Chapter 1

 On a regular school morning I was told there were twins in class . As I took down their names .. I turned around to see who the new boy was .. He was in the far  back on the left I was at the right most front corner . the min my eyes locked on him I felt something pierce right through  my soul.  Never felt anything like that before . intense  . Powerful, surreal .. a moment I didn’t make much of right then but got etched in my soul for many many years to come . It was just that ., a moment in time that split my life into what it was befor and what it was after 

Before I knew I saw myself walk straight to the guy , pretty tongue tied .. I asked him a stupid qs .. the spelling of his name and bumped myself to the desk .. that’s when I woke up from the trance I had got in when I looked at him for the very first time in my life 

Who was he ? Nobody , nothing ever made me feel like that ever again . I do believe this kind of thing struck a human only once and changed them forever . 

Since that moment .. every single time he and I were in the same space I felt no one else around . The energy was constant and  almost electric . I do not know how I functioned with him around . It went on for 3 straight yrs until I couldn’t bear it anymore and left school.

It was painful. I found myself crying , a LOT . It hurt . A LOT . I couldn’t figure why .. I had read about it .. had no clue whatsoever .

He went to AFMC , I went to GDC 

 By now most of my close friends knew about him and one of them told him about it .  I sent him cards / notes ..  . I tried to stay in touch with him .. how could I not ? I truly believed that somehow we will find our way to each other .At that point that’s all that made sense .. I thought if this is how true love felt then there was no way we wouldn’t 

Honestly I didn’t even know him except that we went to school together .. took a bunch of classes together , went to some school competitions together , other than that we were not even friends , we didn’t know each other socially outside of school. But he was the nicest guy ever , super helpful and full of kindness .I didn’t know one person in school who spoke badly of him . He was popular 

Life went on. 

 Later after grad I found his email and wrote him emails to which he responded with so much decency. I do not remember why I stopped emailing him after a while , I know he didn’t stop responding.he was now posted somewhere far. 

Meanwhile .. I met more guys . I went through multiple betrayals . I was jilted . I was lied to . I was also manipulated and abused .. and then after all that I found him again .. I do not remember how I got his number but I did .. then one night at 12 am on his birthday I called him .. 10 yrs after seeing him for the very last time .. it was magical .. I felt like I will stop breathing when I heard his voice .. I remember him being mesmerized by my voice .. he couldn’t recognize it and when I told him who I was he seemed so pleasantly surprised .. he promised to call me in the morning . I went to bed ecstatic 

We spoke again .. I don’t remember the content I just remember how I felt .. like I was flying . It was the best day of my life . 

After that we chatted several times but nothing moved forward . Then I decided to go meet him and tell him how crazy I was about him . After al the betrayals I had been through this made total sense . 

Something stopped me . Always. I kept saying it was my integrity , it wasn’t .. 

I kept saying a friend of mine stopped me .. she didn’t , she only said what I wanted to hear . I wanted to hear someone say that this wasn’t going to work .. 

I mingled with friends  I was confused and didn’t know what to do . He had never made a move other than simply be nice to me at all times . Other than somehow be in touch  , through friends , through emails , , through occasional calls and google chats and then through social media 

still used to cry a lot for him . I told another common friend of my feelings for him and she told me to speak with him that he won’t judge and he would only be nice to me .. but I didn’t , I couldn’t .. something always stopped me . 

And this time , I left the country . Heart broken and I left a piece of my heart behind . He and I would’ve never worked and I never understood why but I felt it. In my bones .. both love and nothing .. I felt both in my bones 

Life went on , 10 days before my boards the same common friend told me he was getting married .. this time I felt nothing . I knew this day would come and the sooner it came the Better , she told me to talk to him .. 10 days before his wedding ? Also I had made my decision before I left India to never look back and i was going to hang tight to it . I do not remember if I cried .. I just remember some sense of relief . He got married 2 days befor my boards . I wrote a few poems and slept most part of the day on the day of his wedding .. it passed calmer than I imagined and so did my boards . I passed with flying colors so much so I got admission into dental school 

