I will be finally be going home on tuesday . I am excited .. to go home to my husband .. to be able to start a normal life like any other couple .. and get over with this madness of two yrs . Before I started out i told myself that these 2 yrs will be over before i know , and here it is .. they are over now , and it feels good .. really really good ... I will finally have a home . Ever since my folks moved to US it was never the same .. I got the feel of a home for a year when I came to US in 2008 but it didn't last long .. I've mostly lived alone in the last 9 years or so and I can't say I liked it much , it was a lotve independence but too much loneliness as well . I realized I need people around me .. to talk to , to laugh with , to fight with too ...
Our relationship has grown and shaped beautifully , we have had a whole lot of ups and downs .. too many speed breakers .. but we will be okay ..  will be okay if we both have learnt from those ups and downs .. I AM hoping that we have . 

This is exactly what i thought to myself few days back and it has been penned down so beautifully by someone 




1. Ppl r often unreasonable n self-centred,
forgive thm neway

2. If ur honest, ppl may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
...
3. The gud u do today may be forgottn tmrw,
do gud anyway

4. The ppl u care for may nt appreciate ur affection,
luv dm anyway,

5. Give d world d best u have n it may never b enough,
give ur best anyway.

Coz in the end, it is btwn U n GOD.
It was never between u and them anyway 

So yesterday was the last day at school .. the day i waited for so long .. i will graduate on may 5 , there is one more challenge coming up for me on may 1 and i hope it all goes well.

 I realized .. sometimes we know what we want but we do the exact opposite of what is needed to be done to get what we want .. and then we wonder why we didn't get what we wanted . lol .. seriously lol ..
The truth is .. and i have to draw up a lot of courage to say this .. i never followed my heart .. and i probably never will .. i couldn't believe it when i realized this .. but thats exactly what i have done .. how mucked up could that possibly be ? 

So there is always a new challenge to face .. and I am facing a few right now. Two different boards to take , little support .. i think i sometimes push myself a bit too much and i don't know if i will be able to manage so many things , take them over without knowing my own capacity .I have done this earlier and i am doing it again  , i have barely been unsuccessful in the past and i am hoping it all works out this time too. I wonder if it is going to be good enough THOUGH , i really didn't need to take two different boards . I could have just taken CRDTS and been done with it , in a group on 100 people ,it is only 2 people who are taking a different board , thats how rare it is .
Its not been easy , its more stressful than i imagined , i know i can do this , what i don't know is .. is it going to be appreciated enough , if the ones i am doing this for even know how tough this is on me .. i tried letting them know .. and guess what i got..
I just need to know that i can do this .
What i have learnt ? To be able to say NO . 

Somehow , just somehow I believe in a God who is fair , even when He is showing his unfairness abundantly . In his unfairness lies His will to discipline His children and make them stronger . 

I chose this , it is nobody's fault but mine . I didn't know .. I was naive and got carried away with the saying that good things happen to good people .They don't , you just have to at some point grow up and if you don't .. you will be forced to. 

I may have written this innumerable times but any amount of time i write it , its less .. LIFE AMAZES ME .It is hands down the best teacher there ever can be and yes I have realized it before and I am realizing it all over again .. you simply cannot , should not and will not escape the lessons it will teach you .. the person it will make out of you and maybe here I should add life and God work hand in hand to somehow work on our soul .. there are times when i feel that .. its so intense .. everything that goes on around me , the way it affects me , the way it changes the person I am , and mind you .. for the better .. the way it alters my outlook towards stuff .. its breathtakingly surreal .. yes .. that adjective might sound a little off for this kind of description but sometimes I just do not have words to express what I feel .. the magnanimity of it all .. the way it falls into place .. how its beginning to have a calming effect on me .. I am not sure I make much sense right now because I feel a little overwhelmed .. by its ways .. by God's ways .. by the realizations that I have .. how some things no longer matter .. how all that matters is ..me , my life and my God and everything else is an illusion .. a big big illusion .. LOL

Thank you zindagi :)

I am not sure whats going on  , until yday I thought I had flunked just one part of the exam and now it looks like its both .. it is indeed unimaginable and I felt devastated and no way in a position to make sense of anything at all . I felt totally ashamed of myself not knowing who to look at for guidance and inspiration and came across this article on gunantitjyot , have read it at least 3 times now :

Whenever we are faced with difficulties in our life, we often do not have enough trust in God to ride the storm, to remain happy and be totally confident that everything will work out in the best possible way; we are often filled with doubts and worries.

Brahmswarup Yogiji Maharaj used to tell a story of a Prince and his best friend who was the son of the Prime Minister:

"They both decided to go on a hunting trip and so set out early one morning. About midday they decided to rest. Whilst the Prince rested, the friend went to collect some water from a nearby river. As the Prince slept, a black cobra came and reared up to strike the Prince. Just then the friend came back and seeing the cobra he drew his knife to kill the cobra. The cobra then took a human form and explained that the Prince was his enemy in his past life and that he had vowed to drink the blood from his throat. The friend knew that if he did that, the Prince would die from the snake’s poison. The cobra told the friend that even if he killed him, he would take birth again as a cobra and fulfil his vow. So the friend then agreed to get the blood from the Prince’s throat give it to the cobra thereby saving the Prince’s life.

