courage 

Vashi uncle for His selflessness 

Bapa for His humility 

Road rage v life rage

 What happened to me yesterday for 90secs on the road happens to us everyday in life albeit over a longer duration of time . 

Let me go over this piece by piece ! 

While driving peacefully at 70+ in my lane I was tailgated then tried to be stopped on I-295 by the same car almost causing an accident , chased , overtaken and finger flipped , yelled at several times , not even mentioning the lane change race . I was in two minds flipping him , yelling , honking and lastly calling 911 though the phone was in my beach bag but I could call Siri . I did none of those .. I stayed calm .. took my focus off the man who was harassing me .. kept my eyes on the prize - safety , took the next exit and moved away from the scene / craziness . 

Ain’t that what life rages / situations are about ? They come like a whirlwind , not giving us much time to think . Our reaction is usually misplaced that leads to problem bigger than the situation itself . Wouldn’t it be better to deal with life rage same way as the road rage ? Take focus off the person causing the rage , keep eyes on the prize - peace of mind .. exit from the scene / craziness 

While that is easier said than done , it also has so many layers to it .. layers of ego , revenge , pride , throw in relationships , past struggles and there is your perfect recipe for disaster . 

Had I let my ego get the better of me in the road rage incident .. there is a possibility there would’ve been a car wreck or I would’ve been shot . None happened cos i took the exit . 

LET GO OF THE PRIDE , TAKE THE EXIT 

Truth

 People have a difficult relationship with truth . Truth is bitter , it’s hard and at times something we don’t agree with , don’t want or accept .

 It takes a lot of courage to face  , then accept and finally speak the truth . 

Truth bruises the ego .. seems to be self defeating and many times something that brings us to our knees .. But speaking and  sticking to the truth makes one fearless cos then  there is nothing to hide , nothing to run away from , then you are bare open  . 

Simply put being truthful is a liberating experience . 

I’m fearless cos I’ve always stuck to the truth , I’m saddened cos I see altered versions of the truth around me all the time . It is temporarily fulfilling - the altered version , but soul crushing in the big picture . 

May the truth Gods  give us strength 

Some days I want to curl up in a corner and not be strong anymore but that’s not an option for me . The days I vent or give in to my weaker side I feel even worse , I am made to feel even worse instead of be supported . I am not being negative but in the middle of my life where I’m raising a child with challenges I need to remind myself that I need to take care of myself too 

I am very disappointed with myself but now I will meet myself here 18,000 Malas later 

When you are younger the most important thing about a relationship is love , then as u grow it becomes trust .. as u grow deeper and deeper in relationships the most imp thing is no longer either love or trust .. its just forgiveness

Having said that , i am struggling . I see people who most definitely wronged other people being exonerated . Their karma not getting them , at least not right now in front of me . In fact it is exactly the other way round , they are having the best lives and the best times and a part of me is very frustrated because obviously i cANT do anything . And whatever it is that i can do , i don't want to .Because i chose to be on the path of peace and not on the path of revenge , hatred and resentment. So if i chose this path why am i struggling . Maybe because i have not whole heartedly forgiven . Because deep down i still hope bad things happen to these ppl . I truly have not let go .

I tried

Losing you will hurt forever
You weren’t mine to begin with
But it’s always the same pain
Nothings changed
But I know now
This is not my regret
It’s still my pain
I thought I failed me
I didn’t
I tried maybe not hard enough so I thought
But I was wrong
I did what I could
I just didn’t lose myself
This just isn’t my regret anymore
I need to let go , but it’s so hard
So painful
It kills me
It kills me
To know , I loved this deeply
There are times I just don’t want to
But it’s beyond me
Helpless , powerless
I can’t let go cos it’s not my choice anymore
There is no closure
Never will be
I hate my life sometimes
I hate love sometimes
Cos the only thing love ever meant for me is pain
Tears
And more pain
But this
Is never going to be my regret
I tried

Debt

I couldn't understand  for years together the karmic  debt I carried. iI never understood what happened several years ago . In that one moment life changed forever. It started a process of cleansing which is something I failed to understand .

