Last week I had deep disappointment and regret and i prayed to Kakaji make him swaminarayan 

I was seeing only an only negative and couldn’t understand why I’m here 

I don’t make such direct prayers 

This was 16 Nov 

The next day nehu bhai messaged that santo wanted to come from padhramani 

I still didn’t understand but now I realize 

Maharaj giving sign He is so Pragat 

Kakaji is so great he listens and answers just like that .

I have my sign 

Thank you Maharaj 

Thank you Kakaji 

Thank you vashi bhai 

May I never forget this Divine grace 

 I loved love so much but love didn’t love me back and hence I could never find it no matter how hard I tried and now I feel like I’ve lost myself forever , the best part of my life is my child I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have him . 

I’m left deeply saddened and disappointed , heart broken and soul less . I’ve stopped believing in love , whatever I set out to find doesn’t exist or maybe it does but I couldn’t find it . I lost .

 Happy birthday J 

I miss you everyday but past few days and esp today I’ve missed u more 

Just wishing you the best of health and all possible happiness , may all your wishes come true 

The connection I feel with you defies time age distance and any kind of logic , it’s also pure and beyond my own understanding, and every time I think of you .. I feel that exact same ache in my heart like something pierces right through it.  

 My one true love - Aaruv 

 Can someone pls make me believe in love again ? 

 It’s hard to say what caused my indifference and it’s a multitude of things . This marriage hasn’t been what I thought it would be . I was put on a litmus paper test right from the start and I’ve been tested over and over ever since 

The parents in this marriage were very important right from the beginning , it was made very clear that I would always be secondary and the priority would be them . Ironically this was stated because the parents happiness was foremost yet years later they r still unhappy. 

There were cheating episodes , there were also humiliations and bad behavior towards me while being pregnant and then there were more cheating episodes 

When I found out about the last one a part of me died . And I felt nothing , just pure nothing . I may have been more shattered than I even knew but it was hard . I looked back at my life and couldn’t figure out what is it that I had done to deserve this .. I can only connect this to a past life karma but other than that I am clueless and I struggle 

 I don’t believe in love the way I did when I was younger or I don’t believe in at all . It’s a feeling of failure and huge disappointment . More disappointment than anything . I’m in this limbo 

I just don’t believe in love 

 I didn’t listen to Vashi uncle and I totally don’t want to listen to him again but guess how it turned out the first time .. I cannot afford for it to turn out even worse this time .. I just have to pull myself through this and hopefully it will get ok 

At work I focus on work and not on relationships 

At home also if I could focus on work rather than relationships it will work out but it’s hard . I just have to learn to sort out the emotional baggage 

 I don’t feel good today 

I didn’t make good decisions and some things just backfired off their own 

I hope to make better decisions moving forward 

Forgive me 

 What is going on with me . I feel an emptiness a loneliness grip me . Almost like constant cloud of sadness that just won’t go away . I feel like I can start crying at any min and am waiting to pick a fight . I don’t know why I feel like this 

I also feel like a fraud. I’ve been able to accomplish nothing . I am no longer motivated to go to the gym , or take swim lessons , finish the personal trainer lessons I signed up For, I’ve barely been able to help my child which is why I took time off . I just sit there not even doing proper bhajan or dhun the least I could do to justify my time . I am just wasting away precious hours being unproductive . 

Maybe it’s a good thing I’ll start work .. I’m hoping it is . 

This restless loneliness needs to end 

It’s going to be ok 

While I don’t know how but I know I’ll make the right decisions .. today is not a good day but tomm will be 

Thank god for tomorrows .. what would I do if there were no tomorrows 

Chapter 1

 On a regular school morning I was told there were twins in class . As I took down their names .. I turned around to see who the new boy was .. He was in the far  back on the left I was at the right most front corner . the min my eyes locked on him I felt something pierce right through  my soul.  Never felt anything like that before . intense  . Powerful, surreal .. a moment I didn’t make much of right then but got etched in my soul for many many years to come . It was just that ., a moment in time that split my life into what it was befor and what it was after 

Before I knew I saw myself walk straight to the guy , pretty tongue tied .. I asked him a stupid qs .. the spelling of his name and bumped myself to the desk .. that’s when I woke up from the trance I had got in when I looked at him for the very first time in my life 

Who was he ? Nobody , nothing ever made me feel like that ever again . I do believe this kind of thing struck a human only once and changed them forever . 

Since that moment .. every single time he and I were in the same space I felt no one else around . The energy was constant and  almost electric . I do not know how I functioned with him around . It went on for 3 straight yrs until I couldn’t bear it anymore and left school.

It was painful. I found myself crying , a LOT . It hurt . A LOT . I couldn’t figure why .. I had read about it .. had no clue whatsoever .

