I do not know if love failed me or I failed love , what I do know is that what started in one lifetime will probably finish in another . That this lifetime of mine if meant for repentance regret and deep sorrow . Having said that I wouldn’t have it any differently . I am so fortunate I know love , I feel love the way I do 

I miss you. 

 So we will have a successful FT if aaruv is ready 

Vashi uncle already knew my apprehensions . He said he wasnt sure becos of aaruv and how he will react. Whatever way this ends Maharaj is in control and He will do whatever is right for Aaruv 

However Aaruv who has never slept alone slept by himself when they were all here 

I think he is ready 

I dreamed of J today 

What i want to remind myself is that that relationship is safe in my dreams only . The real world destroys everything. 

Im pretty sure none of it would be like my dreams had it been materialized .Life would find a way to ruin it like ir ruins everything 

Most of our dreams , when and if they come true are ruined in reality . The reality is dark , it’s harsh and it’s hardcore .

Like getting married was such an important thing growing up , finding that one 

 Bhootkaal - everything that has happened until before this moment is bhootkal - bhoot - not to be remembered and forgotten cos its over 

ALL of our problems ARE because of our past . Its over . It’s gone and it’s NOT coming back . We thing and reminisce over it too much and lose touch with the present , allow it to spread its claws on the present and destroy it as well . Dont let it ruin the present . It has already ruined the past and we couldnt do anything about it BUT it is in our hands to not let it ruin the present . The only way the past will ruin the present is if we let it ! So the way to be in control of the present is by letting past be in the past . 

 I feel negative , and it’s likely from the hormones. I cant shake it off 

I keep thinking abt all the wrongs in my life and how unfortunate I am generally 

I need the hormones to stop controlling me NOW 

 While it feels like god is not on ur side cos nothing goes right believe He  still is in control no matter how crazy that sounds but He is 

You are trying to go to point A He wants you to go to point B 

No matter how hard u want to go to the destination u determined for urself it’s still going to go by His plan and that’s hard cos u don’t believe in his plan

Just start believing in his plan . Leave it to Him . Please . 

 Love is torture 

Love makes u feel like u cannot breathe Or even exist 

Love doesn’t end 

It is forever even when u want to be done with it , it stays right there

Love burns , hurts like million needles in your body 

The one you loved maybe gone but love stays 

I found that kind of love 

 It took me 30 yrs to realize that no amount of Jafars to yuvies or Gauravs will make me happy but the God inside me that has always been telling me that He is always going to look out for me 

 J came in my dream today and like always was super nice to me , spoke to my dad and handed me a box of sweets that said MJ on them . He is and always will be my forever valentine. 

My first mistake was when he cheated on me the first time and I forgave him but guru wanted me to 

After that he treated me bad while pregnant I was vulnerable and lost but I should’ve left him then 

Then he went to jail and a few yrs later I found out he cheated on me risking my health with sex workers I still stayed because that’s what guru wanted

Aaruv had issues with speech , guru said he will be fine and I believed Him 

Last yr when they came Aaruv behaved very weird they said someone had done some black magic 

When we went to Boston for 4 days aaruv fell very ill out of nowhere and I said to myself that if they were involved in any foul play with aaruv then within a day something really bad will happen , we all know what happened next . 

I was in disbelief . 

I am tired of this family taking the world for granted 

It’s time for them to repay 

 Last week I had deep disappointment and regret and i prayed to Kakaji make him swaminarayan 

I was seeing only an only negative and couldn’t understand why I’m here 

I don’t make such direct prayers 

This was 16 Nov 

The next day nehu bhai messaged that santo wanted to come from padhramani 

I still didn’t understand but now I realize 

Maharaj giving sign He is so Pragat 

Kakaji is so great he listens and answers just like that .

I have my sign 

Thank you Maharaj 

Thank you Kakaji 

Thank you vashi bhai 

May I never forget this Divine grace 

 I loved love so much but love didn’t love me back and hence I could never find it no matter how hard I tried and now I feel like I’ve lost myself forever , the best part of my life is my child I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have him . 

I’m left deeply saddened and disappointed , heart broken and soul less . I’ve stopped believing in love , whatever I set out to find doesn’t exist or maybe it does but I couldn’t find it . I lost .

 Happy birthday J 

I miss you everyday but past few days and esp today I’ve missed u more 

Just wishing you the best of health and all possible happiness , may all your wishes come true 

The connection I feel with you defies time age distance and any kind of logic , it’s also pure and beyond my own understanding, and every time I think of you .. I feel that exact same ache in my heart like something pierces right through it.  

 My one true love - Aaruv 

 Can someone pls make me believe in love again ? 

 It’s hard to say what caused my indifference and it’s a multitude of things . This marriage hasn’t been what I thought it would be . I was put on a litmus paper test right from the start and I’ve been tested over and over ever since 

The parents in this marriage were very important right from the beginning , it was made very clear that I would always be secondary and the priority would be them . Ironically this was stated because the parents happiness was foremost yet years later they r still unhappy. 

There were cheating episodes , there were also humiliations and bad behavior towards me while being pregnant and then there were more cheating episodes 

When I found out about the last one a part of me died . And I felt nothing , just pure nothing . I may have been more shattered than I even knew but it was hard . I looked back at my life and couldn’t figure out what is it that I had done to deserve this .. I can only connect this to a past life karma but other than that I am clueless and I struggle 

 I don’t believe in love the way I did when I was younger or I don’t believe in at all . It’s a feeling of failure and huge disappointment . More disappointment than anything . I’m in this limbo 

I just don’t believe in love 

 I didn’t listen to Vashi uncle and I totally don’t want to listen to him again but guess how it turned out the first time .. I cannot afford for it to turn out even worse this time .. I just have to pull myself through this and hopefully it will get ok 

At work I focus on work and not on relationships 

At home also if I could focus on work rather than relationships it will work out but it’s hard . I just have to learn to sort out the emotional baggage 

 I don’t feel good today 

I didn’t make good decisions and some things just backfired off their own 

I hope to make better decisions moving forward 

Forgive me 

 What is going on with me . I feel an emptiness a loneliness grip me . Almost like constant cloud of sadness that just won’t go away . I feel like I can start crying at any min and am waiting to pick a fight . I don’t know why I feel like this 

I also feel like a fraud. I’ve been able to accomplish nothing . I am no longer motivated to go to the gym , or take swim lessons , finish the personal trainer lessons I signed up For, I’ve barely been able to help my child which is why I took time off . I just sit there not even doing proper bhajan or dhun the least I could do to justify my time . I am just wasting away precious hours being unproductive . 

Maybe it’s a good thing I’ll start work .. I’m hoping it is . 

This restless loneliness needs to end 

It’s going to be ok 

While I don’t know how but I know I’ll make the right decisions .. today is not a good day but tomm will be 

Thank god for tomorrows .. what would I do if there were no tomorrows