I kept going with my notion of love . Kept believing in true love ,if what I felt was real it would be in my life but I was too naive and immature to understand anything about karma , and thats what this whole challenge was about .

I was in my early teens and the minute I set my eyes on him something powerful happened , something I did not understood , something that was almost spiritual and electric . I distinctly remember what it felt like .. an instant connection so powerful , so real, so amazing almost magical , something I had never felt before , something I would never ever feel again .. something that felt like it came from another lifetime. But I was too young to define it , to know what it was , to even understand it in the most vague way . I didn't know what had happened but I felt it so deeply . It pierced right through my soul and thats the only way I can describe it best .

For the next many months and years to come I found that energy ,that spark everytime I was around this person . It was painful very very excruciatingly painful to say the least to constantly be around him , look at him , feel this way and not be able to do anything about it ., it was like a knife in the stomach that wouldn't go in or come out , just twist and turn when I saw or thought of him. I just didn't and couldn't do anything about it because I felt very inferior almost not -good-enough-for-him. More than that I couldn't understand what this strong emotion was all about . I was confused and found myself constantly reading about 'love' 'crush' 'infatuation' and trying to find a way to define what this was. What I could never do is tell him about these undefined feelings and try to find answers together because maybe I didn't have the courage or maybe deep down I had an idea of love that always had happy endings no matter what, THAT found its way , the bollywood notion that if its meant to be it will be ,all it had to be was real and it would happen . I was convinced this was real , I just wasn't convinced that I needed to do something about it myself . I found myself cry to sleep night after night . cry in the bus , cry everywhere cos it was almost physically painful to feel all that love and it be nothing at all .

Years passed by with me still in my vague sense of love story . painful  and more painful. Until I realised I was being a fool  . school was long over so was college , the feelings were still there , I hoped out of sight out of mind would work but it didn't .

I moved , first out of school , then out of country in hopes that this pain of being so deeply in love with someone who didn't even know about it ,will go away . Lots of guys came and went in the passage if life , from teens to twenties but none replaced that connection .. that connection that i didn't understand , that connection that I understood only years later ... to find out eventually that it was probably too late ... to understand eventually that it was my karmic debt - to be so deeply in love , to be so magically taken by someones presence , to finally know that this was the real deal and it came from another lifetime . And that is the only truth that makes sense . \

So why the pain ? why the tears ? - Only one answer - karmic debt .

Now I realise -what i felt in that split second moment in my teens  was a connection that i knew of deep down on a soul level . I couldn't explain it but now I can . This love story was never meant to be the way i thought it would because i had to go through all that pain , all that soul twisting journey to pay off the debt i collected from another lifetime . Sounds absolutely absurd , but i feel it .. just  as i feel the air on my face and i see the sun in the sky and the water in the rivers . Nothing is more true than the fact that i had debt collected that i had to pay off . I hurt this guy in a previous life . It was my souls journey to meet him again in this lifetime , go through all the emotions . The pain and life long ache .

I miss him every single moment of my life and that's how its going to be for the rest of my life , its my souls journey that I have to complete . I will be in love with him for the rest of my life .
I just pray that by the end of this life I get to meet him just once ,  and tell him I am sorry

heartbroken with a soul that's crushed in a million pieces , its time to move on and feel better once and for all

I need to talk to myself .. yes it has gotten to that .
I have for several years done too much back and forth , but I am tired now and i need peace . i dont want all that baggage anymore . I am really really tired . So here's my plan :
Stop crying over stuff
believe it will happen
stop talking but most of all thinking about it
18,000 mala or 125,000 mantra lekhan
dhun dhun and lots of dhun
stay positive
deadline march 7th 2016

But i cannot do what I have done for so many years ...  crib cry and accept . This time it will be forget , pray , expect .