He went to AFMC , I went to GDC 

 By now most of my close friends knew about him and one of them told him about it .  I sent him cards / notes ..  . I tried to stay in touch with him .. how could I not ? I truly believed that somehow we will find our way to each other .At that point that’s all that made sense .. I thought if this is how true love felt then there was no way we wouldn’t 

Honestly I didn’t even know him except that we went to school together .. took a bunch of classes together , went to some school competitions together , other than that we were not even friends , we didn’t know each other socially outside of school. But he was the nicest guy ever , super helpful and full of kindness .I didn’t know one person in school who spoke badly of him . He was popular 

Life went on. 

 Later after grad I found his email and wrote him emails to which he responded with so much decency. I do not remember why I stopped emailing him after a while , I know he didn’t stop responding.he was now posted somewhere far. 

Meanwhile .. I met more guys . I went through multiple betrayals . I was jilted . I was lied to . I was also manipulated and abused .. and then after all that I found him again .. I do not remember how I got his number but I did .. then one night at 12 am on his birthday I called him .. 10 yrs after seeing him for the very last time .. it was magical .. I felt like I will stop breathing when I heard his voice .. I remember him being mesmerized by my voice .. he couldn’t recognize it and when I told him who I was he seemed so pleasantly surprised .. he promised to call me in the morning . I went to bed ecstatic 

We spoke again .. I don’t remember the content I just remember how I felt .. like I was flying . It was the best day of my life . 

After that we chatted several times but nothing moved forward . Then I decided to go meet him and tell him how crazy I was about him . After al the betrayals I had been through this made total sense . 

Something stopped me . Always. I kept saying it was my integrity , it wasn’t .. 

I kept saying a friend of mine stopped me .. she didn’t , she only said what I wanted to hear . I wanted to hear someone say that this wasn’t going to work .. 

I mingled with friends  I was confused and didn’t know what to do . He had never made a move other than simply be nice to me at all times . Other than somehow be in touch  , through friends , through emails , , through occasional calls and google chats and then through social media 

still used to cry a lot for him . I told another common friend of my feelings for him and she told me to speak with him that he won’t judge and he would only be nice to me .. but I didn’t , I couldn’t .. something always stopped me . 

And this time , I left the country . Heart broken and I left a piece of my heart behind . He and I would’ve never worked and I never understood why but I felt it. In my bones .. both love and nothing .. I felt both in my bones 

Life went on , 10 days before my boards the same common friend told me he was getting married .. this time I felt nothing . I knew this day would come and the sooner it came the Better , she told me to talk to him .. 10 days before his wedding ? Also I had made my decision before I left India to never look back and i was going to hang tight to it . I do not remember if I cried .. I just remember some sense of relief . He got married 2 days befor my boards . I wrote a few poems and slept most part of the day on the day of his wedding .. it passed calmer than I imagined and so did my boards . I passed with flying colors so much so I got admission into dental school 

Meanwhile I got married .. I was happy .. He  was behind me and I was starting a new life .. it was over and there was a new beginning , I still did not know why ? I didn’t think much about it .. just buried that part of my life in a corner of my heart and decided to make new memories . He was gone .. just like that .. for several years I didn’t think about him 

There was more betrayal in my married life  . I looked past it . Had an adorable son .. life went by .. I forgot about him . On and off a thought came and died .. there was no place for him .. it was over .. 

then about 7-8 yrs after my marriage I started dreaming .. the same energy the same intense powerful emotion .. again and again and again .. over and over again . In the middle of the night , early mornings .. whenever .. strong .. I felt it in my bones ..  .. the exact same thing that I felt when I was 14-15 back in school , the same thing I felt that regular school morning , the very first time when I was 13 .. I felt all that in my dreams over and over again .. that moment replayed the exact same way .. Some of them took me back in time .. I felt like I was in some different space .. as crazy as it sounds .. and these dreams came absolutely from nowhere .. I had made zero contact with him .. had I not gone through this myself I would’nt have believed it .. that’s how insanely crazy they were .. 

.. and then I would wake up and realize it’s over . That same emotion that same memory that was long long buried was back . I ignored it .. but it was so intense I couldn’t . It was the same pain I felt when I was a teenager .. I wondered why I had to go through this alone when actually all this while there were two ppl in it .. driving back from work one evening I cried and cried .. why was the burden of this memory on me ? Why was the burden of this strong magical moment that passed me by so many years ago still on me when he was also equally a part of it … 20 yrs later this pain was back like it had never gone anywhere and I was just tired of being alone with it .. why was he not responsible for any of this .. with this turmoil in my head as I took a left turn I rammed my car into another car in front of me.