The friend sat on the Prince’s chest and pulled out his knife. As he did this, the Prince opened his eyes and saw his friend sat on his chest with his knife ready to strike him, but the Prince simply closed his eyes again and went back to sleep. The friend drew blood from the Prince’s throat and gave it to the cobra, who then went away satisfied. Using his knowledge of herbal plants the friend tended to the Prince and bandaged his wound.

Both the Prince and friend continued their hunting trip. After 3 days the friend lost his patience with the Prince and emotionally asked him why the Prince had not questioned him as to what he was doing with the knife, and why he had not asked anything about the bandage? To this, the Prince replied to his friend, ‘You are my best friend and I know that you would not do anything to harm me. Whatever you did you did for the best’."

Yogi Bapa used to say that we should keep this type of relationship with God and the sant. In our case, we should develop the same relationship with Guruhari Pappaji and our guru. When we have this type of unreserved refuge in Him, Maharaj becomes bound to us and He is compelled to protect us without hesitation[1]. We have to surrender and take refuge in God, and have trust that He would never allow anything to harm us.

Gunatitanand Swami has explained that as the eyelids protect the eyes, the hands protect the throat and the mother protects her child, in the same way Maharaj is here to protect us[2]. That is to say that as the eyelids do not have to think about protecting the eyes and the mother does have to think about protecting her child, and that this is instinctive, in the same way Pappaji Maharaj is here to protect at all times and under any circumstance.

Guruhari Pappaji has emphasised that when something happens that may seem horrific and that it may seem like that there is no possibility of survival, we should keep peace and dobhajan. We should pray not to be saved from our ‘imaginary’ ill fate but we should pray to remain unaffected so that we maintain our inner happiness. This is because our whole life is controlled and governed by Bhagwan Swaminarayan[3]. It is only natural that we pray to be protected but we should not pray to be protected in a specific way because we do not know what is best for us – Let Him Work.

A child never doubts its parents and a doting wife never doubts her husband. In the same way there should not be any doubt in our beloved Guruhari. When we have complete trust in someone we also develop complete faith in them also, and with faith there is supreme devotion. If we have this type of trust in Pappaji Maharaj then we will establish a rapport with Him such that He will sit in our heart constantly; this is a sublime relationship betweenbhakta and bhagwan that is beyond any material understanding. May Guruhari give us all the awareness and the courage to live in this manner.

Sahajanand Swami Maharaj ni Jai.

Author: Sunil Gandhi

So yes yesterday was very weird, unexpected things happened . Im still reeling in what happened and it will take me some time to re group and take it from here . I realized I have a huge fear of being judged by others and honestly that is what made me feel even more low than ever.I have to somehow understand that people that matter are not going to judge me and the ones that do don't matter . So why am i concerned about the ones that don't matter ?
It is a new day and I have lessons to learn . I am not going to let this bog me down. I have faced more difficult situations in the past and made it through them and I am going to find a way out of this one too .. I don't know what are those things that I am going to say to myself or what are those things that are going to give me the strength to find a way out of this situation but I am pretty confident that I will be fine.I have a difficult one month in front of me , a very challenging one .. just take one day at a time and make sure you make the most of everyday ..
There is a reason why I am faced with this .. and deep down I know whats going on .. somehow after my mannikin exam I had become a little overconfident .. both professionally and spiritually and .. dang .. can I do that ? 

I failed the restorative portion of CRDTS , and I am not sure if I felt this bad in some time now , this does suck more than I thought , actually I didn't think I will fail , I wa pretty confident that I will be okay .. but maybe I was wrong , oh well I was wrong , completely wrong . I went through phase of total disbelief to phase of crying a lot to phase of not knowing what to do next . And right now I feel that I am actually no good .. it is doubting my abilities as a dentist and I hate that . It is very upsetting and unsettling and I am trying to look for ways to make myself feel better but I am not finding many. I know that this is fixable and I will find a way out somehow but this still sucks .. it really really does and I have been asking myself over and over again .. what sucks more ? the fear of being judged by people for failing or actually failing or ... the fear of realizing that maybe I am actually not good enough .. 

''There is nothing to be taken more seriously besides doing your work and being a really good person''

what moves me most: love
what hurts me most: lack of compassion ,hypocrisy,dishonesty
the only real thing : God
the one goal in life: maintain my integrity and identity

"Nothing worth having comes easy"

Whitney Houston died last week , is it the beginning of celebrity deaths this year ? Isn't it odd that name , fame , wealth doesn't keep one happy . Life comes so cheap. People die cos they don't have enough money in their lives , people die because they have too much money in their lives . Does money really have anything to do with people wanting to live or not then ? Isn't it so very strange ?Will a 500K job make you happy ? Will pics on a mag and recognition on the walls of a hall make you happy ? What kind of achievements does one need to be happy ?
What really is happiness ? what is happiness? I don't think we are ever completely happy , no one is .. is there ? why ? why not ? why does life just move from one sadness to another , one challenge to another , one unanswered question to another , one insecurity to another , one melodrama to another ?