Meanwhile I got married .. I was happy .. He  was behind me and I was starting a new life .. it was over and there was a new beginning , I still did not know why ? I didn’t think much about it .. just buried that part of my life in a corner of my heart and decided to make new memories . He was gone .. just like that .. for several years I didn’t think about him 

There was more betrayal in my married life  . I looked past it . Had an adorable son .. life went by .. I forgot about him . On and off a thought came and died .. there was no place for him .. it was over .. 

then about 7-8 yrs after my marriage I started dreaming .. the same energy the same intense powerful emotion .. again and again and again .. over and over again . In the middle of the night , early mornings .. whenever .. strong .. I felt it in my bones ..  .. the exact same thing that I felt when I was 14-15 back in school , the same thing I felt that regular school morning , the very first time when I was 13 .. I felt all that in my dreams over and over again .. that moment replayed the exact same way .. Some of them took me back in time .. I felt like I was in some different space .. as crazy as it sounds .. and these dreams came absolutely from nowhere .. I had made zero contact with him .. had I not gone through this myself I would’nt have believed it .. that’s how insanely crazy they were .. 

.. and then I would wake up and realize it’s over . That same emotion that same memory that was long long buried was back . I ignored it .. but it was so intense I couldn’t . It was the same pain I felt when I was a teenager .. I wondered why I had to go through this alone when actually all this while there were two ppl in it .. driving back from work one evening I cried and cried .. why was the burden of this memory on me ? Why was the burden of this strong magical moment that passed me by so many years ago still on me when he was also equally a part of it … 20 yrs later this pain was back like it had never gone anywhere and I was just tired of being alone with it .. why was he not responsible for any of this .. with this turmoil in my head as I took a left turn I rammed my car into another car in front of me.

I was by myself that evening in my car . THAT was my wake up call .. what if my son had been in the car with me ? I was angry .. for the first time..  at ., him .. I didn’t understand anything . Never ever had I blamed him for anything .. today I did .. I was exhausted of this meaningless non existent relationship that was never even there but still just brought me so much unimaginable pain . 

I don’t think I dreamt of him after that accident or maybe I did but none so intense . I do know I decided I didn’t want to talk to him or tell him any of this , no matter how much I blamed him and held him responsible for this crazy , beyond my understanding situation . What I could control is how I reacted to these and I was going to try real hard to shake this off me , forget about it , bury it . Life at this point was a mess .. at work and in my head both .. I was tired .. this was 2018. I eventually decided to move closer to my husbands work place which I had refused to earlier . 

We moved a year later . 

He was on facebook . He would keep liking my pictures or posts , and commenting like any other person  very on and off . One fine day he texted me , I still don’t know how he had my number .. maybe we somehow ended up in the school Whatsapp group ? I can’t even figure out who had my -# for me to get added on that group cos I wasn’t in touch with anyone I was the only girl from my class in the group until He added his twin sis . Anyway the text was  a very non Chalant text about something I posted , it was a link . I responded .I think we texted some more about very casual stuff .  I told Nishi about it I don’t remember what she said. I knew this was going to mess with my brain so this time he left . The GOI passed an order for all military ppl to be off social media .It was finally his turn . My qs was partly answered .. in some sense atleast .. that of responsibility .. he left 

Life moved on . We were not in touch at all . I always had his number, maybe a bday wish here and there .No more communication. None . 

He was gone 

And then in my own life there was more betrayal coming. 

4 -5 yrs later A confession was made , about a horrific past .. right about the exact same timeline 2017-2018 when I got those dreams and had the temptation to contact him and never did . Someone else was also tempted to do something and they gave in .. unlike me . We had the exact same life questions  but one chose to be responsible and loyal and the other didn’t . 

At this point I felt a sense of nothing towards my husband . Just absolutely nothing. 

When I came to know of his act of betrayal ., I was deeply disappointed and sad . I was told by Kakaji  to raise my consciousness to sucha height that none of this mattered. And I told myself that’s exactly what I was going to . 