I was by myself that evening in my car . THAT was my wake up call .. what if my son had been in the car with me ? I was angry .. for the first time..  at ., him .. I didn’t understand anything . Never ever had I blamed him for anything .. today I did .. I was exhausted of this meaningless non existent relationship that was never even there but still just brought me so much unimaginable pain . 

I don’t think I dreamt of him after that accident or maybe I did but none so intense . I do know I decided I didn’t want to talk to him or tell him any of this , no matter how much I blamed him and held him responsible for this crazy , beyond my understanding situation . What I could control is how I reacted to these and I was going to try real hard to shake this off me , forget about it , bury it . Life at this point was a mess .. at work and in my head both .. I was tired .. this was 2018. I eventually decided to move closer to my husbands work place which I had refused to earlier . 

We moved a year later . 

He was on facebook . He would keep liking my pictures or posts , and commenting like any other person  very on and off . One fine day he texted me , I still don’t know how he had my number .. maybe we somehow ended up in the school Whatsapp group ? I can’t even figure out who had my -# for me to get added on that group cos I wasn’t in touch with anyone I was the only girl from my class in the group until He added his twin sis . Anyway the text was  a very non Chalant text about something I posted , it was a link . I responded .I think we texted some more about very casual stuff .  I told Nishi about it I don’t remember what she said. I knew this was going to mess with my brain so this time he left . The GOI passed an order for all military ppl to be off social media .It was finally his turn . My qs was partly answered .. in some sense atleast .. that of responsibility .. he left 

Life moved on . We were not in touch at all . I always had his number, maybe a bday wish here and there .No more communication. None . 

He was gone 

And then in my own life there was more betrayal coming. 

4 -5 yrs later A confession was made , about a horrific past .. right about the exact same timeline 2017-2018 when I got those dreams and had the temptation to contact him and never did . Someone else was also tempted to do something and they gave in .. unlike me . We had the exact same life questions  but one chose to be responsible and loyal and the other didn’t . 

At this point I felt a sense of nothing towards my husband . Just absolutely nothing. 

When I came to know of his act of betrayal ., I was deeply disappointed and sad . I was told by Kakaji  to raise my consciousness to sucha height that none of this mattered. And I told myself that’s exactly what I was going to . 

Interestingly Kakaji had told me in 2017 not to move closer to my husbands work place which actually led him to the acts of betrayal 

Why would Maharaj guide me wrongly ? No He wouldn’t and He didn’t . Maharaj also says in vachanamrut that He detested lust to the hugest degree ..that He doesn’t forgive lust , kaami purush ..  why then would He want me to stay , forgive .. move on .. unless this was something that my soul needed . Unless this ., was a big plan right from the beginning .. unless this was all connected .. from that regular morning in school . 

It’s becoming clear now .. all the things that did not make sense and all the things that did . Now I see why I always stopped .. why I never could .. why it was over even before it all began . Why I hurt . Why the only definition of love I ever felt was that of pain . Why I left , why he left . Why I felt love and he felt nothing .. 

I am still amazed . 

That moment in time , when something pierced right through my soul - I had met someone from my past life . I had made a connection with the person who was the purpose of my existence , this person was my PRARBDH ..  my souls work in this life . That could happen only once .. so it made sense .. that moment that I knew could happen just once ..  I was tied to it forever cos my soul was tied to it - from a past life . It all makes sense .. that powerful moment , the pain , the betrayals in relationships , those intense dreams .. it all comes together now .. 

 I can mistake it for love all I want , but all I have ever felt in his presence , in his absence .. is a deep PAIN that pierced right through my soul and  i feel it in my bones .. it’s a connection so deep .. so definite .. yet infinite and eternal . A part of me feels that he feels it too maybe not in the way that I do cos mine is of pain and his is of just being him 

I cried , not cos I felt deep love but cos I felt deep pain .. I could never tell him how I felt .. not cos I had too much self respect or integrity but because he felt nothing for me and I knew it .. deep down I felt it that he felt nothing .. that’s why when my friend told me this won’t work I believed her .. cos deep down I always knew that’s why I left the school and then the country .. he felt nothing for me just the same way as I felt nothing for the ones who betrayed me . Because I betrayed him and hurt him in my past life . I had to feel all that pain that I caused him in my past life .. I had to feel this intense misery every time I saw or thought of him . 

Every.single.time .  

This came together for me when I felt nothing . Felt nothing after my husbands betrayal towards me but that’s for another story 

I Always stopped myself from telling him my truth , from telling him how I felt because he was no longer responsible for any of it . He had been through what he needed to and now it was my turn . He could’ve loved me back and broken my heart in this life like I did to him in another  but he deserved a better life and he deserved real love unlike what I gave him when I had a chance . I got my chance and surely enough I blew it and now it’s just his turn to be happy and that’s why I left school , then country and when he started coming closer to me .. he left cos he is not meant to come in my way and I am not meant to come in his . I was only supposed to understand that I betrayed him like i was betrayed by someone , that I abused love and made him cry just like someone else abused love and made me cry in this life . Betrayal has been my life lesson , I have always known that .. never known why .. THIS.IS.WHY 

It all started from that one moment when I was 13 on regular school morning . 