You know why .. because we let our happiness depend on others , because we fail to understand that others will NOT make us happy .That THINGS will NOT make us happy. That money and fame will NOT make us happy . That a fancy car and a fancy house , a wardrobe full of Louis Vuitton and Armani will not make us happy .That a love that never was , a boyfriend that never will be , and a tear that was never wiped will always be an issue but they cannot be the things that keep us away from happiness  , from what we want and what we deserve .That love will remain unrequitted, hearts will remain broken , people will deceive , connive , cheat , lie , and be exactly what they are .. people of this world who came in to do all those things .. are we really going to let them decide our happiness  or unhappiness .So how do we preserve our sanity and make sure that our happiness is not always influenced by others , that what we are is not a product of what others do to us , but only and only a product of what we think and what we are and what we want to be .

Somehow other peoples influence on our lives takes over so much of us that we concentrate only on that and that is what determines our happiness  .. expectations are such a root of so much evil  , also acceptance .. we want to be accepted by others and when that doesn't happen we hurt. Maybe because we are not confident of the people that we are , cos we do not consider ourselves complete the way we are. Maybe one way of trying to be happy is to start by stopping to expect anything from anyone , stopping to want re assurance and acceptance . Accept that people do suck and its not a perfect world , it just is not ,see it for exactly what it is and stop trying to make it better cos that is not our job , our job is to only look out for our own selves , make sure that we continue to live by the ideals set by us . No one is going to change cosve us , no one is going to change for us .. no one is going to make us happy .. we are totally on our own in our our pursuit for happiness and we alone are responsible for it and the only way to achieve is detachment and focussing on our own lives completely ... Like yogi bapa says '' apna kar lo'' .. bas !

So is it that one can be truly happy only if they are either completely selfless or completely selfish ? 

Was seeing this movie 'strictly sexual' something they said made a lotve sense :

''Life is a bunch of stories , they all come to an end , and then its time to find a new one , are you ready to find yours ? ''

When you let real love pass you by , you give up the one chance you had at real happiness forever. Everything else after that is only one big compromise , and only you are responsible for it , nobody else.

Life is not a movie where once your heart is broken a hero will step in and make u believe in love all over again , in real life once broken is broken forever.

We will always crave for what we do not have and never appreciate what we do .. we fool ourselves our entire lives thinking what we do for ourselves is what we want and what will make us happy , the truth is we keep running from facing our own selves and in the process only accumulate more and more agony .

When you realize you lost what you most wanted because you didn't even know thats what you wanted while it was there right in front of you ... know that you have made the biggest mistake of your life ... and there probably is no going back now .. so what are you going to do ? what are you going to do ?

What are you going to do ?

Real Love :
Will never die
Will make u smile and make u cry too
Will be forever
Will adore your flaws too
Even the dreams feel empty without it
Goes beyond a lifetime
Is a little crazy
Hurts
Will make u wait
And then will be worth the wait too
will be misunderstood

Feels like it is time for a change , as I said earlier this morning Version Manveen 2.0 coming up. I was recently made aware of certain things about myself . I was 'pleasantly' surprised. I can tell you that they were not the best things one could say to another ,so why 'pleasantly' ? .. I'll tell you why .. hearing that I was selfish and didn't give a damn about others felt good .. because I have always felt that the biggest problem with me is that I am too self less and I think too much about others , so in some ways it was a consolation ,I always felt others were selfish and didn't think about others , well guess what ,.. we all are that way .. if someone can say that about me then most definitely its a trait we all have , some a little less , some a little more .. but its a trait I so badly wanted at least in some amount at least and looks like i made it !

So whats the deal with Ver. Manveen 2.0.. lol ... Time for a change ... ;)

The irony is that we think we can understand people when we cannot even know our own selves. Judging others comes with a huge responsibility .Saying that we know them and can hence point out their flaws and help them become better people is an even bigger responsibility and should be done by someone with a lotv'e precaution . I find myself very incapable of judging anyone , even more incapable of figuring out what could be possibly wrong with them and be able to tell how to correct it , when I do not even know myself . I am still work-in-progress , I'd just be glad if I can become the person that I want to be rather than want to be able to correct everyone else around me who I think is wrong .. God give me the vision to be able to only see my own flaws  and correct them and not take it upon myself to correct others !!Also give me the patience to hear others out when they tell me what they think is wrong about me .

I want to be able to live a life in which I commit no mistake . 

Just stay right there , A-Okay ? Dont let those beliefs u carried all these years leave u now . Remember the cliche.. it is always darkest before dawn ..