Interestingly Kakaji had told me in 2017 not to move closer to my husbands work place which actually led him to the acts of betrayal 

Why would Maharaj guide me wrongly ? No He wouldn’t and He didn’t . Maharaj also says in vachanamrut that He detested lust to the hugest degree ..that He doesn’t forgive lust , kaami purush ..  why then would He want me to stay , forgive .. move on .. unless this was something that my soul needed . Unless this ., was a big plan right from the beginning .. unless this was all connected .. from that regular morning in school . 

It’s becoming clear now .. all the things that did not make sense and all the things that did . Now I see why I always stopped .. why I never could .. why it was over even before it all began . Why I hurt . Why the only definition of love I ever felt was that of pain . Why I left , why he left . Why I felt love and he felt nothing .. 

I am still amazed . 

That moment in time , when something pierced right through my soul - I had met someone from my past life . I had made a connection with the person who was the purpose of my existence , this person was my PRARBDH ..  my souls work in this life . That could happen only once .. so it made sense .. that moment that I knew could happen just once ..  I was tied to it forever cos my soul was tied to it - from a past life . It all makes sense .. that powerful moment , the pain , the betrayals in relationships , those intense dreams .. it all comes together now .. 

 I can mistake it for love all I want , but all I have ever felt in his presence , in his absence .. is a deep PAIN that pierced right through my soul and  i feel it in my bones .. it’s a connection so deep .. so definite .. yet infinite and eternal . A part of me feels that he feels it too maybe not in the way that I do cos mine is of pain and his is of just being him 

I cried , not cos I felt deep love but cos I felt deep pain .. I could never tell him how I felt .. not cos I had too much self respect or integrity but because he felt nothing for me and I knew it .. deep down I felt it that he felt nothing .. that’s why when my friend told me this won’t work I believed her .. cos deep down I always knew that’s why I left the school and then the country .. he felt nothing for me just the same way as I felt nothing for the ones who betrayed me . Because I betrayed him and hurt him in my past life . I had to feel all that pain that I caused him in my past life .. I had to feel this intense misery every time I saw or thought of him . 

Every.single.time .  

This came together for me when I felt nothing . Felt nothing after my husbands betrayal towards me but that’s for another story 

I Always stopped myself from telling him my truth , from telling him how I felt because he was no longer responsible for any of it . He had been through what he needed to and now it was my turn . He could’ve loved me back and broken my heart in this life like I did to him in another  but he deserved a better life and he deserved real love unlike what I gave him when I had a chance . I got my chance and surely enough I blew it and now it’s just his turn to be happy and that’s why I left school , then country and when he started coming closer to me .. he left cos he is not meant to come in my way and I am not meant to come in his . I was only supposed to understand that I betrayed him like i was betrayed by someone , that I abused love and made him cry just like someone else abused love and made me cry in this life . Betrayal has been my life lesson , I have always known that .. never known why .. THIS.IS.WHY 

It all started from that one moment when I was 13 on regular school morning . 

Our paths can never cross . You never have to know I exist . You never have to know this powerful energy exists that I have felt before 

Jafar , I am deeply sorry that I didn’t love you when I had the chance. I am deeply sorry for the pain I caused you . I  am deeply sorry for the person I was , so undeserving of you .  

Your connection with me in this life is of pain nothing more nothing less 

But my regret doesn’t end here 

It only begins here 

I have to forgive my husband for the pain he put me through , for it was all for my souls journey to complete its cycle . I have to forgive him so he doesn’t go through what I went through in this life of mine . This soul cleansing has torn me apart . And if there were a way I would open my heart and show him how hard this is and how I wouldn’t wish it on anyone .. how painful this is . 

I have to find a way to fix what I wronged in my past life . I have to teach my husband to love truly cos that’s the only way it should be .

Never could I imagine how deeply intertwined my past and my present is and it all comes together so beautifully . 

The present became a window to the past , and the past will heal the present . 

Is the pain gone ? I don’t know 

Until next time .. 

To love , with love 

Forever , 

- M