I need to talk to myself .. yes it has gotten to that .
I have for several years done too much back and forth , but I am tired now and i need peace . i dont want all that baggage anymore . I am really really tired . So here's my plan :
Stop crying over stuff
believe it will happen
stop talking but most of all thinking about it
18,000 mala or 125,000 mantra lekhan
dhun dhun and lots of dhun
stay positive
deadline march 7th 2016

But i cannot do what I have done for so many years ...  crib cry and accept . This time it will be forget , pray , expect .

i am feeling so unhappy today .. and i am telling myself to rejoice in this unhappiness because something beautiful is being built inside of me by burning all the bad .. my ego .
I know and believe beautiful things will happen . she cannot steal all the happiness .. I feel sorry for her .. she has lived her entire life on an ego trip , absorbed in her pride , manipulating everything an everybody only to feed her false ego and insecurities . I am 30 yrs younger than her and am able to see right through her .

I believe in my goodness and honesty enough to know that there is no way than up for me .. and no way but down for her .

The battle lines are drawn and this time i am not going to anybody.. not to my husband or anyone .. but to the one who makes all the decisions for everyone . 

I feel terrible .. Very very terrible today . I cannot get over the unfairness of this world . It isnt a fair place to live in , but this is what we got . I feel helpless , very helpless not knowing what to do . Mean and bad people get there way , decent people bear the brunt .. Suffer and are unhappy .. I am heartbroken at the unfairness of it all really .

I pray and want it to be ok soon. I hate feeling lonely and sad .. I hope the Gods up there bring some fairness in this world soon . 

Its that time again ..pray n wait . Its coming . What I have been praying to avert for few months is here .. Or almost here .. I have been feeling very stressed and have been telling myself that i need to have some faith here . That it is going to be ok somehow . He is going to look out for me .

Its odd , very odd .. There is no permanent solution and I dont even know how and what to pray for one .. Im scared , very scared .

Imbalance .

I read somewhere that God meets your needs in unexpected ways .. I hope he does . 

Its been 5.5 months ,.. My bundle of joy is called Aaruv .. Needless to say motherhood brought with it all the challenges and a lot of love . Thank you little one , you dont even know what you mean to me . :)) 

Leela

So Vashi Bhai said 7/7 .. Its almost 8 pm and there is no sign of baby yet . I am more stressed about him coming today than what the whole process will be . So what does that highlight to me .. Lack of shraddha .. Doubt ... Damn .. So many years and still doubt ?

He might just come at 11.59 and make it on time .. Im being stupid ...

When Vashi Bhai says ... It happens ... I dont know how ... But it does ... How is it going to happen today ... I dont know .... Just 4 hours remaining .. And no signs of labor whatsoever ... And I am worried but I shouldnt be ... I should just sit back , relax and watch the "prabhu ki leela"

Im smiling Vashi Bhai ... Im not getting fooled this time .. I almost did .. All throughout the day ... Not anymore ... I dont know how You will do it ... But You will. The baby will come 7/7

Irony

Been almost 6 months since i wrote anything at all . Too much has changed in the past few months .. The irony of life can stare at you so much sometimes that its hard to tell whats real and what isnt.
There's beautiful or rather the most beautiful things happening to me right now .. Precious little being coming into this world in the next 5-6 days .. Someone I will love cherish protect and care for the rest of my life .. Till whenever i live ... The most amazing thing is going to happen , has already happened and is only going to meet me in 6 days or so ..the feeling is over wehlming and then on the other side there is this other thing that saddens me immensely , unfortunate , i am heart broken .. Completely heart broken .. Almost shattered at being told another thing by someone very close .. Something heartless .. Cold and not involving any emotions at all . Lack of compassion lack of any feelings completely . Someone you thought cared for you , loved you and supported you ,alas didnt !

Life shows me two sides at the exact same time : extreme excitement and happiness at welcoming my son that has been growing inside me for that past 9 months and will be here on july 7th according to my Guru's prediction.Extreme remorse and sadness at knowing that there are people in this world you thought otherwise about who have no compassion ,love ,affection and who will let you go for no fault of yours .

So now the decision is left to me .. Which one do i want to make the core and centre of my life for the next few days . God here has given me both happiness and sadness .. What do i want to embrace ? The happiness of having a precious bundle of joy in my arms in the next few days , the sadness of knowing that someone didnt care .

