I couldn't understand for years together the karmic debt I carried. iI never understood what happened several years ago . In that one moment life changed forever. It started a process of cleansing which is something I failed to understand .
I kept going with my notion of love . Kept believing in true love ,if what I felt was real it would be in my life but I was too naive and immature to understand anything about karma , and thats what this whole challenge was about .
I was in my early teens and the minute I set my eyes on him something powerful happened , something I did not understood , something that was almost spiritual and electric . I distinctly remember what it felt like .. an instant connection so powerful , so real, so amazing almost magical , something I had never felt before , something I would never ever feel again .. something that felt like it came from another lifetime. But I was too young to define it , to know what it was , to even understand it in the most vague way . I didn't know what had happened but I felt it so deeply . It pierced right through my soul and thats the only way I can describe it best .
For the next many months and years to come I found that energy ,that spark everytime I was around this person . It was painful very very excruciatingly painful to say the least to constantly be around him , look at him , feel this way and not be able to do anything about it ., it was like a knife in the stomach that wouldn't go in or come out , just twist and turn when I saw or thought of him. I just didn't and couldn't do anything about it because I felt very inferior almost not -good-enough-for-him. More than that I couldn't understand what this strong emotion was all about . I was confused and found myself constantly reading about 'love' 'crush' 'infatuation' and trying to find a way to define what this was. What I could never do is tell him about these undefined feelings and try to find answers together because maybe I didn't have the courage or maybe deep down I had an idea of love that always had happy endings no matter what, THAT found its way , the bollywood notion that if its meant to be it will be ,all it had to be was real and it would happen . I was convinced this was real , I just wasn't convinced that I needed to do something about it myself . I found myself cry to sleep night after night . cry in the bus , cry everywhere cos it was almost physically painful to feel all that love and it be nothing at all .
Years passed by with me still in my vague sense of love story . painful and more painful. Until I realised I was being a fool . school was long over so was college , the feelings were still there , I hoped out of sight out of mind would work but it didn't .
I moved , first out of school , then out of country in hopes that this pain of being so deeply in love with someone who didn't even know about it ,will go away . Lots of guys came and went in the passage if life , from teens to twenties but none replaced that connection .. that connection that i didn't understand , that connection that I understood only years later ... to find out eventually that it was probably too late ... to understand eventually that it was my karmic debt - to be so deeply in love , to be so magically taken by someones presence , to finally know that this was the real deal and it came from another lifetime . And that is the only truth that makes sense . \
So why the pain ? why the tears ? - Only one answer - karmic debt .
Now I realise -what i felt in that split second moment in my teens was a connection that i knew of deep down on a soul level . I couldn't explain it but now I can . This love story was never meant to be the way i thought it would because i had to go through all that pain , all that soul twisting journey to pay off the debt i collected from another lifetime . Sounds absolutely absurd , but i feel it .. just as i feel the air on my face and i see the sun in the sky and the water in the rivers . Nothing is more true than the fact that i had debt collected that i had to pay off . I hurt this guy in a previous life . It was my souls journey to meet him again in this lifetime , go through all the emotions . The pain and life long ache .
I miss him every single moment of my life and that's how its going to be for the rest of my life , its my souls journey that I have to complete . I will be in love with him for the rest of my life .
I just pray that by the end of this life I get to meet him just once , and tell him I am sorry
I kept going with my notion of love . Kept believing in true love ,if what I felt was real it would be in my life but I was too naive and immature to understand anything about karma , and thats what this whole challenge was about .
I was in my early teens and the minute I set my eyes on him something powerful happened , something I did not understood , something that was almost spiritual and electric . I distinctly remember what it felt like .. an instant connection so powerful , so real, so amazing almost magical , something I had never felt before , something I would never ever feel again .. something that felt like it came from another lifetime. But I was too young to define it , to know what it was , to even understand it in the most vague way . I didn't know what had happened but I felt it so deeply . It pierced right through my soul and thats the only way I can describe it best .
For the next many months and years to come I found that energy ,that spark everytime I was around this person . It was painful very very excruciatingly painful to say the least to constantly be around him , look at him , feel this way and not be able to do anything about it ., it was like a knife in the stomach that wouldn't go in or come out , just twist and turn when I saw or thought of him. I just didn't and couldn't do anything about it because I felt very inferior almost not -good-enough-for-him. More than that I couldn't understand what this strong emotion was all about . I was confused and found myself constantly reading about 'love' 'crush' 'infatuation' and trying to find a way to define what this was. What I could never do is tell him about these undefined feelings and try to find answers together because maybe I didn't have the courage or maybe deep down I had an idea of love that always had happy endings no matter what, THAT found its way , the bollywood notion that if its meant to be it will be ,all it had to be was real and it would happen . I was convinced this was real , I just wasn't convinced that I needed to do something about it myself . I found myself cry to sleep night after night . cry in the bus , cry everywhere cos it was almost physically painful to feel all that love and it be nothing at all .
Years passed by with me still in my vague sense of love story . painful and more painful. Until I realised I was being a fool . school was long over so was college , the feelings were still there , I hoped out of sight out of mind would work but it didn't .
I moved , first out of school , then out of country in hopes that this pain of being so deeply in love with someone who didn't even know about it ,will go away . Lots of guys came and went in the passage if life , from teens to twenties but none replaced that connection .. that connection that i didn't understand , that connection that I understood only years later ... to find out eventually that it was probably too late ... to understand eventually that it was my karmic debt - to be so deeply in love , to be so magically taken by someones presence , to finally know that this was the real deal and it came from another lifetime . And that is the only truth that makes sense . \
So why the pain ? why the tears ? - Only one answer - karmic debt .
Now I realise -what i felt in that split second moment in my teens was a connection that i knew of deep down on a soul level . I couldn't explain it but now I can . This love story was never meant to be the way i thought it would because i had to go through all that pain , all that soul twisting journey to pay off the debt i collected from another lifetime . Sounds absolutely absurd , but i feel it .. just as i feel the air on my face and i see the sun in the sky and the water in the rivers . Nothing is more true than the fact that i had debt collected that i had to pay off . I hurt this guy in a previous life . It was my souls journey to meet him again in this lifetime , go through all the emotions . The pain and life long ache .
I miss him every single moment of my life and that's how its going to be for the rest of my life , its my souls journey that I have to complete . I will be in love with him for the rest of my life .
I just pray that by the end of this life I get to meet him just once , and tell him I am sorry
