I am very disappointed with myself but now I will meet myself here 18,000 Malas later 

When you are younger the most important thing about a relationship is love , then as u grow it becomes trust .. as u grow deeper and deeper in relationships the most imp thing is no longer either love or trust .. its just forgiveness

Having said that , i am struggling . I see people who most definitely wronged other people being exonerated . Their karma not getting them , at least not right now in front of me . In fact it is exactly the other way round , they are having the best lives and the best times and a part of me is very frustrated because obviously i cANT do anything . And whatever it is that i can do , i don't want to .Because i chose to be on the path of peace and not on the path of revenge , hatred and resentment. So if i chose this path why am i struggling . Maybe because i have not whole heartedly forgiven . Because deep down i still hope bad things happen to these ppl . I truly have not let go .

I tried

Losing you will hurt forever
You weren’t mine to begin with
But it’s always the same pain
Nothings changed
But I know now
This is not my regret
It’s still my pain
I thought I failed me
I didn’t
I tried maybe not hard enough so I thought
But I was wrong
I did what I could
I just didn’t lose myself
This just isn’t my regret anymore
I need to let go , but it’s so hard
So painful
It kills me
It kills me
To know , I loved this deeply
There are times I just don’t want to
But it’s beyond me
Helpless , powerless
I can’t let go cos it’s not my choice anymore
There is no closure
Never will be
I hate my life sometimes
I hate love sometimes
Cos the only thing love ever meant for me is pain
Tears
And more pain
But this
Is never going to be my regret
I tried

Debt

I couldn't understand  for years together the karmic  debt I carried. iI never understood what happened several years ago . In that one moment life changed forever. It started a process of cleansing which is something I failed to understand .

I kept going with my notion of love . Kept believing in true love ,if what I felt was real it would be in my life but I was too naive and immature to understand anything about karma , and thats what this whole challenge was about .

I was in my early teens and the minute I set my eyes on him something powerful happened , something I did not understood , something that was almost spiritual and electric . I distinctly remember what it felt like .. an instant connection so powerful , so real, so amazing almost magical , something I had never felt before , something I would never ever feel again .. something that felt like it came from another lifetime. But I was too young to define it , to know what it was , to even understand it in the most vague way . I didn't know what had happened but I felt it so deeply . It pierced right through my soul and thats the only way I can describe it best .

For the next many months and years to come I found that energy ,that spark everytime I was around this person . It was painful very very excruciatingly painful to say the least to constantly be around him , look at him , feel this way and not be able to do anything about it ., it was like a knife in the stomach that wouldn't go in or come out , just twist and turn when I saw or thought of him. I just didn't and couldn't do anything about it because I felt very inferior almost not -good-enough-for-him. More than that I couldn't understand what this strong emotion was all about . I was confused and found myself constantly reading about 'love' 'crush' 'infatuation' and trying to find a way to define what this was. What I could never do is tell him about these undefined feelings and try to find answers together because maybe I didn't have the courage or maybe deep down I had an idea of love that always had happy endings no matter what, THAT found its way , the bollywood notion that if its meant to be it will be ,all it had to be was real and it would happen . I was convinced this was real , I just wasn't convinced that I needed to do something about it myself . I found myself cry to sleep night after night . cry in the bus , cry everywhere cos it was almost physically painful to feel all that love and it be nothing at all .

Years passed by with me still in my vague sense of love story . painful  and more painful. Until I realised I was being a fool  . school was long over so was college , the feelings were still there , I hoped out of sight out of mind would work but it didn't .

I moved , first out of school , then out of country in hopes that this pain of being so deeply in love with someone who didn't even know about it ,will go away . Lots of guys came and went in the passage if life , from teens to twenties but none replaced that connection .. that connection that i didn't understand , that connection that I understood only years later ... to find out eventually that it was probably too late ... to understand eventually that it was my karmic debt - to be so deeply in love , to be so magically taken by someones presence , to finally know that this was the real deal and it came from another lifetime . And that is the only truth that makes sense . \

So why the pain ? why the tears ? - Only one answer - karmic debt .

Now I realise -what i felt in that split second moment in my teens  was a connection that i knew of deep down on a soul level . I couldn't explain it but now I can . This love story was never meant to be the way i thought it would because i had to go through all that pain , all that soul twisting journey to pay off the debt i collected from another lifetime . Sounds absolutely absurd , but i feel it .. just  as i feel the air on my face and i see the sun in the sky and the water in the rivers . Nothing is more true than the fact that i had debt collected that i had to pay off . I hurt this guy in a previous life . It was my souls journey to meet him again in this lifetime , go through all the emotions . The pain and life long ache .