A few days ago i was at the hospital parking lot ,,, i was crying cos i was alone ... While i walked through the parking lot i realized i wasnt alone .. It was me and my baby .. Both of us together there ... We had each other . We probably will for a long time

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement .. I am shook up , deeply saddened and angry at two incidents that have occurred in the past few days .. Barbaric acts committed by human beings .. Or should I say animals .. Killing 20 small kids , and rape of a 23 yr old . And innumerable times I remind myself this is Kalyug but still cannot get used to this . 

As my husband correctly said women are taught how to protect themselves from not getting raped but men are not taught to not rape. Men need to really start respecting women , in the form of a mother , daughter , sister , friend and maybe just as women .. For what they bring to the world , there is a serious lack of what women mean to men .. Things .. Objects .. Of desire , of ones who take care of their homes , not as human beings with feelings .. Not as equals .. They considered weak ,inferior ,someone who can be used as a doormat and kicked to the curb when their use is over . Men need to change and that job somehow lies with mothers . 

20 kids and 6 adults died .. Killed with bullets ... Noone knows yet why .. It had to be a sick mind .. Couldnt be anything else that could commit such a heinous crime .. Guns , mental mind set and upbringing ... We failed at 3 levels and the cost was 20 young lives 

We are repeatedly failing ourselves as a society and all i can do is close my eyes and pray for better sense to prevail

I don't believe in karma because i read about it in books or i heard about it from others but because i have lived it . It is a full circle .. things i didn't realize why .. about 10 years back i know now. Questions that remained unanswered are clear now .

Here's a little story...

She was 14 years old when she laid eyes on this really nice looking guy ( at least she thought he was) and knew there was a connection .. had no idea what that connection meant .. why it was there , what it was .. but there was something out there she hadn't felt before .. something new , exciting .. a bond .. no idea absolutely what .She used to read about it in books ,see it in the movies .. never did she know what it possibly could be . At that time she kept on asking herself .. is this love ? is this real love ? no clue . She spent the next 14 years of her life feeling so madly in love .. deeply connected .. strongly crazily wanting to be with this guy but it wasn't going to happen , either she didn't have the courage or this pain had now become a part of her life and she had started liking this pain she felt .. and somehow realized that she was born to go through this pain .. she had to finish this .. something she started in some other lifetime ... i don't think she was a coward .. telling him how she felt was not really that difficult .. but in some ways she owed him this pain . She went through sleepless nights , crying and hurting miserably . This was her karma .. had she told him about her love for him , made him realize that the two of them were meant to be together .. she probably would have had to come back in another life to complete the circle of pain she had started. She had hurt him in another life and only he could come back and make her feel all that all over again. She had hurt him so much that they could no longer be together , they only had to pay their dues to each other and move on with different people , people who would bring peace in their lives .

Only if she could say how sorry she felt to him .. instead of feeling it everyday . Maybe she would stop dreaming about him .. but thats karma .. it had nothing to do with love anymore ..but with feeling of remorse , guilt and humility.

I am sorry . And I hope I am done with the pain I owed you.

I have realized it doesn't go anywhere .. it all comes back .. be good .. very good to everyone .. it is going to come and get you .. Karma .

Laws and rules done too .. That was the last exam i had to take to get the Florida license .. I will have my license no. in a week or two .. Licensed to practice in the state of Florida .. finally !
It has been a long journey , from the day i started studying for my boards back in jan of 2009 .. But the real deal is starting now ..
I am going to be the writer of my story and this time i want to make no mistakes .