Our paths can never cross . You never have to know I exist . You never have to know this powerful energy exists that I have felt before 

Jafar , I am deeply sorry that I didn’t love you when I had the chance. I am deeply sorry for the pain I caused you . I  am deeply sorry for the person I was , so undeserving of you .  

Your connection with me in this life is of pain nothing more nothing less 

But my regret doesn’t end here 

It only begins here 

I have to forgive my husband for the pain he put me through , for it was all for my souls journey to complete its cycle . I have to forgive him so he doesn’t go through what I went through in this life of mine . This soul cleansing has torn me apart . And if there were a way I would open my heart and show him how hard this is and how I wouldn’t wish it on anyone .. how painful this is . 

I have to find a way to fix what I wronged in my past life . I have to teach my husband to love truly cos that’s the only way it should be .

Never could I imagine how deeply intertwined my past and my present is and it all comes together so beautifully . 

The present became a window to the past , and the past will heal the present . 

Is the pain gone ? I don’t know 

Until next time .. 

To love , with love 

Forever , 

- M 

Poop

 The most wonderful thing that u think exists and you want it and hope some day it’s urs and u dream that how great everything will be when u get it . And u Lee dreaming about it and then one day u get it .. but it really isn’t that amazing it’s just as good as poop . 

That’s just how ridiculous our wants are .. no good .. nothing .. whatever we think will make us happy ,. It won’t 

प्रारब्ध

 I am so sorry Kakaji , Vashi uncle . 

I let you down. 

I married someone who has no discipline , control or moral values . A selfish person who only knows how to point fingers at others and that’s how he justifies his shortcomings - by blaming others 

I am so hugely disappointed. I have also let myself down . 

Pls Kakaji .. wipe out my प्रारब्ध  now , pls 

Take me to where you want me to be . Make me who you want me to be .But I’m tired of living this lie .pls forgive me 🙏 pls shower your kindness on me . Pls help me .. I am sorry 

Patience

When Kakaji has been so kind so many times and I have felt like He has held my hand and guided me ..led me to where I need to go , heard my prayers even before I have said them then I should also understand  the situations that seem adverse are also part of His grand plan and I must have patience 

Patience is hard to come, also because we fail to remind ourselves of the good blessings , we are selfish we want everything .. but we get a little and the rest we have to patiently wait for , pray for .. toil for .. tapasya 

Vashi uncle wrote to me once “ itna kiya hain , aaage bhi Karenge” how very true 🙏 

“Saacha prem , bhagwat bhaav , Paaki nishtha”

In my quest for finding love here is what I have found 

That there really is no greater love than the love for God 

Happy Ganesh Chaturthi 

Answers

 And after penning that dhun is the only answer I ask the qs : how do I rid myself of the constant worry that I now seem to have every single moment of my life .

Certain truths unveiled themselves in past few months and they weigh upon me so much. I do not want to fail myself but the status Quo is not the answer 

For life to go on this anxiety has to go 

For the anxiety to go I have to act 

For me to act I have to get out of my comfort zone 

But getting out of the comfort zone builds more anxiety 

Maybe the anxiety is then a step in the right direction 

Amen. 

Dhun

 Dhun is the only answer 

Dang !!

 Dang! 

I read through my blog of several yrs ago and I actually still like the person I was , hopefully in 10 years I will continue to like who I  am today 

I don’t know but I gotta keep myself alive just who I was , who I am and not change too much no matter what’s thrown at me 

It’s all good 👍 

 It’s amazing 

God plan 

It’s perfect and clear 

We don’t understand it because it’s hard. He knows us , our lives our challenges not just right now but past and future . Stop coming in His way 

Yogi Bapa - पात्र भी मैं गढ़ूँगा भ्रमरस  भी मैं करूँगा तुम बस ना पड़े रहना 

that's it we just have to hang in there 

No questions asked whatsoever 

He knows and that’s enough ! 

Truth

 Truth exists even when nobody knows about it.Just because it’s hidden doesn’t mean it’s gone . The mere existence of it is dreadful enough for many to do things they shouldn’t , that’s how powerful truth is . The measures one has to take to hide the truth sometimes are so immense that they forget they can only hide it not eliminate it cos the truth doesn’t go anywhere .. it’s alway there no matter what one does . 

We have to choose if we want to live in fear or in truth and without a doubt the latter is a liberating experience