I miss him every single moment of my life and that's how its going to be for the rest of my life , its my souls journey that I have to complete . I will be in love with him for the rest of my life .
I just pray that by the end of this life I get to meet him just once ,  and tell him I am sorry

heartbroken with a soul that's crushed in a million pieces , its time to move on and feel better once and for all

I need to talk to myself .. yes it has gotten to that .
I have for several years done too much back and forth , but I am tired now and i need peace . i dont want all that baggage anymore . I am really really tired . So here's my plan :
Stop crying over stuff
believe it will happen
stop talking but most of all thinking about it
18,000 mala or 125,000 mantra lekhan
dhun dhun and lots of dhun
stay positive
deadline march 7th 2016

But i cannot do what I have done for so many years ...  crib cry and accept . This time it will be forget , pray , expect .

i am feeling so unhappy today .. and i am telling myself to rejoice in this unhappiness because something beautiful is being built inside of me by burning all the bad .. my ego .
I know and believe beautiful things will happen . she cannot steal all the happiness .. I feel sorry for her .. she has lived her entire life on an ego trip , absorbed in her pride , manipulating everything an everybody only to feed her false ego and insecurities . I am 30 yrs younger than her and am able to see right through her .

I believe in my goodness and honesty enough to know that there is no way than up for me .. and no way but down for her .

The battle lines are drawn and this time i am not going to anybody.. not to my husband or anyone .. but to the one who makes all the decisions for everyone . 

I feel terrible .. Very very terrible today . I cannot get over the unfairness of this world . It isnt a fair place to live in , but this is what we got . I feel helpless , very helpless not knowing what to do . Mean and bad people get there way , decent people bear the brunt .. Suffer and are unhappy .. I am heartbroken at the unfairness of it all really .

I pray and want it to be ok soon. I hate feeling lonely and sad .. I hope the Gods up there bring some fairness in this world soon . 

Its that time again ..pray n wait . Its coming . What I have been praying to avert for few months is here .. Or almost here .. I have been feeling very stressed and have been telling myself that i need to have some faith here . That it is going to be ok somehow . He is going to look out for me .

Its odd , very odd .. There is no permanent solution and I dont even know how and what to pray for one .. Im scared , very scared .

Imbalance .

I read somewhere that God meets your needs in unexpected ways .. I hope he does . 

Its been 5.5 months ,.. My bundle of joy is called Aaruv .. Needless to say motherhood brought with it all the challenges and a lot of love . Thank you little one , you dont even know what you mean to me . :)) 

Leela

So Vashi Bhai said 7/7 .. Its almost 8 pm and there is no sign of baby yet . I am more stressed about him coming today than what the whole process will be . So what does that highlight to me .. Lack of shraddha .. Doubt ... Damn .. So many years and still doubt ?

He might just come at 11.59 and make it on time .. Im being stupid ...

When Vashi Bhai says ... It happens ... I dont know how ... But it does ... How is it going to happen today ... I dont know .... Just 4 hours remaining .. And no signs of labor whatsoever ... And I am worried but I shouldnt be ... I should just sit back , relax and watch the "prabhu ki leela"

Im smiling Vashi Bhai ... Im not getting fooled this time .. I almost did .. All throughout the day ... Not anymore ... I dont know how You will do it ... But You will. The baby will come 7/7

Irony

Been almost 6 months since i wrote anything at all . Too much has changed in the past few months .. The irony of life can stare at you so much sometimes that its hard to tell whats real and what isnt.
There's beautiful or rather the most beautiful things happening to me right now .. Precious little being coming into this world in the next 5-6 days .. Someone I will love cherish protect and care for the rest of my life .. Till whenever i live ... The most amazing thing is going to happen , has already happened and is only going to meet me in 6 days or so ..the feeling is over wehlming and then on the other side there is this other thing that saddens me immensely , unfortunate , i am heart broken .. Completely heart broken .. Almost shattered at being told another thing by someone very close .. Something heartless .. Cold and not involving any emotions at all . Lack of compassion lack of any feelings completely . Someone you thought cared for you , loved you and supported you ,alas didnt !

Life shows me two sides at the exact same time : extreme excitement and happiness at welcoming my son that has been growing inside me for that past 9 months and will be here on july 7th according to my Guru's prediction.Extreme remorse and sadness at knowing that there are people in this world you thought otherwise about who have no compassion ,love ,affection and who will let you go for no fault of yours .

So now the decision is left to me .. Which one do i want to make the core and centre of my life for the next few days . God here has given me both happiness and sadness .. What do i want to embrace ? The happiness of having a precious bundle of joy in my arms in the next few days , the sadness of knowing that someone didnt care .

A few days ago i was at the hospital parking lot ,,, i was crying cos i was alone ... While i walked through the parking lot i realized i wasnt alone .. It was me and my baby .. Both of us together there ... We had each other . We probably will for a long time

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement .. I am shook up , deeply saddened and angry at two incidents that have occurred in the past few days .. Barbaric acts committed by human beings .. Or should I say animals .. Killing 20 small kids , and rape of a 23 yr old . And innumerable times I remind myself this is Kalyug but still cannot get used to this . 