God be with me :) 

September is almost over and we are racing towards the 10th month of the year , every year as october approaches i start awaiting the new year .. this year is flying by so fast .. on a side note someone made a very special prediction .. *winks and smiles*

It is going to be a beautiful 2013 , i can't wait :)

My Husband asked me today , why people blog .. i don't know why people blog but i blog cos it helps me relate to my core , remind me who I was yesterday , who I am today and both those reminders are necessary to know who I will be tomorrow . So that i never lose touch with myself , my beliefs and my values . Its a place where I speak fearlessly , , its the best source of expression I have .. in some ways defines who I am , it gives my freedom to just be me in a world where that is the toughest thing to do . My blog keeps me going in times when i have noone to hang on to , yes it has uplifted my spirits innumerable times and i am glad i blog :)

That feeling you get sometimes .. You dont understand what it is at the time .. You cant figure out what is it that is making you feel so sad , blue .. Its just a sixth sense .. That something is wrong or something is going to go wrong .. I tried to dismiss it .. I truely did ;telling myself i was being stupid ..  Blood is thicker than water .. Apparently not

I hate today .. I have dreaded today .. Always .. I hoped it wouldnt come , atleast not in my life .. I probably dont have enough tears that can even flow out to somehow lessen the pain i feel inside .

I am sorry .. I wish i knew how to fix this , sadly i dont .. But i still love you a million times over 

P.P. Vashi Uncle  '' Bhagwaan Bhakta ka hain , lekin bhagwaan 11.59 ko kaam karta hain ''

totally agree :)

Also I passed NERBS , so now I am certified by two different boards to practice in the US . I was happy . I say 'was' cos the happiness lasted only until I was told that I should work towards a post grad or at least think about it.

It has been a long road this far . I never wanted to study any further after my BDS . I did this because there really was no choice , i had to do a DDS to work here . I really do not see myself have much inclination towards doing any more studying . My goals , unfortunately small , have been accomplished .

Maybe I just want very simple things in life and thats why when I am told why I should do a post grad I am unable to see how it will help me achieve those simple things  , to be honest that will only come in the way of achieving those simple things .

Religion is a strong thing , a very very strong thing . I am a little disappointed at myself cos reckless killing does not have anything to do with caste or creed . But i have had tears in my eyes seeing and reading the news about the Wisconsin shooting and the obvious reason is the Sikh link . I was exposed to so many different religions but the one the I will always belong to and the one that will make my core and my identity is Sikhism. The tie has never been stronger .

I feel sad , dejected that deranged people take innocent lives . The world in all its weirdness is becoming such a chaotic place to live in . I thank God everyday that I am alive and am forced to wonder how long before I land in one of the places that has one of these deranged ,disturbed individuals trying to vent out their frustrations by killing others .

I have said this all too often ''Life is too short '' and literally so . I feel so helpless sometimes when around me all the insignificant things are given precedence .. helpless cos i am not able to convince others that really .. life is not about holding grudges , playing games , hating others ,lying conniving and cheating .. that it will come to a standstill before you know it so try living it with a little bit of dignity , pride , peace and love . I don't know if I have been able to do that myself but I am hoping I can .I guess I haven't because I still let life and people get to me , stress me out . I hate it when I am not myself able to understand that it will be over before I know it and that the only one thing we need to strive towards is make each day beautiful for ourselves and for everyone around us .

Death comes very cheap these days , the least we can do is value life while we still have it . 

And there is yet another story about a celebrity cheating on their partner . It is heart wrenchingly saddening that love comes so cheap . There is irreparable damage that is caused to the heart and it bleeds forever. Nothing in the whole world can help someone who faces something as heartbreaking as this .There are no answers and no healing for a very very long time. I wonder if people who cheat are able to forgive themselves ? If there is a God and I would like to believe there is one then I also wonder if He forgives ?

Sigh ..I only know this  -- the heart that is broken has God on its side and the one that breaks has a very long way to go 

When God gives you problems , you remember Him , He gives you problems because He misses you , so next time he gives you a problem , smile back at Him and say 'I Miss You too''

I have made a lot of mistakes , too many of them .. but I am not making this one .. I was about to .. Thank God .. You protected 'it'

Simply said : nobody knows the truth , sometimes no truth at all is better than a lie or even the truth
My belief has always been the truth comes out no matter what , its difficult to hide things too long .. That is just the way it is.
 Ever felt like you are surrounded by a bunch of people u only thought u knew ? Ever felt a little betrayed? It's not a good feeling. Truth be told : Something is very off .. But it is not going to be like that for a very long time ..
Fingers crossed

 Kakaji used to say " dont go by facts as they are , go by your inner conviction"

He goes by what he was told and his inner conviction I dont know if I should go by what I was told: I dont have an inner conviction , yet. I am wondering if I should borrow his till i find mine .