As my husband correctly said women are taught how to protect themselves from not getting raped but men are not taught to not rape. Men need to really start respecting women , in the form of a mother , daughter , sister , friend and maybe just as women .. For what they bring to the world , there is a serious lack of what women mean to men .. Things .. Objects .. Of desire , of ones who take care of their homes , not as human beings with feelings .. Not as equals .. They considered weak ,inferior ,someone who can be used as a doormat and kicked to the curb when their use is over . Men need to change and that job somehow lies with mothers . 

20 kids and 6 adults died .. Killed with bullets ... Noone knows yet why .. It had to be a sick mind .. Couldnt be anything else that could commit such a heinous crime .. Guns , mental mind set and upbringing ... We failed at 3 levels and the cost was 20 young lives 

We are repeatedly failing ourselves as a society and all i can do is close my eyes and pray for better sense to prevail

I don't believe in karma because i read about it in books or i heard about it from others but because i have lived it . It is a full circle .. things i didn't realize why .. about 10 years back i know now. Questions that remained unanswered are clear now .

Here's a little story...

She was 14 years old when she laid eyes on this really nice looking guy ( at least she thought he was) and knew there was a connection .. had no idea what that connection meant .. why it was there , what it was .. but there was something out there she hadn't felt before .. something new , exciting .. a bond .. no idea absolutely what .She used to read about it in books ,see it in the movies .. never did she know what it possibly could be . At that time she kept on asking herself .. is this love ? is this real love ? no clue . She spent the next 14 years of her life feeling so madly in love .. deeply connected .. strongly crazily wanting to be with this guy but it wasn't going to happen , either she didn't have the courage or this pain had now become a part of her life and she had started liking this pain she felt .. and somehow realized that she was born to go through this pain .. she had to finish this .. something she started in some other lifetime ... i don't think she was a coward .. telling him how she felt was not really that difficult .. but in some ways she owed him this pain . She went through sleepless nights , crying and hurting miserably . This was her karma .. had she told him about her love for him , made him realize that the two of them were meant to be together .. she probably would have had to come back in another life to complete the circle of pain she had started. She had hurt him in another life and only he could come back and make her feel all that all over again. She had hurt him so much that they could no longer be together , they only had to pay their dues to each other and move on with different people , people who would bring peace in their lives .

Only if she could say how sorry she felt to him .. instead of feeling it everyday . Maybe she would stop dreaming about him .. but thats karma .. it had nothing to do with love anymore ..but with feeling of remorse , guilt and humility.

I am sorry . And I hope I am done with the pain I owed you.

I have realized it doesn't go anywhere .. it all comes back .. be good .. very good to everyone .. it is going to come and get you .. Karma .

Laws and rules done too .. That was the last exam i had to take to get the Florida license .. I will have my license no. in a week or two .. Licensed to practice in the state of Florida .. finally !
It has been a long journey , from the day i started studying for my boards back in jan of 2009 .. But the real deal is starting now ..
I am going to be the writer of my story and this time i want to make no mistakes .

God be with me :) 

September is almost over and we are racing towards the 10th month of the year , every year as october approaches i start awaiting the new year .. this year is flying by so fast .. on a side note someone made a very special prediction .. *winks and smiles*

It is going to be a beautiful 2013 , i can't wait :)

My Husband asked me today , why people blog .. i don't know why people blog but i blog cos it helps me relate to my core , remind me who I was yesterday , who I am today and both those reminders are necessary to know who I will be tomorrow . So that i never lose touch with myself , my beliefs and my values . Its a place where I speak fearlessly , , its the best source of expression I have .. in some ways defines who I am , it gives my freedom to just be me in a world where that is the toughest thing to do . My blog keeps me going in times when i have noone to hang on to , yes it has uplifted my spirits innumerable times and i am glad i blog :)

That feeling you get sometimes .. You dont understand what it is at the time .. You cant figure out what is it that is making you feel so sad , blue .. Its just a sixth sense .. That something is wrong or something is going to go wrong .. I tried to dismiss it .. I truely did ;telling myself i was being stupid ..  Blood is thicker than water .. Apparently not

I hate today .. I have dreaded today .. Always .. I hoped it wouldnt come , atleast not in my life .. I probably dont have enough tears that can even flow out to somehow lessen the pain i feel inside .

I am sorry .. I wish i knew how to fix this , sadly i dont .. But i still love you a million times over 

P.P. Vashi Uncle  '' Bhagwaan Bhakta ka hain , lekin bhagwaan 11.59 ko kaam karta hain ''

totally agree :)

Also I passed NERBS , so now I am certified by two different boards to practice in the US . I was happy . I say 'was' cos the happiness lasted only until I was told that I should work towards a post grad or at least think about it.

It has been a long road this far . I never wanted to study any further after my BDS . I did this because there really was no choice , i had to do a DDS to work here . I really do not see myself have much inclination towards doing any more studying . My goals , unfortunately small , have been accomplished .

Maybe I just want very simple things in life and thats why when I am told why I should do a post grad I am unable to see how it will help me achieve those simple things  , to be honest that will only come in the way of achieving those simple things .